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Beginner July 2025

Fiance's Daughter Not Cooperative

Mostly, on July 29, 2023 at 11:04 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 22
My fiance of 6 years has one daughter that is getting married next year. Due to my never having been in this situation, I have asked her what she'd prefer I wear (specifically requesting what she was expecting per her chosen venue), which she replied with "I don't know! Lol".


That's not the only issue; I asked what time the wedding is because her father/my fiance had no idea, to which she also replied with "I don't know". I explained to my fiance that their venue, which he laid for, is booked. That is a block of time. She HAS to know the time. So he asked her, and of course she knew the time and told him, so she did in fact know the time (as everyone knows, the time of the event determines the chosen attire).
At this point I've been spending a lot of time reading up on wedding etiquette so I am proper in attire and whatnot. At this point I doubt she will reveal the chosen color of the bridesmaids, and she won't even share a photo of her dress with her father, so I'm pretty sure asking this question will result in getting nowhere. My fiance, whom will be wearing a traditional Father of the Bride's traditional tux told me he wants me to dress up to match his attire - so that is now settled, however this is not by any means going to be a formal wedding based on their chosen venue.
I am now concerned about other possible issues because she's one that likes to throw in digs about me via jokes that I fairly recently stopped ignoring because of the level of disrespect (the disrespect at all and in the first place) is unwarranted and unappreciated and I finally spoke up about it. That said, her mother also treats me the same because (long story short) I didn't appreciate being treated as an outsider after all these years and put my foot down, which my fiance had no problem with and actually seemed to appreciate and have a huge amount of stress lifted. They basically don't appreciate my presence and he goes nowhere without me, which was also the brunt of jokes more than once and at inappropriate times (example: at his mother's service and at the house, after she passed away). We are simply one of those couples that consider each other, we are very close, and we hold hands and sit together. He will get a plate of food or drinks for me, etc. For some reason, his chivalry towards me is something they apparently don't like.
Anyways, I fully expect other guests and family members turn their backs to me, to be ignored during conversations, to be left out of photos, and who knows what else (yes, this is actually probably very likely to happen due to what has been done to me thus far).
I can say that I know with certainty my fiance will not allow any disrespect towards me, though he is sometimes oblivious that it's happening because, as I mentioned, it comes in the form of digs as jokes about very specific things pertaining to me.
I'm seeking any advice, really. This day SHOULD be about their nuptials, and I can't believe I even have to make a post about this, but I'd rather ask for assistance so I can get some insight and advice and be able to plan and be prepared, and hopefully avoid the potential for any unnecessary issues or drama.

22 Comments

Latest activity by Kimberly, on July 31, 2023 at 12:02 PM
  • P
    Devoted April 2023
    Peyton ·
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    Have you seen the invitations that will be sent? That would answer your most basic questions. Your fiance should be able to very helpful. Just have him ask the questions. Don’t worry this far in advance. You are going to be dressed appropriately and up for the task!

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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    I have not. She seems reluctant to share anything with either of us (with him I'm guessing it's because she doesn't want him to share it with me, and he shares everything with me). Based on already-existing issues and her responses are why I'm concerned. I myself find it more of an annoyance, but I know my fiance will be deeply hurt and upset if anything that shouldn't occur, occurs. I truly am trying to do things appropriately and I can see it's just not going to be an easy task.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    The wedding isn't for another year though? If so, I'm not sure she would have thought about timing or attire yet.

    You're choosing to wear formal attire? Why though? A tux actually isn't really necessary in this case unless the wedding is formal in nature. A suit would work just as well.

    I guess I just don't know why you're pre-emptively getting stressed about things that aren't even happening or haven't happened yet.

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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    She has the venue chosen and paid for, he paid for it. It is now just less than a year away. It is because she has thus far not engaged in inquiries, just in discussion and to show interest. I guess I should have further clarified, but that is when the concern occurred. So yes, about a year early and these are concerns because of her pattern of behaviors towards me, and our relationship. He is wearing a tux because that's traditionally what the Father of the Bride wears, and because she hasn't been cooperative in discussions. She has done photos and gotten her wedding gown already, so I guess I don't see this as being too far ahead of time. We want to be prepared, too. This wedding is taking place in another state so her guests must also plan.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    I'm not sure what she's done wrong though. What is she not cooperating about? I'm not sure what it is that you're expecting.

    If she doesn't want to share photos of her gown, surely that's OK. I know lots of people that don't share their wedding day outfits or planning details for that matter.

    Again, the FOB is not obligated by tradition to wear a tux. It's the formality of the event that determines the formality of the attire.

    Basically, this wedding is a party you'll need to attend several months from now. There's not really anything needing doing right now.

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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    I don't want to see the gown, that was her father asking. I feel that, in general, when someone is asking questions you should have the decency to answer them. This is sort of just a preview of more difficulties to come. The tux? She hasn't discussed attire with him, even when brought up, so that's what he's choosing to wear. We have no idea what the groomsmen are wearing, but usually the Father of the Bride wears something similar to their attire, but again, we know nothing. And again, the concern is the seeming reluctance of discussing anything he would need to know (both of us, really, as we live together). With everything appearing to be about done on their end, we know nothing. So it's not that she's doing anything wrong, it's moreso that she just doesn't seem to want to talk about it. I specifically asked about attire and got no helpful information, so her father is wearing a tux, and he wants me as his fiance to match his attire. Things of course can change between now and then, but as of now, this is what it is. So I'm asking for advice. Do you have any helpful words to offer?
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    At a year out, it’s highly unlikely they’ve made any decisions about groom and groomsman attire. That’s done way later. The father of the bride does not traditionally wear a tuxedo. He may. He can also wear a suit. My wedding was formal, and my husband and his groomsmen wore tuxes. Our fathers both wore suits they already owned. The father of the bride does not need to match the groomsmen, and the groomsmen attire is usually selected like 3-4 months out. It sounds like you’ve had a lot of negative experiences with his family thus far, which stinks and is unfortunate. However, you are a guest of the wedding like any other, so I would just stop worrying about this and figure out your dress when you get the invitation, as will all the other invited guests.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Why are you worrying about this now? I'm not trying to be rude, but it feels super early to worry about what you or your SO is wearing to a wedding next year.


    As for her not sharing information, that's her prerogative. I was engaged for just about a year and we didn't share any information with anyone until we needed to. Mostly because I didn't want anyone else's opinions on our decisions, but also because it just wasn't necessary. Attire for the wedding party (including the parents if participating) doesn't need to be decided until 4-6 months out from the wedding.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    My wedding is 70 days away and I barely know the answers you're asking her. I didn't even decide my bridesmaids color until a month or 2 ago. 😂


    Sounds like you two are on an information diet. Can't say I blame her.
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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    Yes, unfortunately enough negative experiences to bring me here with these concerns, and the issues continue. I do believe that's why I'm concerned about issues around such an important event, one hundred percent. We want her to be happy, she can be the sweetest thing, and then she does a fly-by dig when they're here as guests, so it has not been the easiest thing to deal with, and the worst feeing is the anticipation of when and what will be said.


    So thank you for your words, I do appreciateyou taking the time to read through to have a better understanding.
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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    Yes, unfortunately enough negative experiences to bring me here with these concerns, and the issues continue. I do believe that's why I'm concerned about issues around such an important event, one hundred percent. We want her to be happy, she can be the sweetest thing, and then she does a fly-by dig when they're here as guests, so it has not been the easiest thing to deal with, and the worst feeing is the anticipation of when and what will be said.


    So thank you for your words, I do appreciateyou taking the time to read through to have a better understanding.
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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
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    He's a traditional, older gentleman. It's just the way he is. His choosing to wear a tux, to me, sounds like something he always planned on (I'm not sure, if he had direction from his daughter I'm sure he'd have no problem with not wearing a tux, and maybe that will happen). My father wore a tux years ago when I was married, though I had a very formal wedding, and I definitelyunderstandthe difference. And I agree with you that a tux seems to be a lot, because it is. And this is the part we've tried to ask about: because of the chosen venue (her father paid for it months ago, it has been chosen, the dates set, etc.) is not formal and is more of a (please bear with me, I'm not sure the terms for this type of wedding) "farmy", maybe boho (?) kind of wedding? (It is on a farm-type property that does a lot of weddings). With this very specific venue, with matches their farmhouse decorated house, the question was asked because it seems that this is a pretty clear indication a tux is not the appropriate choice. I hope I'm explaining this so you better understand. I get that it is just less than a year out, but with this type of venue, which is very specific, it seems that at the very least, it could be stated as maybe "Dressy country" or something, just a simple statement to answer a question, and not just gone unanswered. They have all of their ducks in a row, it'show they are. I do know everything is probably chosen at this point because it'show they are, and I expect nothing to be my business, because it's not, nor do I want it to be. An answer to a simple question would be appropriate to give an idea of what's expected. I'm sure she doesn't want her guests showing up mismatched to the chosen venue, such as a tux on a farm, but her father as of now is planning on a tux because there has been no direction given and no willingness to answer a question about what she expects or prefers her guests to wear, and that's where he's at (I'm not spending a penny until I am positive I know what is expected). The snarkiness I deal with personally, all that nonsense put aside, I have ignored since it being addressed (though it is juvenile and still not appreciated and is not making things any easier). We plan ahead just as they do. And this is her father. He refers to her as his baby girl. He is very excited about this event. His baby girl is getting married. He is alive, he is present, he deserves a little respect in terms of maybe a "hey dad, this is what we need you to wear". Mom knows everything, dad knows nothing, so I personally think an answer about attire is not something that should be an issue.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    To be honest, it sounds like you are creating issues that don’t exist, out of fear of past experiences. My advice would be to just chill out and stop thinking about the wedding until 3 months out. At the 90 day mark, she should be in a better position to answer your questions. Making yourself crazy in the meantime isn’t going to change/help anything. If anything, it will create the exact response you are fearful of (self-fulfilling prophecies are a real thing!). Persistent questioning and pestering the bride is likely going to irritate and frustrate her, and make her less likely to want to share details.
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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
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    So you're definitely not the planner that they are. I had my wedding planned out a year out as well, and I mean everything down to the flowers and what color they were. Everyone does things differently, but they are not the type to wait. They had this heavily thought out and now planned.


    I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "information diet".

    To me, this lack of sharing any information seems more about her dislike of myself. I say this because when I asked what time the wedding is (so I could put it on our calendar so we can hire a pet sitter for our dogs and cat) she told me she didn't know. When her father asked maybe two days later, she knew. Of course the time was known because when you choose a venue, you choose a block of time when you pay for the venue because they probably do two weddings per day and the venue needs to know. It seems glowingly obvious.
    If I chose not to attend to avoid the aggravation of these unnecessary childish games, my fiancé would be extremely upset. The digs towards me aside, I've been beyond nice (not just for the wedding, but to get past the drama). I really don't need this in my life.
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  • K
    Super September 2023
    Kimberly ·
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    I’m sorry, but you simply do not need to know the dress code one year before the wedding as a guest. This does not mean the couple is intentionally hiding anything from you or any of their guests. And it’s not an insult if they are. A lot of people keep their wedding details quiet to avoid other people’s opinions or because they want the flexibility to change their minds as they continue planning. I can only imagine how you would interpret it if they told you today that a tux is fine and then in 4 months that they prefer a suit. It sounds like it’s too early for invitations and even Save the Dates to have gone out. This is usually when couples specify a dress code, and if they don’t the default is semiformal (which doesn’t require a tux). They don’t need a confusing Instagram dress code like “dressy farm” that will just confuse their guests. She also might not know the time of day they’re having the ceremony because many venues let couples rent the space for the day, and then they have the flexibility to come up with an exact timeline themselves. Worst case scenario, your fiancé’s daughter doesn’t want to talk to either of you about the wedding because she’s not your biggest fan and is only reluctantly including you in her day, and if she fails to give you information about the wedding even once it is appropriate for you to know it, then that will be on her if people show up and don’t follow a secret dress code. It really sounds like you need to focus on planning your own wedding, and leave your fiancé’s daughter space to plan hers.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I think you are missing the point. The point is, you don’t need to worry about attire right now. It doesn’t matter if your fiancé wears a tux or a suit or a bathing suit at this point! It’s too far out to worry about this. I don’t think a lot of people realize how much planning goes into a Wedding. There are a million decisions, and the bride is likely overwhelmed and doesn’t need to be focusing on what her father and his fiancé are going to wear to her wedding a year from now. Also, things change frequently during planning. What they think they want now, they may not want six months from now. So she may be waiting until closer to the date when she knows for absolute sure what she wants him to wear, rather than tell him something now, have him spend money on it, then have to spend money on something different later. Not to mention, peoples weights can fluctuate in a year. Nobody should be purchasing their attire a year out. I think you need to respect the bride’s decision to make and share choices on her own timeline for her own event.
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  • M
    Beginner July 2025
    Mostly ·
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    I and definitely not persistently asking details. It was an inquiry about two things: the time, and the attire. Both of which she has the answer to. If I didn't know they had everything planned out, I would not have asked.


    The issues have been her dislike of me, and therefore making snarky comments and digs. This has been going on for years, it's not a new issue. I am not making issues.
    Due to the nature of this (there's a lot more to it, and all very unnecessary and immature, so I really have ignored most of it), I chose to come here for advice.
    There is no possible way to have a relationship with his daughter. Being nicer does nothing. I've never mistreated her. The one time I finally got fed up enough and said something (not even to her, just venting to her father), she couldn't handle it and broke down when I had little to say to her one day (I figured if I dont say much I won't get the snarky comments, right?). It's not okay to mistreat people, I was not raised that way. But all that aside, I will reiterate: I have tried to be nothing but nice (again, not to elaborate, but I've spent a lot of time going above and beyond to do things for them and still receive poor treatment. Would you allow that type of treatment?)
    So yes, when I asked those 2 questions, I expected an answer, not games.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Based on what you’ve just said, I don’t know why you “expected an answer (to questions you didn’t need to ask at this point) and not games”. It sounds like this is right on point with your past experiences. You say you ignore her nonsense, but here you are obsessing over an unanswered question about wardrobe. You say you want advice, but you’re not listening to the many many people who are all telling you the same thing- calm down and don’t worry about the wardrobe until closer to the wedding 🤷🏼‍♀️
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  • C
    CM ·
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    If you are sensing that FDIL is avoiding any discussion about the details of the wedding for punitive reasons or because she's annoyed then you are probably correct. Her attitude seems to be that you are a guest or a SO like any other and can wait for the invitations. You aren't mother of the bride or in the wedding party. After a six year engagement you aren't even married to her father.

    The proper attire for FOB is not a tuxedo and the goal is not for you to "match" him. You'd both wear whatever is appropriate to the formality of the affair. As far as traditional etiquette goes, that should go for the groom and the wedding party, too. You may or may not be correct in your assumptions about a barn or farm wedding being less formal. You'd think so, but sometimes people plan affairs you wouldn't expect at a venue. So unless your FI gets the information from her, you're just going to have to wait.

    Likewise, I don't know what the wedding party colors will be has anything to do with you. Most couples don't advertise things like that or show the bride's dress to anyone ahead of time.

    If you have a history and know you're annoying her, why are you pressing this issue? My advice is to back way off and keep a low profile. There's nothing you need to know about right now. You can casually begin to scout out semi formal and formal options at some point. I doubt it will be formal.

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  • S
    Rockstar June 2030
    Skylar ·
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    Maybe pick out 3 dresses online based on what you think the vibe is, send her pictures, and ask her if she likes any of them
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