Fiancé refuses any wedding talk..

I liked ready all the different perspectives here!! My FH is actually the one that wanted the big tradition wedding. If it were up to me, we'd be on a sweet beach or mountain side getting married with just our family.

But, now that it's just about here, he would tell anyone "I should have listened to her." When I told him what it takes (especially cost) to have a tradition wedding- he totally blew it off- no way, that's not right/you don't know what you're talking about. Now he gets it. He had no idea the stress and money it would take.

If we had to do it all over, would we do things different? Yes. But, all in all looking back, it has been fun. I kept him involved and gave him lists when needed, kept him out if he didn't care/would have a heart attack on price lol.

This has been a great conversation ladies, I'm glad I understand the other side now. I didn't want to continue to make assumptions on why the men were acting like that so that's why I wanted to ask the question and I'm sure glad I did.

Happy planning ladies!!! We were married three weeks ago and the day feels like it was just a dream. I was so nervous that I couldn't stay in the moment and it feels like it just flew by.

If I could do it again I would just focus on me and him. Really listen to his vows, really take in your moment of walking down the aisle staring at your future spouse, simply enjoy it!!! knowing what I know now, I would love to do it again and just be completely stress-free about it and live in the moment.

To answer you question: yes, if someone proposes they want to get married. However, the fact that one wants to get married doesn't mean they want a wedding. The two are not one in the same. FH let's me talk about everything even though he doesn't give back much constructive input. He doesn't mind having a wedding but if it were up to him, we'd probably have a much more low key event.

@OP I'm sorry, I didn't see your update

I kinda look at it this way. Not all women get stressed out over planning a wedding...just as some men aren't interested in the planning aspects.

I am really thankful that my FH has done everything (aside from the dress shopping) with me. We just got our marriage license last Friday and as we were pulling up to the Clerk's office he looked at me and said, "I'm so excited we are getting our marriage license today! Just one step closer, babe!"

I am sure there are thing that he hasn't cared about as much as I do, but he has always showed support and enthusiasm over stuff. I think he believes that helping me keeps me from stressing out. Which is nice!

I don't get it either.

Mine doesn't really care much about the wedding planning in general... He basically says "whatever you want is fine". But he will discuss and offer opinions if I ask.

Unpopular Opinions Alert.

All I can tell you, based on my unofficial observations over the course of the last ten years?

There are, indeed, people (not just men) who want to BE married, not necessarily want to GET married. The expense, the exposure, the stress, what has become non-stop planning for months on end.....it's too much. And that is an attitude that should really be considered because one partner's wild enthusiasm can be as disconcerting as the other's ambivalence.

If one person in a partnership is reliably disinterested in the giant extravagant party.....it might be time for a conversation and a compromise. Because one person's wishes in a partnership should never run unbridled (no pun intended).....

@Celia, you always come in with a very unique perspective. I love all of your wonderful advice and contributions on these forums.

I guess it's easy to get caught up in your 'vision' and sometimes I guess the other person's vision may get lost.

It makes sense, if the person doesn't want the big wedding to begin with, then he/she might not be as involved planning or want everything(stress, financial burden, family drama, etc) that comes along with the very thing they don't want.

We are still early in the process, but FH is as excited as I am. He was a professional DJ for a while with a friend, and they keep telling me that they will have the whole thing planned themselves and I don't have to worry about a thing! The whole thing is basically planned in our heads, just need to nail down contracts

I was actually one of those girls who posted such a thing... FH whole thing is that it's in 2018 and no reason to stress about it now. I ask questions here and there, but as of recently, after a huge fight, my new thing is I write it on a sticky note or in the binder and when it's closer to talk about it, I'll bring it up.

He's all for it. We have our venue, and I mention little things here and there and if he's up for wedding convo we talk, if he's not he just says let's worry about it when it's a bit closer.

Whatever I need right away answers on, I tell him why I need the answer. If it can wait I tell him I'm just saying it out loud so I remember to tell him another time. So far, it's been okay.

It's really the people around me who got me so nuts that I felt like I needed everything planned pronto. But after talking with FH and fighting with FH about it, he made a very valid point, I'm starting a new career, and I should throw myself into that 100% until I get my feet in the door and on the ground, and he is starting a new job. So if people ask, I've decided that my answer is "We have our date, we have our venue, but for now, we just want to enjoy being engaged." So far, it's been positive... But yes, I do talk wedding with my mom, but it's all just ideas that get blurted out in conversation.

So here's my story: My FH was (sometimes still is) like this. His way of dealing with stress is to avoid the problem/issue all together. What was the problem? He was slapped in the face by the cost of weddings. Neither of us have planned a wedding before and it was a hard pill to swallow for him. It was easier for me to deal because I kinda knew things were expensive (not as expensive as I learned when we started planning). PLUS we had just purchased our first home together. In his eyes, his responsibilities had tripled and he became overly worried about our finances and being financially secure. So a wedding, whether 5, 000 or 50, 000, he didn't and probably still doesn't understand spending some much (we can totally afford our budget). Let's be clear, "so much" means anything more expensive than the courthouse. He is more than content with going to the courthouse (he suggested it very often early on). But he also knew what I wanted, which was a nice wedding. I think it all became nerve-wrecking to him with the house purchase at the same time. So wedding talk in the beginning, he would literally just shut down. That's how he deals with stress. It was awful. That was actually one of the first posts I posted when I started using WW. At that time, I had no idea why he was doing this since he would not talk to me about it. After a few long talks, meltdowns, and some changes to our wedding budget things got a lot better!

He still has some things to work through though. In his mind, being financially secure means having 200K in the bank. And I need to understand him more with this so we can get to a realistic understanding. This was one of those things I had no idea about until we moved in together. We've had plenty of money talks, shit his credit score is damn near perfect. I never knew this stuff was so scary to him. I've owed a home before, so maybe that was the difference. We're definitely doing some pre-marital counseling in a couple months (another thing he's not feeling) to iron this stuff out.

"If the man asks the woman to marry him doesn't that imply he wants to 'get married'?! I'm so confused when I see posters say this.. " I felt the same way! To answer this. He wants the marriage, not necessarily the bells and whistles of a wedding. Makes sense...marry...marriage?

I don't understand it either. As much as I hate to say it it doesn't bode well IMO.

I'm not talking about not caring for the details but refusing to discuss at all? Not a good sign in general.

@bailey j. So people that make posts about this are cry babies? Oh ok.

I agree with so many PP here. My FH knew I wanted a wedding before he proposed, but he didn't realize how expensive things were. So at first he freaked out, and kept saying he just wanted to go to the courthouse (which he was somewhat joking because he knew that was a total no go for me). I've done literally everything, and that's okay with me.. because I love planning. But sometimes I'd really just like his input, like the other night I was trying to figure out what time to do our "exit" and he just shrugged his shoulders. He genuinely does not care how it happens or when things happen. He told me to tell him what time to be there and what to wear. At first it bothered me a LOT, but as it went on I got used to it. So everytime I have a burst of excitement I just call my mom or grandma! LOL I mean of course I tell him, but he's not a "get excited over the little things" kind of person. There are a few things he voiced and specifically wanted and I made sure we have those things/do those things. He just keeps telling me he's so ready to go on our honeymoon, he's actually excited about that!

ETA: Words

Wow, so happy to hear other brides are going through this too. My FH is actually pretty cool about the whole thing in general, and more involved than I had anticipated in some things. But it really depends on what it is we're talking about, the timing of it, and what other things are going on at the moment. When he's relaxed and relatively stress-free he's all "this is our day that we waited so long for and we should do what makes us happy no matter the cost". And then other times he's all "cut the guest list to immediate family only, we shouldn't be spending all this money". The etiquette part isn't his forte...he doesn't see why if I invite one local cousin I should also invite his siblings who also are local, and why they might be offended if we don't. He's happy to talk details like flowers, colors, decor sometimes, because he has pretty good taste and very much feels that those little details are important (he actually notices the shoes and jewelry that a woman wears with her outfit...lol). But other times he's like whatever you want, can't you just decide? So some days its a little frustrating because I could share something and get the reaction every bride dreams of, or I can get Mr Crankypants. It keeps things interesting, that's for sure!

@Bailey same situation for me. He's the typical guy that doesn't care about color schemes or endless wedding talk. He loves me and wants to marry me but could care less about the setup of the room. We discussed the type of wedding we wanted and I run from there. Once I narrow things down he gives me his opinion. But I know there will never be any real enthusiasm about flowers, napkins, table set up, etc. My mom’s the one I discuss that stuff with at length because she actually enjoys talking about it. It doesn’t seem strange to me at all that FH doesn’t want to discuss the details.

FH doesn't really like talking about the wedding. A lot of times that I bring it up he asks if we can just not talk about it for once (we never discuss it, it's mostly my mom and me planning it)

He wants to be married to me he just isn't interested in the wedding part which is the most important part. We've had a few "fights" about it and he now is more understanding that it's important to me so he's trying to make it more important to him.

Trust me, my husband wasn't very involved in the planning at all either.. But he spoke to me about it when I asked.. I was just concerned about the brides who said 'they weren't able to talk about the wedding to their FH'. I've even seen one bride say on here that they had to have a designated time and day where she was able to speak about it with him.

@Bailey.. It's unfortunate you refer to those brides as 'cry babies', I felt bad they felt as if they were limited in what they could talk about when it came to one of the most important days of their lives as a couple and I was genuinely interested in why this was because I've seen this posted several times on the forums.

I completely understand now all of the different reasons why the men don't want to talk about it. It makes complete sense to me now. Everyone is different and I can understand how a man doesn't always understand how many little details go into planning an event that is a year or more away.

I just had a couple come to meet with me who have been together for 9 years and have been engaged for more than half that time. I don't want to call it placating... but I think some people are ready to be engaged to marry, with little or no plans of moving forward to make that happen.

Other's are just busy moving forward with other things. Building a career, buying a house, then kids come... and they just never got around to planning the event of a wedding.

Finally others have been worn out by a partner who talks about nothing but wedding planning.

@revapril.. You are absolutely right, there are so many different reasons..