Firing a Bridesmaid

I can't really give any advice without knowing details, but this is pretty much what you will hear.

You cannot "fire" a bridesmaid/MOH. They are not paid positions and they are not required to work for you.

Be prepared for the friendship to end. If you are ok with that, then there is no way to sugar coat it. You rip the band-aid off and walk away.

Why do you want to fire them?

If you do fire them, prepare for your relationship/friendship with that person to be completely over.

She's not your employee. If that's how you view her (and the rest of your bridal party), I can understand why there may be some friction. But, without details, it's really difficult to offer any insight on the best way to address the situation.

I know you didn't mean it to sound like she is your employee If whatever is going on is bad enough to remove her from that position, then do it. No sense in being unhappy or uncomfortable on your day!

View Quoted Comment I obviously know she isn’t working for me.

View Quoted Comment I don’t view her an address employee. I’m not sure why everyone is assuming I do, I just didn’t know how to word it properly.

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

Really hard to give advice when we don’t know what happened.
No matter what though, removing someone from your bridal party will more than likely result in extremely hurt feelings and a high chance of not having a friendship with this person.
You’re basically telling someone that months ago they were important enough to be a bridesmaid, but now you changed your mind and they’re not important anymore. If you’re ok with potentially losing your friend, then go for it.

View Quoted Comment I haven’t posted more details bc it’s a lot. We’ve been friends for almost 10 years. She always says she’ll do things and backs out at the last minute. With my wedding, I thought this once she would step up like she said she would. She didn’t come to shower yesterday and didn’t tell me until it was starting that she wasn’t. She probably isn’t going to be at Bach and I’m afraid she won’t show up to the wedding or get her dress altered in time. It’s stressing me out bc she also doesn’t respond to group texts and is barely involved.

View Quoted Comment I understand being stressed out over this, so here’s my advice. Decide if you still want to be friends with her. Is this the cherry on top after a decade of her unable to keep her promises? If this is were a one time thing, I’d say give her some slack since it’s not required for bridesmaids to make it to pre-wedding events.
If you’re just tired of someone not showing up for you, ever, and just don’t see the point of continuing the friendship then ask her to step down.
If you want to stay friends though, then don’t ask her to step down. Talk to her about your feelings, and especially that you worry she won’t make it on the wedding day. Do this face to face if possible as tone by text is easily misconstrued.

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Sounds like your expectations (that your wedding would change her personality from flaky to dependable) were unreasonable from the start. I definitely understand being annoyed by a flaky friend, but you can't change people. Either you accept her as she is, or you kick her out of your wedding and end the friendship.

Only you can decide if the friendship is worth keeping, but if she has good qualities that you appreciate, I would try to remember that your wedding is only one day and this is a friendship has lasted a decade and could go on for many years.

View Quoted Comment I think the main question you need to ask yourself here is “Am I ready to end this friendship?” If you are, then I would not hesitate to remove her from your wedding party. If the answer is no, then I would allow her to remain a bridesmaid. It sounds as though this friend has a long history of being flakey and unreliable; which means you knew this about her when you asked her to stand in your wedding. It also means you knowingly took on that risk. If you do not want to end the friendship, I would move forward with realistic expectations. She may not show up to your bachelorette party?- oh well, you will just have a great time without her! She may not get her dress altered in time? Oh well, she is the one that has to wear it if it doesn’t look good on her 🤷🏼‍♀️ Don’t continue to stress about her. Your wedding will be wonderful, regardless of what she does… unless you allow yourself to ruin your own good time by putting unnecessary importance on this person.

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So she's always been a flake, and you expected her to not be a flake for your wedding, and now you're upset that she's being the flake that you knew she was from the start?

I don't blow smoke up skirts: this friend has shown you exactly who she is for the duration of your friendship, and you hoped she would be different for your wedding. That was your bad.

I can tell you from experience that stressing over what others do is unhelpful. We had a groomsman not show up the day of the wedding because he "forgot to ask off work," and a bridesmaid who was getting her dress altered literally the morning of the wedding because she never bothered to get it done. So what? My husband never spoke to the groomsman again and he was not missed, and the bridesmaid paid out the wazoo for her alterations. I had stressed about the alterations for two weeks before the wedding, and it ultimately made zero difference - it didn't make her get the alterations. So stop stressing. It doesn't change behaviors or solve any problem for you.

While I don't think the friendship automatically ends the second you ask someone to step down, I do think you risk hurting your friend's feelings, and I think even if you remain friends, you will no longer be close or as close as you currently are. You have to ask yourself if that's worth it. And don't feel bad about whatever the answer to that is. I have many friends who, for my own wellbeing, were put at an arm's length. If she always flakes out on you, then she isn't really there for you the way she should be - so maybe she shouldn't be as close as she is in the first place.

Your MOH is only expected to get the dress and stand next to and pose for photos. She was clearly important enough to ask into your wedding party in the first place, what has changed? None of what you've described is a dealbreaker for this. If you "fire" her, it will likely ruin the friendship and make you look not great.

She doesn't need to attend pre-wedding events and doesn't have to be "involved".

She's not going to change her nature just because you're getting married.

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I was in the same boat with my former MOH. I mean down to the tee of not showing up to showers, not interested in planning bachelorette, had not even bought her dress yet. The friendship ended but it was for the best and now I don't have to worry about my MOH not showing up on wedding day. If you have thoughts about it, do it.

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But your friendship with her is over. I mean, doesn't that make you sad? Over what? Dresses and expectations and parties? Doesn't seem worth it to me, and she was under no obligation to throw you a bachelorette.

I would turn it around, offer her an out, and see if she bites. Ask if all is well. Tell her you noticed that are many events she can't attend, may not have her dress yet, and ask what's wrong. Problems at work? Stressed about Covid? Would dropping out help? Let her know you would totally understand, and see what she says.

If you don't think that will work, then just address your concerns and tell her you need her to at least get her dress altered. If that upsets her, or she can't for some reason, then "fire" her.

I’m late. But have you considered just having an open heart to heart? Ask her if she wants to be a maid of honor or if it’s too much with what she’s got going on. Give her the opportunity to talk about it and give you her side. She may have other things going on in her life or might feel overwhelmed by the responsibility or didn’t know what she was getting into. Maid of honor is supposed to plan a bachelorette party and wedding shower and I’ve definitely had to help and nudge mine along the way because shes also an adult in college with rent to pay a job to work and responsibilities of her own. If you feel like she needs to do more, be assertive about what you need from her. Be gentle if you’re asking her if she needs to step down or if she is prepared to be with maid of honor. Don’t make it about being a bad friend, come from a place of understanding. Healthy relationships can handle discussions like these

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Nope, the MOH is not obligated to throw parties. The shower and bachelorette can be planned by anyone. MOH is for you to honour the nearest and dearest in your life.

View Quoted Comment Yeah anyone can throw it. But my point is that you need to ask For what you want and not come from a place of so much anger and assumptions.