Fiance's Involvement

He did participate in some important things like the tasting, looked at the venue with me, came with me to check out a potential photographer. So, I guess that is pretty good.

What are your thoughts? Any advice? Suggestions?

Have you had a discussion with him about your expectations for him for the planning process? It sounds like you've talked about some of the things you want him to do (groomsmen, passport, addresses), but did you discuss timeline with him? My fiancee and I sat down together at the beginning and laid out the timeline for things to get done and agreed on who was responsible for what. Mutually agreeing on deadlines and then checking in with each other (and holding each other to commitments) throughout the planning process has worked well. We used the "bones" of the WW checklist and then edited items and due dates to suit our situation. If your fiance is a list person like me, it's incredibly helpful to see it all written out on paper.

As far as getting him involved in helping you plan the rest of the wedding, find out what's he's passionate about. Chances are there are going to be some aspects of your wedding that your fiance feels strongly about; perhaps it's the honeymoon, or the DJ, or the food served at the reception. If he has a particular vision for part of your wedding and you want him to be more involved, putting him in charge of those areas makes sense. You have to talk to him first though, so if you haven't sat down and had the planning conversation yet, you should consider doing that soon.

If you want to live your life like you're in a board meeting, sure, follow Joe's advice. Jesus christ, do you ever relax? Reading your posts are emotionally and mentally exhausting.

I did everything myself because its a party and some people, like my DH, have no interest in parties. We were both happy with it.

Ask yourself how important it really is that he confers with you on a cake design, or what kind of flatware. To me, it was not important at all, even a little, for any reason.

I second that, TALK with him. Let him know what you are wanting him to be involved in.

We have both been married before, I never had a wedding, we just eloped when I was 18, he had the big wedding. So, at the beginning, he said, I do not really care about the design, I can have full reign. I am having a blast planning my first wedding. He is still involved in what I ask, what is going on, but, again, communication. Some items, I am super glad I get to decide without input. When he sees the cute butterfly china pattern I picked out, he would have said no. But, it will be mine!

Talk, let him know you want more interaction.

My FH has been married before. He had zero input into that wedding. It is important to me that he havebinlut into ours. However, I do not expect him to do the research and comparing that I do. I typically give him a choice if several things that I like and let him choose from those (invitations, favors, etc). He was the one that chise our venue & didn't even want to look at the others I researched. I usually only give him one task at a time (get me addresses, go buy stamps), then when that is done give him another. I will send him screenshots & ask his opinion on things. But he does not do any wedding planning on his own.

I'm sure he's excited he just works differently than you. My FH has not been very good with actioning things, but he is happy to talk about plans. The few things I needed him to do he managed to get done in time.

Talk to him about it and maybe explain why you need these things done sooner rather than later. Get an idea of what he is interested in. I bring FH in on anything he wants to help me figure out, but for the rest I just casually update him every now and then. It has worked very well.

FH is killing me with the groomsman! I am also pretty sure talking about expectations and setting deadlines is not living like a board meeting. If you both sit down and say this is when we need to figure this out by that's being mature and responsible. My FH always tells me that if I give him a deadline I can expect it done by then, I think that's fair it works for him and stuff gets done. discussing expectations and deadlines in a calm conversation just fine.

My fiance helped with the big things. He did confirm all his groomsmen, tasted the food, visited venues, did his groomsmen gifts. I did track down all of his addresses because I'm impatient, I also filled out his passport application and made an appointment for him to go in and do it. He never showed as much as excited as I did but that's because he didn't care about the details. All he cared about was getting married!!

My fiance has been great about most things, but like yours, he dragged his feet on a couple of things he wasn't looking forward to (reaching out to people from his old church--which has since dissolved--to get affadavits to confirm his baptism...I get it, it's awkward). I just tried to ask nicely and not place blame but let him know why I needed it. I.e., "Honey, have you had a chance to do that? I'd like to set up that meeting with the priest, since he'll need time to process the paperwork. Should I set it up up for this week or next?" That way he has some say in the timeline, but once he says "next week" that meeting is on the books!!

Sounds like you're doing what you can. Offering to help is great. Like, "Have you had a chance to get so and so's address? If you think it would help, I'd be happy to check with them myself so we can have it all together by next week. That's when I'd like to have it all done." You get the idea! Good luck!!

I find that most men are really into it or not into it at all. My husband was not into the planning of it at all. He loved the day of and thought everything was great but ZERO enthusiasm leading up to. He didn't get out and buy his outfit until 3 weeks before the wedding and didn't communicate with his best man until the weekend before! It still all turned out fine.

I just think that approaching someone who isn't interested in planning a party with Joe's approach is a good way to make them hate the process, and probably start to resent you. Not everyone wants to talk about decorations, and a lot of people don't care (it's disproportionate here b/c it's a planning website).... but really, most people don't GAF.

Know who you're marrying, you should know if they care about the planning process or not, and them not caring about the details of a party is no reflection on how much they care about you.

1. Confirm Groomsmen (he keeps changing people...why???) - that's going to happen, it's his friends maybe he is trying to wait for the right time. MY FH took like 6 months to finally ask everyone. One person he didn't ask bc he was "waiting to see if he ask me (FH)" to be in his wedding, and he didn't so FH didn't ask him. Another couple live out of town and he wanted to ask them later "once he made sure they could afford it."

2. Apply for passport - he needs to get on it. Maybe you send him the link.

3. Giving me addresses for his side of the family- here is where you go to his mom/ grandma/ closest female family member. FH's friends have literally handed out there invitations. And FH thinks that's what we should do. Just wait to we have a family function and hand them out. (mind you we live in TX our family lives in Florida and Louisiana). Who knows when we will see them and then if they will all be there are once, so I gave this task to his grandma. So maybe she will hand them out but if he doesn't care about his side of the GL I dont either. My half is covered.

My FH has been 100% involved in all decisions and planning. I don't see a wedding as just a party. It's an opportunity to see how people communicate and compromise. It involves financial decisions, family squabbles; it's a celebration of families coming together.

@joe, we did the same thing. Created a checklist, budget and seems to all work out without arguments. It was important for us to agree on the details and express what we expected from each other. So far, it's been a good beginning to the rest of our lives together.

I agree with M. I would talk to him, see what he is interested in. I knew DH wanted venues & tastings. DH did not care about certain details but I still ran them past him. I said "The girls are going to carry purple flowers, you like that?" I was happy with the grunt I got in response. He was not sure about his GM either for a long time. I wasn't going to push it. Who stands with him should be his decision he makes in his time. DH didn't get doing stuff early & it was fine with me. I think you just have to see what your FH is interested in and go from there.

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@m, I think your response to @Joe's suggestion is a little over the top. @Joe is providing a framework to have a conversation.

Perhaps the end result of a perfectly normal conversation the two have about the wedding they are both participating in will be that her FH doesn't want to participate in the planning. It may be that @Kyra's FH hasn't vocalized that he isn't interested.

But I agree with your statement that not caring about the details of a party is not a reflection of how much he cares about her.

@Kyra, I think having a conversation during which you and your FH discuss who is in charge of what is a good thing to do. Your FH may express he doesn't want ANY responsibility, or he may have some ideas, too. FH and I review our planning calendar every few weeks to determine what needs to happen and who needs to make it happen.

Nah, I just don't like Joe, because everything he said there could've been condensed two two sentences, but I think he likes to hear himself type. If you don't know if your partner would give two flying f's about catering or cake flavoring before you go through this experience, I'd rethink marrying them so quickly. That's all.

FW changed her party countless times in the last 6 months. Really and truly, I think your FH is probably just weighing out his options, to most guys honestly they don't care about it. I just put my foot down and said point blank, "Who is on your side? This is it, last call, you cannot add anyone or take anyone away."

As far as passport, try gathering the paperwork for him then he has no excuse to not get it done. Right now is coming up on busy season so he needs to do it quick. Explain that the holidays tend to add to the length of time it will take to get a passport. With FW if I give her everything she needs, I can usually get her to finish it.

When it comes to addresses, I'm with @FFW, go to a female family member. We have a small guest list and I know all of our guests well enough to ask them myself. I asked FW to do it and she was able to give me a few but the others, I just contacted them personally. He may just not know their addresses and doesn't really know how to go about asking them.

FW works on average 60 hours a week during season (mid March - early November) and she is always busy. I get irritated some times because there are things I have to do like ask FSIL for her address which took me all of 5 minutes but for FW it's harder. She tends to forget or doesn't have the time to do it.

Honestly, don't worry about being a pain in the butt. Talk to your FH, if he is dragging his feet on something, tell him that there's a deadline and if he doesn't want to make the decision then you will make X decision.

My FH is excited to marry me, but could honestly care less about the details of the wedding itself. Remember that they are two separate things, and a lack of enthusiasm for the party doesn't automatically mean he isn't excited about marrying you!

FH is stoked on cake.....and that's about it. Getting his tux is still shopping (hates.) and getting addresses is still talking to a bunch of people on the phone (double hates.) So yea, he is moving suuuuuper slowly. We've literally been waiting on addresses from 5 of his aunts for 3 weeks. I'd call them myself but they speak another language! Anyway, the point is, it seems like it's pretty normal and don't take it personally

My fiance is not a party planner. He just likes to party lol with that being said I am making all of the decisions which is fine. I like having control of it all without having to consult him first. He is a very indecisive person so that would be torture. So with that being said I think it is normal depending on the person.

I wish Joe were one of my grooms! Usually when I ask a groom a question, the response is "I don't know, ask my bride."

Go to mom/g'ma/aunt for addresses (they usually mail birthday or Christmas cards).

Ask FS to take on what interests them (food, music, transportation, honeymoon -- whatever).

I have a tip sheet for involving the less-involved half of the couple. If anyone is interested in having it, just e-mail me.