Finally a Bride...but Who's a Bridesmaid?

This is a hard one because people are so very different. I, for example, wouldn’t mind not being a bridesmaid. It’s a huge commitment both time and money wise, but would still be happy to help with anything you may need. I have other friends, however, that would be hurt if they weren’t included. If you think that she still considers you one of her best friends I think it’s likely she would be hurt to not be included. But, it’s your wedding so you should include those that mean the most to you and that you want to spend the entire day with.

I don't think it should depend on who had you in their wedding. I'm in a wedding this September for a childhood friend and I didn't ask her to be in mine next October - I have closer friends. I believe in my situation I'm the Fiona, because I was pretty surprised to be asked since we haven't seriously hung out in years so I'm sure I was an add on so their sides were even.

There's nothing wrong with having uneven sides if you don't want to ask anyone else. Personally, I feel like it's better to have only the closest to you in the bridal party because if you ask her out of obligation there's a good chance she'll be able to tell. If you think she's the type of friend who wouldn't be offended, then don't ask her. And in my opinion, if you don't know her personality enough to know if she would be offended or not, then that's your answer there that you probably shouldn't anyway.

I agree that it shouldn't be about who's wedding you were in, especially when the wedding you were in was so long ago. Friendships change over time. I wouldn't ask someone you're not currently close with to be a bridesmaid and I wouldn't worry about sides being even. My husband had 5 groomsmen and I only had 3 and it looked just fine. Whether she'll be upset or not is hard to tell because it really depends on how personally she takes everything, but if I were her, I wouldn't be offended not being included in someone's wedding.

First thing you don't have to have even sides. It is very common to have uneven sides.


Second just because you were in someone's wedding doesn't mean you are obligated to have them in yours.
If you don't feel that close anymore with her and truly don't want her in the wedding, then don't. If she asks you about why you don't have her in the wedding, tell her you know she is very busy and has a lot going on right now and you don't want to add to it.
Honestly I was in a few weddings myself and actually hated being in them. First It cost to much to be in the wedding. There is always drama. And the bride always ends up being very entitled and demanding and yes I get it, it's her day and she should have what she wants, but not by being a bridezilla. Nowadays when someone asks me to be in there wedding I always say sorry but no I just have way to much going on right now.

Please, please don't choose a certain number of people just to have even sides. Your future spouse is wrong to ask you to do that. There are countless stories on here of "bad bridesmaids" and "bridesmaid drama!" that resulted from choosing people for the wrong reasons.

If I were Fiona, I would understand, because I know that friendships wax and wane and not everyone can be included in everything. But that doesn't mean that's how Fiona would feel. If I were you, I wouldn't choose her and then just be prepared for whatever her reaction is.

The way I picked my bridesmaids was to visualize who I wanted getting ready with me the morning of my wedding--who would keep me calm and make me laugh. Who I knew I'd want included in my photos forever. Forget about being Fiona's MOH, forget about her being a busy mom—do you want her there by your side? If so, call her up and ask her, making it clear that she is under no obligation to say yes.

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This is such good advice, Kylie. I love that visualization trick and I feel that would prevent A LOT of the problems we see posted here.

If I were Fiona, I would not give a chipmunk at all about this and might even be grateful NOT to have the pressure and expense of being a bridesmaid when I'm busy with my kids and family.

You don't have to have even wedding parties. I had zero and my husband had three.

You do not have to go tit-for-tat on including people in your wedding. Of my husband's groomsmen he was the best man for his best man's wedding but not included in the wedding party of the other two.

I honestly think anyone who gets caught up in this kind of stuff is focused on the wrong things. Friendship doesn't have labels or requirements. Include the people you want to include, who are important in your life NOW, and don't worry about the rest. If your friend is going to end a friendship because you didn't ask them to be in your wedding party when you were their MOH ten years ago, then the relationship probably isn't that strong anymore anyway.

View Quoted Comment I love that approach, especially the laughing part. I've seen wedding days go in all directions and FUN is a necessity!

View Quoted Comment I agree, Kari.
Also, the fact that you used "chipmunk" must be a sign because there were two chipmunks present for our very private engagement in the mountains. Haha

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My dog is OBSESSED with chipmunks right now!

I have made it clear to my own sister I am not hurt not being a bridesmaid. You both sound like you are in different places in your life, and that she might make a great wedding guest. Maybe ask her to do a reading if you want her to feel included but not burdened with the extra costs and planning?