Firing a bridesmaid who is a future sis-in-law

Unless you’re paying your bridesmaids, you can’t “fire” them. This is an honor, not a job. I can definitely see how it would be hurtful to not be a part of her bridal party, however, being a bridesmaid isn’t a tit for tat thing. She doesn’t owe you that honor. If you’re going to kick her out, I would sick with using her being busy with her own wedding as the excuse and explain it the same way you did in this post, but I definitely wouldn’t expect to have a good relationship afterwards. There is no way to kick someone out of your wedding without damaging (or probably ruining) your relationship.

I promise I’m trying really hard to be understanding, but as an outsider looking in, I see at lot of resentment directed her way about things that frankly aren’t important in the long run. She and her fiancé are a couple and made their wedding date, colors, honeymoon, etc. choices together. Is your FH also “firing” him? I’m assuming no...could they have handled the communication about the date change better? Absolutely! But she is going to be your family, you’ll probably have children around the same ages who will be close friends and making a move like this now is only going to damage your relationship in the long run. In hindsight, maybe you shouldn’t have asked her, but what’s done is done. I know your mom & bridesmaid agree, but frankly they aren’t exactly unbiased. It just doesn’t seem worth it to me to explain to someone 20 years from now why you and your SIL don’t get along for all of the reasons above, some of which are kind of petty. I hope the two of you can work on building your relationship, I promise it will be worth it in the long run! ❤️

If there going to be conflicts between your wedding planning and with the sil by nature of the proximity of her wedding to yours and you feel slighted by some of her actions/choices.. take the diplomatic route and let her know you’d be fine with her not in your wedding. If you’re making it sound like a choice rather than a hard "this is what it is" that’ll determine if your relationship will remain or potentially suffer. But at least it can provide you some solace in knowing you won’t have an additional stress of an unavailable bridesmaid being in your wedding. Best of luck to you, these situations are never easy! Sending you lots of strength 💫

Very sticky situation. I agree that she doesn’t owe you a spot in her wedding but maybe she’s thinking the same thing- you’re going to be extremely busy with your own wedding. I also think she wasn’t being very considerate when choosing her date. Sometimes taking the higher road isn’t easy but you don’t want to cause a rift in the family dynamics. I would definitely ask her if she thinks taking on the responsibility & cost of being a bridesmaid would be too much during this time for her.

She has not done anything wrong, you are acting too self involved. Take a step back, and get some perspective. Her MIL to be was right, that is far enough apart , no reason they cannot marry then. When scheduling their wedding, it is not up to you to give permission, so there is no reason for them to have brought it to you. Your party is not something you should have any part in until those who volunteer to plan it decide when to hold it. It may be no one will offer, and there will not be a bachelorette. Or the hostesses may choose a date months away. More than a year out, there is no reason for anyone to plan around that date. And bridesmaids only attend if they want to, when thete is a party. Meanwhile, a wedding of a lot of people takes precedence over a bach for a dozen. As you likely learned sometime between ages 5 and 10, just because other members of your family are invited to someone's birthday party, it does not mean you will be. You have plenty on your plate then with your upcoming wedding and shower and bach within 3-4 months. You need to accept, their wedding, their choices of participants. That holds for decorating choices, menus, and anything else. Keep your choices to yourself, and when they happen to like the same things as you, shrug it off. There is no pri,e for being unique in a wedding. In fact, the way things get to be popular or trendy is by people looking around, and imitating things they like. Are you so sure she was not looking at Pinterest, or a magazine or ad or picture, when she decided her colors, or honeymoon? you are casting her as the villain, but you asked if you are being a brat, and in fact, you are sounding immature with these things. Nothing you said is even an issue. For all you know those family in Texas may go to a Texas friend's wedding that day, or one will have surgery on his toe and miss both weddings for that, and not because of the spacing of your weddings. You likely chose bridesmaids too soon, and should have waited til 9-12 months out. And you should not jave chosen somebody you were not already close to. But those are both your mistakes, not hers. It is not fair to drop her over these complaints of yours, where she really has done nothing wrong. It is up to you and FI to plan your wedding. It is 4-6 months before time to order a dress. IF she volunteers to do a shower or bach, those will not be planned for 4-5months from now. And those are the only things a bridesmaid needs to do. It is still 12 months out, Nothing a bridesmaid need to do for moths yet, but you are saying she has not done anything? What should she have done, in your view? Let things be, and keep your commitment to have her as a bridesmaid. Of she finds it too much, and sho comes to you to withdraw, be gracious. Otherwise, you really need to adjust your expectations. Just dismiss this little stuff from mind.

I don't see what she did wrong?.....

Mmmm no. To be frank, this is borderline bridezilla status. You’re saying you want her out of your wedding simply because you feel she’s overshadowing your wedding, which is really really petty in terms of reasons to kick someone out of a wedding.


I get your frustration and feeling slighted, but you’re talking about relationships and more over , family. If you kick her out, especially for a reason so wedding centric as this, I would expect to lose a relationship with them forever. You may not care as far as your relationship with her, but your future husband’s relationship with his brother would also be at stake. It’s just not worth it , especially since the only thing she seems to be doing wrong here is ....planning her own wedding. Everyone chooses dates based on what they have going on in their own lives and there’s often a lot that goes into that decision. My brother and I had weddings only 6 weeks apart, and it was fine (actually we all loved it— they got to learn from my wedding’s mistakes and ore problem solve and I got to relax and visit with some of the relatives I only saw in a blur on my wedding day, so I was grateful for the quality time after the pressure was off me!) They considered delaying by a year just because of our wedding but also realized that meant compromising on their whole future plans , which wouldn’t have been fair to them and would be so silly to do just because of my wedding! To me the fact that they asked anyone about the timeline and closeness meant that they were concerned and conscientious. Frankly it makes more sense to ask a parent because they have actual answers that are deciding factors (if it’s too much on them or the family) where your response would likely just be an emotional one (no it’s not okay bc it’s MY day isn’t a good reason)
Also it isn’t fair to put other relatives’ attendance on this girl. Presumably all the other relatives are capable of making their own decisions. They can decide to travel to one wedding, both weddings or neither and it’s up to them which weddings they choose to attend. And all will make those choices for their own reasons, which again have nothing to do with this girl but rather their own lives.
The best course of action for you is to take a step back and learn to live with them and their wedding and realize it isn’t about you, and just refocus. You’re wasting so much energy on this and there’s nothing you can do about it. I get wanting to take action, but removing her from the bridal party isn’t actually going to solve the issue here. Focus on things within your control: planning your dream wedding. Try to reset expectations for her— if she’s not giving you much, don’t expect much, and that will make her behavior easier on you.

I guess my first question would be, why on earth would they even want to set a date for 2021 right now? With everything as far as Covid happening, they would’ve been better off setting it for 2022.

Umm so I partially agree with everyone. You shouldn’t kick her out of the wedding, and she doesn’t have to have you in her wedding. She is going to be you SIL. Just don’t expect her to help you with anything with the wedding. Keep on doing you. With that said I just want to say it was my understanding that you said the family from Texas can’t come to your wedding bc they can’t travel across the country twice. So they can only attend their wedding. So I’m not gonna sit here and say like the others that she didn’t do anything wrong because sounds like she was being trifling. And women know when they are doing trifling behavior that has no consequences. Now it’s possible she found a venue that she loved and the only available date was in October 2021. However everything else seems mad trifling! Colors? Honeymoon? Sometimes we as women are just being in our feelings. But sometimes we get vibes from other women and you know. Regardless take the high road, show her nothing but support and kindness.

I also have had SIL issues so I can relate In a way previous posters cannot. Based on my own experience with SIL drama there is probably a lot more going on than we know. Unlike others I don’t think you’re totally unreasonable in how you’re feeling. What they did was super inconsiderate, not only to you but also your future family who now have two events to presumably take off work and travel for and I would be upset too.


Unfortunately I don’t think there’s really anything you can do if they’ve already booked their venues/vendors but personally I would let her know how you feel and not have any expectations about the outcome. If you don’t talk to her your resentment will only grow and you’re going to be family so it’s best to get your feelings in the open so you can move on with plenty of time before the big days so you two can feel happy about celebrating each other.

She didn't do anything wrong She chose a date close to yours but not the exact date. every bride gets one day not a month or week just one day. She chose the same colors as you no one owns colors maybe she will have white roses and you can have cream roses no one is going to remember your colors, I would not fire her from being a bridesmaid by doing so you are gonna ruin relationships and potentially have your inlaws not like you

have her be in the wedding she didn't do anything wrong and you don't ask a person to step down so you can find another person this isn't how any of this works, she has no obligation to ask you to be in her wedding, everyone has their own bridal party. if it bothers you about the colors switch them there are many shades of purple and red and blue.

I am sorry that you are upset about this situation, however, your FSIL really has not done anything wrong. There are 365 days in a year up for grabs and she and her FH can plan their wedding for anyone of them. Now if she chose the same wedding date as you, I can see being upset. As far as her not asking you to be a part of her wedding party... she does not have to. Just like you did not have to ask her to be a part of yours. If you are willing to cause a lot of issues between not only you and her, but you and your new in-laws, then use your "busy planning your wedding" excuse and resend the bridesmaid offer. Otherwise, I would suck it up and play nice.

You can't fire her, she does not work for you. Kicking her out will have long term bad feelings, all directed at you. She did nothing wrong, please take a breath and exhale. As for not being in the wedding.....again, take and deep breath and say thank you. Dodged a financial bullet there!

If you are talking about this with others, please stop. You picked, in my opinion, bridesmaids too soon and now it is coming home to roost.

Ok so unpopular opinion here but the FSIL and best man SAID they were doing spring ‘22 so that they could respectively give OP Their moment. So where is their moment now?


She did do a 180. Booked just before you (this certainly is creating an issue for out of town family to choose between you and her because most cannot go to both which can be very upsetting), then does your colors too. I’d be irked as well. The bridesmaid stuff is crap though. She doesn’t have to pick you back.
That being said you can not fire people they aren’t employees. I get being upset but simply run the idea by her that since her wedding is sooner you should give her time to plan for hers and she doesn’t have to be in yours. Chin up, she can not take away the fact that you are marrying the love of your life no matter what. That is the bottom line and that is the principle. Everything else is yes annoying, but trivial. Be the better person.

Not directly answering your question but I just want to remind you that you are feeling these things while under the stress of wedding planning! And on the day of, I promise it won't matter to you that those relations from Texas aren't there or that you were just at SIL's wedding. You will be so wrapped up in happiness over your own wedding day (and the end of wedding planning)!

My own opinion is that you should remind yourself you don't know all the details of their wedding planning process, and work within your own heart to forgive them for stepping on your toes. But yes in the future, proceed with caution when making plans with this couple because it seems like they're a bit wishy-washy!

I am always amazed in stories like this that the OP never seems to give a second of thought to the fact that this other bride has a family and friends of her own, and to have some important people of her own present, and not schedule on conflicting dates of her friends' and family's, the only time in which she could do it in 6 months or more was when she chose?