Financial manipulation for guest list?

Tell your parents you appreciate their offer to help out financially, but you won’t be needing it. Pay for the wedding yourselves and make the decisions you want to make.

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Ideal wedding date is 10/23 this year, I'm in 3 additional destination weddings the next 9 months, I'm a contract worker so my assignments always end after a 12-16 weeks which means timing will be a bit tricky, I have a freelance business that brings in extra cash, and FH graduates in June. And COVID; I'm pretty busy. But my FH really wanted to get married ASAP so we are trying to make the timing work. 9 months is tough for a more typical wedding, with an atypical one it's probably easier but we had almost all potential venues be booked on our date already, so I'm just assuming we're going to need to move fast to do anything besides the bare minimum of city hall and a restaurant reception.

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We are looking into doing that as a back-up plan if my parents are still not budging on things in the next couple of weeks. Not ideal, but you're right, we wouldn't be living under their thumbs when it comes to making decisions about our day.

Most planning can't be done outside of guest list until you book the venue and get the date scored away. Have you taken a look at eventective.com for outside the box venues that have more availability options? Again only work with the money you and fiance have of your own.

I’ll say this, I think you’re setting yourself for disappointment and future stress by trying to “negotiate”. Even if they do agree to something different now, you already know their true feelings on it and it’s likely they change their mind again. Do you want to have to deal with that looming over your head? This is coming from someone who’s parents contributed to the cost so I get it. I was really lucky. I’d maybe reset expectations than try to change their minds.

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OK. Good luck.

If it were me, I would graciously thank my parents for their offer, and kindly decline. I will only have one wedding, and I want it reflect what my FH and I envision. Sadly, the guest list may only be the beginning. They will want to influence decor, flowers, catering choices etc. since "they are paying." It is unfortunate that often times financial contributions related to weddings come with strings attached. It is certainly reasonable to expect to compromise on some things, but if the day is spinning into an event you don't even want, walk away.

This is extortion from your parents and completely unacceptable. It is your wedding and if you prefer a smaller, more personal affair they should honor your wishes. I would recommend considering paying for your own wedding and planning an event that you want that fits within your budget. Not knowing where you live, $20k should be more than enough to have a beautiful small wedding. If doable, I think it would be worth it to cut your parents out of the equation if you feel that they are completely compromising the vision you have for a small wedding.

We live in an area where weddings are expensive and planned an 80 person wedding with a 9-month engagement. Unless you live in an extremely pricey area like parts of California or New York City, that budget should give you plenty of leeway to plan a nice event. Plus if you were willing to give 15 seats to your parent's friends for your 80 person wedding, that means you are really only planning for 65 of your own guests, which gives you even more budgeting wiggle room, and actually makes your guest list small enough to consider non-traditional venues which may be less expensive.

Both of our parents offered to help pay for our wedding but we respectfully declined and are paying for everything ourselves. Neither of our parents are pushy or anything, but we wanted to avoid all stressors, such as your current situation, at all costs. I think your best bet will be to pay for it yourselves. Also, remember, your wedding is one day, the marriage is what's most important. So even if you don't have the wedding you originally envisioned due to budget restraints or otherwise, the important and most beautiful part is that you'll be married to the person you love most. Good luck!

If your parents are providing the venue and the money, you don't have any leverage for negotiating.


20k for an 80 person will be super tough. But doable. You can get married in a park and do a "cake and punch" reception.

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I live in a big metro city, so 20k would squeeze it tight but you're right, we should be able to make something work! 65 guests is fine with us. I think 50 guests tops is probably ok (we were actually giving them 30 seats [15 guests and +1s bc all their friends are married] to make it 80 total).

I'll start looking into planning a small-ish wedding! Thank you.

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This is along the lines of what I was thinking is doable in a big city for that kind of budget. Definitely going to look at parks! Thanks for the recommendation.

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Thank you for your words and advice - we'll see how the guest list officially shakes out and if we can get them to acquiesce to 100 people tops, but I think that once they get their guest list demands it'll spiral like you said. I also am only planning on having one wedding, so I want to make it what we want too. We shall see...I'm not hopeful but trying to be positive for my fiancé.

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Actually...I agree with you. My fiancé is hopeful but maybe it's better to rethink things. My MOH is trying to help me adapt as she said the same thing. I was told they'd have their guest list nailed down this weekend so I'll probably know after that. Thanks for the advice! I will mourn the dream wedding for a few days then try and pivot/move on.

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No, haven't looked at the site but will give it a peruse, thanks for the suggestion. Someone else mentioned resetting expectations and I think that's the way it's gotta go.

View Quoted Comment Totally mourn it! But also remember it’s your *current* dream wedding. Dreams can change. It sounds like you have a good mentality towards it! Good luck!

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Honestly 50 guests sounds lovely! Having a smaller group will definitely open up some different venue options as well. Best of luck!

To avoid this kind of drama, FH and I are paying for the wedding on our own. It’s a small wedding, but we are strictly in control of who will come

My parents and FH's parents are paying for the majority of our wedding. I could never imagine trying to force them to limit the people they want to invite. They are the ones graciously paying, so it's really not my place to deprive them of inviting their friends. I would feel incredibly guilty doing so. If your parents are paying for your wedding, of course they should be allowed to invite the guests they want! I personally don't see this as manipulation at all.

If you want to control your guest list without your parents' input, then decline their money and pay for your wedding yourself. You don't have any leverage to negotiate if you're not the one paying.

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I think there is some leverage in being a kind and gracious parent beyond monetary means. Money is gracious, yes, but if it comes at the cost of being emotionally manipulative then it's probably not worth it. We tried to compromise several times with them, including paying for parts of the wedding ourselves (we offered to pay for photographer, band, wedding dress, flowers, and makeup/hair and FMIL also offered to contribute), and we were told "to keep that money and save it for something better" because they wanted to "gift" us this experience. So it wasn't even an issue of them being gracious, it was an issue of control (and them having it). Having 3/4s of a guest list (our 36 ppl to their 100+) is about control, full-stop.

So while you may feel guilty, I would not. We offered them 15 couples first, then 25 couples, and now they are at 50+ couples. We had hoped they would consider that given the current climate of Covid and us both experiencing family losses the last year, an intimate wedding that prioritizes close connections/family/friends would be both meaningful and appropriate (though we are hopeful for everyone being vaccinated by our date).

So again, we offered to pay multiple times. Would they be paying the majority of our wedding cost in that case? Sure. But not 75%-of-the-guests-worth money.

We are going to talk to them again this weekend and see if we can work something out one last time, but if not, we will move forward with paying for everything ourselves and having something very small in our current city.