Fiancé’s big family long distance problems

Make a list of your family/friends and his. Eliminate all obligatory people, people you don't have any relationship with and you would only be inviting to please others (such as those parents are close to). Anyone left over should only be your nearest and dearest best friends/closest relatives. Keep cutting until you get there.

I think you have a basic misunderstanding of the importance of family to him, and that is a lifetime issue you need to settle. You are not talking second and third cousins. These are basic family members he loves, sees, and wants i his life now and after marriage. And that is a very usual expectation. Just swapping to a guaranteed smaller destination wedding with the hop of cutting off people he wants, is being horrible to him. Like saying, your feelings about your family do not matter to me, only my feelings matter. As to his having friends and you not, being friendless is not an ideal state, and it is pretty unfair to think that because you don't, he should not invite his. This is mot supposed to be you the bride's ideal day or vision. that is a very self involved view. This is supposed to a mix of what each of you wants, as a couple, together. How will you be when he wants 5 families of relatives and a few couples of friends over for half the holidays, or cookouts? Attending the weddings, baptisms, birthdays or graduations or other ceremonies of his aunts and uncles children, his cousins? This is not just a wedding guest list issue. Start by dropping the expectation that this should be my day, and start thinking , our day . And, jointly, about both of you for a lot of years. If you want all your family, and he wants all of his, that is fair. Not tit for tat. If you cannot accept 120, and he wants that, see what the future brings. Don't plan on him giving up family, for you . Don't plan on him giving up friends, for you. That is not marriage, and does not work. Talk about more than the guest list.

I think Judith is spot on, here.

Also, weddings are not a competition as to who has the most/least family there. The only blood relative of mine at our wedding was my father, because I'm estranged from most of the rest of them. So, my family was my dad, my stepmom, and my dad's frat brother and his wife. DH had his parents, sister, 2 aunts, an uncle, a cousin, and his godparents, plus a family friend who is like their grandma.

*This is very common.*

The two of you need to sit down, figure out what kind of wedding you BOTH want, but also, what kind of future you BOTH envision.

View Quoted Comment This is spot on


I'm in a similar situation as you. I have a small extended family that I barely ever see, and FH has a huge extended family that he's very close to. I would never ask him to cut out his family to get to an even list. In fact, our list is going to be quite uneven. His family is going to be my family, his friends will be my friends. Of course they should be there.
I think you can draw the line before obligation guests and insist on just family and close friends. But asking him to cut part of his family out is hurtful.

View Quoted Comment I agree with you on this 100%

My wedding will be the same way, about 120 guests for him/his parents (mostly extended family) and 40 for me/my parents. People in my fiancé's family feel left out if they're not on an email chain, let alone a wedding. Big families can be very close and if you didn't grow up in that environment it may be hard to understand this is important to him.


Just because there are a lot of people doesn't mean it can't be intimate. There are a lot of things you can do throughout the day, like having a first look and having a sweetheart table at the reception, that are just for the two of you. Definitely sit down with him and start making your guest list, and focus on inviting groups (i.e. if you invite one cousin you have to invite all the cousins) so no one gets left out.

My wedding reception will be very similar, with roles reversed. My husband is from Croatia and his entire extended family lives there. His mom and sister (dad passed away) are his only family who will be here. I also happen to have more friends (I did the traditional college route, he was in the military and then went to engineering school—wasn’t the best place to make friends!). I would have been devastated if he didn’t want my extended family at our celebration as I’m also close with them like your fiancé. My husband is really happy so many of my family and friends will be there (and he also wanted to marry into a bigger family if that makes sense). I agree with Judith, I think this mindset is going to create a lot of issues for your relationship moving forward. It’s true that when you marry a person you’re also marrying their family in a lot of ways.

View Quoted Comment Thanks! Part of my problem is just catering to have the wedding in his town so that his family can be there. I feel like if they really care, they’d travel to where I live (in the US still) but they won’t come unless we have it where he lives, and that feels like the wedding isn’t even about my FH but about his guests

View Quoted Comment That’s a good idea. Thanks!

I have a slightly different view than other posters, I think you two should come up with a compromise. That can be very overwhelming, especially if you don’t know them well, to have the majority of your wedding guests be his aunts/uncles/cousins. Maybe there’s a line you can draw with uncles and not invite all the cousins? I definitely agree you should have respect for his closeness with his family but he should respect what you want on your wedding day also. There’s definitely a middle ground here that can be found.

View Quoted Comment I never thought of it that way at all. Thank you so much for putting it that way.
My FH is so selfless and I’d really hate to be insisting that he give up his desires and family for my more petty meaningless preferences.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! It’s good to clearly hear the other perspective. I’ve known you sort of marry the family, I didn’t realize it sometimes includes more than parents and siblings lol.
I seriously love this guy. He’s awesome. So his family must be great too.
I just sort of hate catering to what and where our guests want I guess. Sorta the rebel in me. But my FH would have never explained so much because he is so selfless. I really appreciate your comment. I would be awful to take that from him

View Quoted Comment Thank you! He definitely respects what I want. But I haven’t really respected his family relationships I suppose.
I’m a very introverted person, so yes, overwhelming 😆

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It's such a catch-22. I know people say the moment you decide to invite guests the wedding isn't just about you, it's also about their comfort and hospitality. But for you, you'd just as soon not invite any! So accommodating them feels especially irritating. I really think you and your fiance can compromise here. It's awesome he's so close to his family, and that is something that will impact your lives. But that doesn't mean you are forced to be unilaterally uncomfortable.

You say your fiance is an awesome guy, if you're compromising by having the location in his preferred destination, then make sure you advocate for yourself with things that make YOU happy. Not in a "let's make this even" kind of way, but in a way that ensures you're both super happy about your day.

And remember your guests are there for both of you! Don't think about it as his/hers guests and make sure you have signage at the ceremony directing people to both sides of the aisle or ushers to escort people on alternate sides.

View Quoted Comment Your preferences are not meaningless in the life you have lived. But at least periodically, you are stepping into his world of big loving family, many loving friends, people he does not feel complete without. Cutting some of those closest to him is like cutting off his fingers and toes and ears, and saying, I left all the important things. Many with large families still only relate to a few on a regular basis. But that clearly is not your FI. Our day, not my day, may take some work, like shifting languages. But it is in a great cause. We, us, our is a lot of fun.

Now, as to the honeymoon, whether a 4 day weekend, or a two week vacation, that is a significant part of the wedding. That is your time. Want a ballroom dance with no one else on your dance card? find a real old fashioned night club. Or a harbor cruise, river cruise or short hop on the ocean. Don't pack too many places in a short time. Make each day in your plan special for 2, and some of the things you wanted and did not get for the wedding, you can do.

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I don't always agree with Judith but in this case, Judith is spot on.

View Quoted Comment Well I agree with you there. That's some BS, you shouldn't have to have it where he lives. We are having the wedding where my parents live and his family is traveling. If they really want to join, they will come.

Bear with me on this essay I wrote, but I share the same perspective and situation as you; I'm introverted, have a small nuclear family and a few close friends, and would have been happy to go to the courthouse. My fiancé, on the other hand, is extroverted, has a large, close extended family and many friends, and is accustomed to big traditional weddings.


The first draft of our guest list was over 100 people, only 20 of which were mine. I felt like I was about to attend a party for my fiancé which I happened to be invited to and would get married at. It took a lot of discussion to arrive at a compromise we were both happy with.
The core of it all is that he values family and relationships and wanted everyone there, whereas I place more value on intimacy and my independence. I was willing to compromise with a larger wedding as long as I had met each guest before. My one rule was no strangers at my wedding. We landed at 65 people, which includes his close extended family and his closest friends. He cut out more distant friends, coworkers, family friends, obligation invites etc.
Beyond keeping the guest list small/medium and only people I had met before, we added in elements to make the day feel less overwhelming and more intimate. We'll be doing a first look, sharing our personal vows, eating at a sweetheart table, etc. I feel pretty happy with our plan, because he will have the most important people there, and I will at ease and like the day is about us and not get lost in a sea of people I don't know.
I hope this helps 😅

While I agree with previous posters about you and him talking more about balancing his wants and yours, I think that you could also compromise by having the wedding outside of his small town and still inviting the people he is asking for. It is a special day for the both of you so don't make definite plans until you are both happy.



Perhaps his grandparents would agree to drive down with another close relative instead of flying or driving on their own? Get creative and communicate with both your FH and your other guests to see what their limits are and how far they are willing/able to travel. We don't have all the info available, such as where your friends/family are coming from and how close you live to his family, so my advice might not be helpful at all.