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Just Said Yes February 2022

Fiancé will have no family in wedding abroad, am i unreasonable?

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Janani, on April 9, 2021 at 7:22 AM

My fiancé and I are having two weddings, one in India and one in the US. I am Hindu, he is Jewish. We have a lot of older relatives in the India who are unable to travel so we are having an Indian option. My family is obviously coming to both weddings. My fiancé’s family thinks that India is too much of a trip and is not coming to that one but will be at the February one. The grooms family plays an important role in weddings so we will have to hire someone to step in.

Is it bad that I’m annoyed that they are making no effort to come? I understand that they have the February wedding but they are totally skipping out on the Hindu ceremony whereas my parents are going to be participating in the Jewish ceremony. They have made some remarks about getting married “with a turban” and how it’s not real. His parents are also the same age as mine and they are making the trip easily. His sister is 38 but doesn’t think they will be able to travel with two kids (which plenty of people do, I went back and forth from India constantly as a kid and my friends are going to India with their 6 month old infants).
I know it’s a lot to ask people to come to two weddings, but I would travel to the ends of the world for my brother. I also feel like they are totally disregarding my religion but expect me to be a full participant in theirs. Am I being bratty and unreasonable here?

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32 Comments

Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 9, 2021 at 10:27 AM
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I have friends and family abroad so I always find comments like these amusing. My people abroad know what's going on in the US and some other major countries because those countries so heavily effect what happens to their country. Their countries don't have global power, so they need to know and have opinions about US politics because President Biden literally affects their national security more than their own president. Each person I know abroad speaks their own language and then English because they want to watch American media, which is globally dominant and typically has the highest production value. They know a lot about America because that's what their media shows, they aren't news buffs.

They really aren't outgoing citizens of the world. They mostly like their own countries and travel to places with set communities of people from their own country. They also have intense vitriol towards people from neighboring countries and of different ethnicities that would shock Americans. I think it's all about perspective.
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on April 9, 2021 at 10:46 AM
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I guess you’re right, it is all about perspective. I have an immense number of friends and family members abroad (about 50% of our guest list will be traveling from other countries) and they all tend to be incredibly “outgoing citizens of the world”. They travel to other countries much more frequently than us, and tend to value education and experiences much more than physical possessions.
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Expert May 2021
Erin · on April 9, 2021 at 10:51 AM
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Ahh, yes, put that way, I would totally agree with you.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on April 9, 2021 at 11:58 AM
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I do think expecting people to travel that far and spend that much money and time IS an unreasonable expectation. You are allowed to feel disappointed, and you can ask your future spouse to explain one more time about the significance of their attendance, but then I would drop it.
My brother married a Spaniard and they had a civil wedding in the US and a religious wedding in Spain. I was only able to afford to attend the US wedding (which required me to fly from California to Tennessee, so it was already a destination for me), while plenty of other family members went. I did have a passport and I am not opposed to traveling out of the country, but I didn't have the money, so that was that.
My dad never really forgave me for not traveling to Spain, which was hurtful to me, but he's dead now and my brother ended up getting a divorce, so, I guess that's settled.
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Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on April 9, 2021 at 12:25 PM
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Your feelings are valid but what you are asking for is unreasonable. Currently many countries are not issuing tourist visas and many Americans are without work, both due to global pandemic still in place, so even if they have the time to travel overseas, they might not have the money and other resources.
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Dedicated August 2020
Q · on April 12, 2021 at 4:39 AM
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You are not being unreasonable to invite them and expect his parents to attend in support emotionally, physically, and respectfully. Especially if they travel freely to Europe currently. Travel is not cheap so you can throw the expense argument out. You have even offered to pay. I agree slightly about the pandemic and limiting travel. People are concerned for their health and well-being.
That said—- Is it possible your family can incorporate your traditions in the state side wedding? Run it by the in-laws and see what they say. If they are still in opposition then it is as you suspect culturally dismissive. Otherwise why not?? If they do it stateside then Maybe record it and share the video at the ceremony in India? Good luck and best wishes.
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Master 0000
Judith · on April 12, 2021 at 6:37 AM
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It is not just a social event but a religious one for them, and you are only supposed to have one. We have family in significant numbers in Finland and Denmark, and Canada and Greenland. After a wedding in theUS, if there is a second reception in Europe, only people from there, and the couple goes. No friends or family who went in the US would go. If there is one in Finland First, no one from there would come to a 2nd reception in Canada or a 3 one in the US, except the couple. It has been that way for generations, that no one goes to more than one.
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Dedicated August 2020
Q · on April 13, 2021 at 9:34 AM
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That’s not true Judith.
It’s depends on several family and religious factors, not to mention finances. If the parents and other family guests can afford to go many do in fact go. Sorry to hear that it’s not the case in YOUR family but it doesn’t mean it’s the same in all other families.
My family is Eastern European and Orthodox (my siblings and I are the first ones born here). We have several family overseas. My parents as well as other family members had two weddings as well. One in the states and one in Europe. Many guests went to both. Especially with certain wedding traditions —Just like OP has in her culture. Of course some guests could only go to one wedding, but as I said there are many factors involved. In my culture; Parents are expected to come to both In situations like this.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on April 13, 2021 at 11:57 AM
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OP, did you and your fiance have any conversation with his family about having a ceremony in India before you planned it?
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on April 13, 2021 at 12:20 PM
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I agree with this. I know if we were in a situation where we would have 2 wedding that both of our families would only attend one of the weddings. Maybe with certain religions and cultures it's common for the family to attend more than one wedding for the couple, but other people are just simply not like that. I know a few people who had multiple weddings in different areas and their guests and family only attended one of the weddings.
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Just Said Yes February 2022
Janani · on April 13, 2021 at 12:25 PM
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Thanks everyone for your perspectives, will definitely take into consideration for my feelings. It turns out that his sister is pregnant and due the week after the wedding in India anyway!! Of course we don’t expect her or his parents to travel to another country when their daughter is about to give birth. So all’s well that ends well I guess? LOL! The wedding craziness continues!
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HRhodes · on April 13, 2021 at 9:54 PM
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I think you're being unreasonable. People have to obtain passports to be able to travel, they're going to have to take off work, pay for the expenses of airfare, hotel, etc. Plus there is a global pandemic going on. I'm barely going to a wedding 10 hours away because of how inconvenient it is for me and that's within my country. Not everyone can afford and drop all of their stuff to go to a second wedding overseas when they could attend one in their country. Maybe you had an easy experience travelling, but look at it from their side. Also, my parents were uncomfortable with the idea of taking their kids out of the country and his family might feel the same way.
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