Fiancee spent wedding money

I’m sorry that this happened. You seem very hurt by this, and as humans this is a normal initial reaction for many .

Yes, you can and will get married, even if it’s with you, your fiancé, and an officiant, you will .


Have you asked your fiance what he really wants from a wedding ? In his mind, getting things you need are more important than spending the money on a party (because you can get married without it ).


I thibk its safe ro move the date date back, but explain to him why you are doing that and you need to start getting stuff . Atleast lock down the venue

It sounds like by his actions, that he does not want a wedding. I think it was inconsiderate that he broke the agreement. I do believe that getting a new mattress should be a bigger priority than a wedding, but you’re right, if your dressers and nightstand were just fine, then he didn’t need to buy an entire new bedroom set.

View Quoted Comment Agree completely. It's a problem but definitely not worth ending a relationship over. You'll definitely need to have a talk and make sure you are on the same page. It's not good, but if he's genuinely sorry and understands why you're upset thats a start. Maybe enlist the help of a professional, pre marriage counseling or a financial planner.

You still CAN get married. But this is not about the wedding. You guys need to have a talk about goals and commitments, and how you will handle things and make big decisions (financial and otherwise) once you ARE married. The good thing is that you aren't losing any deposits since you hadn't booked, but what if you had. would that stop him from having done this?

What if the money wasn't for your wedding, but a down payment on a house? Or your retirement?

I'm sorry, it is time for a heart to heart. No one thinks your FH is a bad guy. But what he did is not how an engaged person acts.

We would be discussing how making large purchases without talking about it first affects our relationship. If you had taken that money and put it down on a wedding venue without telling him how would he feel? Probably the same way you are feeling now. If he can't see what the issue is, maybe set some kind of limit. Like, say, $500. If either of us are going to spend more than $500 on something, we contact each other first.

We would also be discussing visions for the wedding. His actions are indicating that he either does not want to be married at all. or he has a very different idea of a wedding in his head than you do. Either way you need to get it on the same page.

Im sure he’s not a bad guy, but to put it frankly there is a power imbalance in your relationship when it comes to finances. There also seems to be very little communication going on as he has made many financial decisions that have not pleased you. I’m sure this isn’t pleasant to hear, but you have to lift the veil from your eyes so that you can address these issues before they turn into contempt and ruin your future marriage. Just because he’s the money maker doesn’t mean you have no say to an opinion and get to have your goals and dreams disrespectfully cast aside in favor of his.

Begin as you mean to go on.

What happens when you're married and you've made a deal and he decides to do something that you didnt agree to? You're saving for a great vacation and he puts a down payment on a jetski, using most of HIS money?

Whatever the situation is...you're not a team right now. Do you want to be part of a team? Does HE?

I did an expense list for our wedding and then a budget to dedicate how much we would need to save. We have totally stuck to it. Sounds like it may help to dedicate how much you will need to save and where it will go.

If my FI did this I’d be fuming.

The whole point of getting married is to have two people with both their brains working together and complementing each other with their individual strengths and resources for mutual benefit.

My FI makes more money than me, but I do the finances because I’m better at it. However, I would never go off and make a major purchase without his input.

Return everything but the bed. Then sit him down and tell him what he did raises a great big red flag.

Give him this example: “Let’s say three years from now we manage to save $30k in our bank account. I go to the doctor and find out I’m pregnant. I’m a little stressed because babies are expensive, but I sigh with relief knowing we have some money to handle it. Well, what if I get home and find a brand new car in the garage because you unilaterally decided ‘we needed it?’”

Nip this in the bud now before you get married and the stakes get higher.

I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this. I would definitely not get married October. Your husband‘s priorities are not lined up with yours. You guys need to be on the same page, especially if you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with him.
My fiancé and I have REALLY want bedroom furniture as well. Ours doesn’t match lol and we don’t have much! We made the decision not to get a new bed and bedroom suit until after the wedding. I couldn’t imagine if he did that. I’m so sorry. I would be really hurt too.

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I was thinking the same thing. He doesn't want to start planning until you have all of the money, then he spends all but a $1k on a bedroom set when all you needed was a mattress. I would sit down with him and tell him how you feel and ask him to be honest if he was ready to propose, but not ready to get married.

View Quoted Comment How much money is he spending. I mean, a mattress and bedroom set can be $1500, or $4000. Or in terms of usual paychecks, is he blowing a month's worth take home pay once in a year. Or 3 months? You can get married for $100. You want a wedding. Maybe he needs to see something tangible for going to work month after month after month. And saving for a 1 day party, keeping money in the bank to treat other people to a party, spend hundreds or a thousand on clothes, decorating, flowers, tablecloths, is not something he even remotely wants, except to please you. But when he buys a bedroom set, to him it says, my hard work is going into the home we are making, Laura and I. And first a loveseat. But then a full couch and a chair ir two. For us, and so Laura and I can have friends over, and not feel ashamed of our stuff. Red flags are things like spending a $4000 tax refund on fixing up an off road vehicle to go chasing through the woods and play paintball with friends. Or $1000 in lottery tickets, an an expensive gaming computer setup, and a $1600 surround sound chair for watching movies and playing with his joystick. Those are red flags: Thoughtless things, for him only, playthings. He is nesting. A slow accumulation of the things you need to have what he sees as a home life together, next a place to eat or be social, a dining room table for 6-8, a living room piece of two if yours are old. What is true, is that you two are not on the same page about what comes first, a secure and comfortable home, or a 1 day party. You need to work things out. But any marriage counselor would tell you, nesting behavior, investing earnings in home things , is the first very good sign that one is settling down to the reality: I want long term with her , I want marriage. The marriage being more important than the one day party called, the wedding.

I appreciate the feedback, what I don't appreciate is some of the nastiness in some of the comments. You assume i'm forcing him into a wedding, the wedding was HIS idea. He wants the wedding. Many of you made a lot of assumptions which were not called for. I was venting, not asking you to judge me, attack me, or insult my fiancee. To those of you who were supportive and listened to me, thank you. I was venting because I was sad and a little hurt and was hoping for support, I was not asking for people to tell me to dump him, or assume that i'm "making" him put all his money into a wedding. There is nothing further from the truth than that. I've offered to elope, i've offered to go to city hall, to Vegas. He wants the day to be special for both of us. He's a good guy. I'm not trying to be ungrateful, I'm really not. I'm honestly grateful for all the comments, even the ones that were HORRIBLY rude and uncaring, because you did take the time to comment, for that I thank you. I just wish the nasty and rude comments had been thought through before they were posted. I didn't appreciate the nasty PM's either. I learned I won't vent here again.

I’m not sure why everyone is so quick to say red flag like every man is perfect and doesn’t want to spend money. I’m not sure if your fiancé is good with finances or not, but it seems like using all the money for a wedding isn’t important to him. I had the same issue with mine who was upset we couldn’t spend the money on other things. He didn’t go out and spend it on other things he wanted, but I’m sure he would’ve if I said ok. Sounds like your FH has decent intentions but really poor execution. See if maybe you could return the bedroom set? Usually they have a return policy on that kinda stuff. Hopefully he sees how it was wrong, making big purchases alone like that is def a no no. And he can work on it ☺️ Good luck!

View Quoted Comment Hey girl, I’ve run into this problem on here too. People are literally so rude about certain things that you’re just looking to complain about. They told me my fiancé not wanting to Call the caterer because he wasn’t informed enough was a huge red flag. Um ok chill out. Everything will be fine! Don’t worry about! 💕

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I've sadly been seeing that here too. I've seen some really rude treatment of women just asking a simple question. I don't have a lot of close female friends, so I thought this place was one where others would understand and not be so judgy. I was wrong. Thank you for getting it.

Maybe he’s not ready to get married right now. I would sit down and have a real serious talk with him . Good luck

View Quoted Comment "The whole point of getting married is to have two people with both their brains working together and complementing each other with their individual strengths and resources for mutual benefit.". This is the definition of a corporation or a business agreement. Not necessarily a marriage. Many couples do not merge finances completely. And emotional things very often have equal play or greater importance than mutual benefit from joint resources, as in money and property. Something neither you nor a lot of posters seem to be considering: A couple of people, even living together and engaged, are not one financial unit, unless they have a written agreement. Each member if the couple who earns money, or receives a pension ir other income, has the right to spend their own money as they choose, right up until they marry. Their mate can express preferences. But the final choice is theirs. In non community property states, this extends past marriage in many ways. OP cannot make her FI bring anything back, in order to spend the money on her priorities not his priorities. He earned the money and he gets the biggest and final say in how his earnings before marriage are spent. . . So many times, I have read here on WW, women saying their FI or boyfriend wants to spend the money she is earning, not him, on his priorities, not hers. And people say, that is too controlling, he only gets a voice in what he wants, but you have final say, it is a red flag if before marriage he wants control of money you earn. Here, he earned and owns the money, and I do not see the basis for saying, she should tell him to take his purchases bag and plan things out the way she wants it. Mutual benefit is not, one person earns what is not joint money, before marriage, and the other gets to make final decisions on how it is spent. He is not an investor, and her the CEO and financial manager of all investor funds. In marriage, the goal is a working arrangement that is reasonably emotionally satisfying, and agreement on how joint funds ate spent. But until marriage, individual earnings are not joint funds. Not until he deposits them in a dedicated joint account for the wedding, or for other things. He kept his earnings and bought real property, furniture. It seems Poster Laura and her FI need to sit down, do a planning budget for the wedding, and the household everyday bills, and purchases. If FI really wants the marriage, at a particular time, as he says, then he needs to set aside money, or revise plans, ir pick up extra work a while, to go in a separate account to draw on for the wedding, off limits for other things. But the OP cannot make him take back anything, or set aside money, by telling him what he must do with earnings from the past year that were refunded from tax withholding. I can ser why she is upset, if he has promised one thing, and done another. But until they marry, none of his earnings are hers. A tough situation, but not hopeless. He at least sees their home as a big priority. So when he wants to actually set aside money for a wedding, may be later than previously agreed. But then, they have not been together long. And this kind of communication takes time. In the first year to year and a half, much is more emotion than practical joint planning.

Actually if someone is on the same back account with you that money is a joint fund legally. And, no just because you have a joint fund, doesn’t mean you aren’t joint till married. That’s short sighted. What about couples who never marry?

If they both share the same account she has the right to be consulted on major purchase even if it’s not all her money especially if they have agreed to direct those funds to their wedding. Anything short of this is a breach of trust.

If my FI used money that had already been allocated towards our wedding for something else without even asking me first, guess what? I’d hand him his ring back and tell him to use it to use that to pay for the mattress, then I’d pack up all his stuff and direct him to the nearest motel.

If you can’t trust your partner, you shouldn’t be getting married. And it’s better to find out sooner than later. What if this is just the tip of the iceberg, and what if he’s going around doing other stuff besides buying furniture without at least giving her a heads up. I really don't see why it was so hard to talk to her "Hey, Laura, I'd like to replace that crappy mattress, and I found something that I think you'd like." That's all he had to do. It's not so much the redirecting of those funds, but the way he went around her, avoided talking to her when she's the other person sleeping in that bed. That's cheesy elementary school "cloak-and-dagger" crap that doesn't belong in any adult relationship, especially a loving one.

And to be fair, I don't want to be mean about Laura's FI, but the way in which he completely disregarded the idea she might have something to say and assumed defacto power over their funds without so much as a single "I'm going to the furniture store, you want to come long?" That's not right even if they aren't married. Seriously how many successful adult relationships have you seen where only one person completely makes all the decisions?

So sorry you are dealing with this. is it possible to return the furniture??

i guess i would talk with him and see what his thoughts are if he is wanting to push the wedding back? or what is though process is.

i would love to hear what happened with this story