Fiancee spent wedding money

To start, I didn’t read all the comments on this so somebody may have already responded with the same thing...

To be completely honest reading this i immediately spotted a few red flags and signs of manipulation and gaslighting. I think at the minimum here you need to have a really serious conversation with your fiancé. For starters, he’s done this twice. He knows what is he doing and knew how you would react. He did this without telling you so that you wouldn’t have a chance to say no or to discuss it at all and that feels very intentional. Also, he then tells you it’s a Valentine’s Day gift which is a way to manipulate the situation and make it seem like he was being thoughtful and generous, which he wasn’t. Then, you say he feels bad that you were upset. So, he doesn’t feel bad for the decision he made. It doesn’t seem that he’s admitting his wrong doing he’s just sorry for your emotions. This is gaslighting. This is a way of making you feel like your reaction is the problem and takes the blame off of him. He keeps spending your wedding money without discussing it with you when it seems it is very clear to the both of you what this money was meant to be used for.

Id say it seems he is not ready to get married. Now, I don’t know either of you I don’t know if this is odd behavior for him or if he does similar things in other parts of your lives. Maybe he wants to marry you and he just isn’t ready right now. Or, I’m not saying this is the case but I think it should be talked about, that he doesn’t want to get married at all. Also, if he is displaying similar behaviors in the rest of your relationship you should really sit down and think about your relationship together. Think if you can spend your life married to someone that you can’t trust, that secretly spends your savings, pretends it is a generous act and then only apologizes for how you feel about it and not his own actions. I know you’re upset and maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds or maybe he’s actually a nice guy and made a dumb mistake but I still think you should really talk to him about it. Maybe consider couples counseling - which isn’t just something for couples that aren’t doing well I know lots of very happy couples who go to counseling to learn how to deal with problems before they happen. I would definitely recommend EVERY couple to do a couple counseling sessions, it can really help you learn how to communicate effectively and then when there is an argument you will already know how to handle it.

Good luck, I wish you the best!

View Quoted Comment Exactly.

My fiancé and I merged finances early on and are very transparent with our expenditures and we work closely together on our budget.

No way in heck either of us would think to buy a set of furniture without consulting the other one. That’s crazy to me.

I do not mean to be nasty, just realistic. When someone shows you who they are, accept it. He can tell you all day long he wants to get married, but if acts differently, accept it.

As to shared finances, many people have different ideas of sharing money before marriage v after. I think premarital counseling would be a really good idea.

View Quoted Comment Yeah... what gets me is the 'sorry you are sad now' comment. Like really?

I completely understand why you are upset. Maybe you can talk to him about agreeing on large purchases as a couple instead of giving each other free reign to do so.

My FH and I have 3 accounts. We each have an individual account, and we have a joint account. We can spend from our individual accounts however we choose. But any large purchases from the joint account must be agreed upon. It doesn't matter who put how much money in. Once it is in the joint account, it is OUR money. Not his or mine.

Every couple is different, so this approach may not work for you. But finding a system that DOES work for both of you is important.

I would see if it could be returned firstly. I'm not saying it is your situation, but my ex-fiance had the same sort of mentality. He made more money than me at the time and suddenly we had new TV, a new dog, he had a new computer, etc, etc (the lists is long) and my breaking point was a new car. He always insisted it was for our benefit. Although I would air my grievances and tell him it was upsetting me he wouldn't talk to me about these purchases, they kept happening and I had to walk away.

I make sure with my current fiance we are transparent with money and finances whenever making big purchases affecting both of us. I also stand my ground more firmly when it comes to having an input in decisions financially even though he again makes more than I.

Just stand firm in what you want, be honest, and talk to him about how this affects you emotionally. That's important.

He is either hesitant about the type of wedding, isn't concerned about the financing for it, or isn't ready to get married. Either way, the red flag for me is the impromptu big spending items. I realize they're all practical items, and it's not often... but even once it too much. Especially if he's willing to dip into an alternate account for it and not discuss the purchase with you ahead of time.

You should see if you can return the dresser! I completely get that you want to have savings for down payments, but I don't think you have to have every cent for the wedding put aside. Assuming you will have a reliable source of income while wedding planning, you can save for down payments that vendors require and then make monthly payments. I can't speak for every vendor, but most require a down payment and then have the balance due a couple weeks before the wedding. I just made payments along the way so I didn't have a giant bill at the end.

This seems like a red flag, especially if he has done this before. Playing devils advocate, maybe he doesn't want to have a wedding. Have you discussed a civil ceremony? Maybe he isn't for the big wedding. There should be a true discussion about each others wants for your future. Also, if you are planning to be his wife, his monetary decisions should involve you. This is just my opinion. I hope everything works out for the best.

Again, appreciate all the comments, but ii'm NOT asking him to save ALL our money for the wedding, was just the income tax return. I mentioned that several times. Again, HE wanted the wedding, was HIS idea. He wants a wedding with our family and friends. He's NOT spend happy, He DOES respect me, there is NO money imbalance with us.

Sorry but I completely disagree with pps about starting to book anything unless the funds you use a refundable

what would your your actual plan be if he decided you needed a new oven as your birthday present instead of paying off a vendor and then you’re out even more wasted money because you lose the down payments

FACT these things aren’t for you

when my SO bought a mattress on a whim that we didn’t need and I got upset he returned it

if you cannot return it I would list it for sale and recoup whatever you can because they’re supposedly yours right? Your gifts? Yeah, probably can’t do that because they’re not really yours I’m guessing

basically i view this as crunch time

Can you be happy in life excluded from the finances and decision making? Will you be fine if you don’t have a wedding or he continues to delay the marriage?

personLLY I love my SO flaws and all so if there no marriage so be it because I know we’re going to be together with it without a piece of paper...

if the wedding is whar you care care about you need to pull a him and sit down and say we’re saving xyz and I’m doing abc with it, if not I’m sorry but I cannot wait forever and will be leaving at x deadline if your whims are more important than the things we agreed upon mutually

personally I think the no planning stipulation says it all: he doesn’t want to get married: no clue if that’s a “now” thing or a long term or even permanent issue

every relationship takes work but I don’t see much of a successful future if you have different ideas about how and when to spend money and only have “his” money

my SO works while I stay home and it’s clearly family money

when i worked and he didnt it wasnt my money

i think soul search then accept and love him for who he is including what may never happen or adjust your life accordingly if all you want is a marriage license or a wedding because it’s expensive for a person without an income... to me he clearly doesn’t seem to want “his” earnings to pay for the wedding

View Quoted Comment So are you on track with his income and your “savings plan” to save enough for the wedding he wants in the timeframe? If so, then I totally get just wanting to vent

if not then I would focus on trying to make him understand your feelings about these unwanted “gifts” and that his unilateral decisions have made that tentative date unrealistic so you need to set a new realistic one

How big of a wedding does he want? (You've mentioned that you don't care about a wedding... it's something he wants) How long will you need to be on disability? Take these things into account and then go online together, look up costs, and have a "reality check" conversation. How much money is expected to come into the home in the next 8 months, vs. how much it will cost to have his big wedding. Every time he makes a large purchase, he is putting the wedding off further into the future, or he is reducing the size of the wedding to a smaller event. Ask him which is more important to him, A: a big event further in the future or B: making you his wife this October?

Option A: No more large purchases of any kind until after the wedding. Move the date to next year because there is no way to get it done by this October if you haven't even started. (My date is over a year away and already we have booked our venues because the venues are booking up fast!) As a couple, start putting down deposits and making monthly payments towards the big event. When the big day comes, dance and celebrate in a nice reception hall. You're married!

Option B: Buy a dress, pay an officiant, and have your closest friends and family surround you next to a public lake, a beach, a park, or whatever special place on your chosen October day. You don't even need chairs. Your loved ones can stand around you in a circle and witness the 15-minute ceremony. Then everyone hop in their cars and go have a bbq. Dance and celebrate the day away in your family's backyard. You're married!

Side note: I will be honest that I find it manipulative when he calls these things "gifts for you". You never asked for them. He wanted them. He clearly knew he should consult with you first, and he knew you'd say "no", so he decided to buy them quietly and call them gifts to cover his own guilty feelings about buying them without consulting you. ("It's not disrespecting her right to have an opinion if I'm buying it as a surprise gift for her...") I hope you were blunt with him. Men often don't realize how smart we women are until we are blunt. ;-)

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We're not having a big wedding. between 50-75 people. He has 7 children, 6 grandkids and is one of six kids himself. I am permanently disabled. I have been since birth. I'm visually impaired.

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Again, with all of that in consideration, I'd ask him which one is most important? "Big" (meaning paid venue, catering, church, decorations, DJ, videographer, etc... regardless of guest count) or "soon" (meaning 8 months from now). Either way, you'll be married at the end of the day. Just find out which planning commitment he's willing to stick to.

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My apologies for coming off rude or severe. I definitely did not mean to. I saw something similar to what you're describing with my parents. It began as simply frustrating because things weren't communicated properly. It would be simple things like, "well the tax return came in, and we do need a new XYZ, but we had originally wanted to save that money for ABC instead" 15 years later, the behavior was out of control. Dad would tap into their joint spending account (bill account) for frivolous things. By the time I was 16, they were in bankruptcy.

So, I did a snowball effect when I saw your post. I would still be annoyed by what your FI did, and or me it would be a red flag, but I could see where you just needed to vent about it.

You say he's not an over spender, which is good. However, he sounds to me like a strategical spender, which is bad. Once is a mistake, twice is a problem. He doesn't want to get married (at least not yet). The signs are there. Every time you get 2 steps ahead, he knocks you 10 steps back. You need to sit him down and seriously talk about the state of your relationship. Maybe he doesn't want to get married, maybe he doesn't want the big wedding. He doesn't want something and you need for him to get it off his chest for both of your sakes.

I wish for you the best.