First married argument- how was it for you?

@Kris - I think it's normal to feel young and like you have no idea what you're doing. I have heard LOTS of new parents recently talking about how they had kids and realized that their parents, who they always thought had it all figured out, had no idea either!

For me, I think it comes from growing up thinking of marriage as what makes you an adult. I am 31 year old and I honestly didn't ever truly feel like an adult until last year when we got engaged. I mean, I've always been independant and have had a full-time office job with benefits and lived on my own since I was 20 but I feel like now that I'm getting married, NOW my adult life is starting. It was then that I realized that all my life, I viewed getting married and starting a family as the starting point of adulthood. So when FH and I talk about serious stuff like raising kids or 401Ks, I totally feel like a kid who has to consult my mom and dad first!

FH and I rarely fight, in fact I cant even remember the last time. Usually its not even a fight because when Im pissed I stew and give the silent treatment. I either go to our room and avoid him or sleep on the couch and plenty of times Ive contemplated running but never follow through. By the next day one of us will break the silence and by then Im calm and the whole thing seems silly. I dont like conflict and when men raise their voice at me I cry. My ex was verbally.and emotionally abusive and used to lock me in a room and scream at me and I think thats why I handle arguments and conflict the way I do.

I think our first married argument will be tough because you cant just leave or avoid things.

LOL Carole! I can only imagine the scene!

I read somewhere that Eastern European languages have the widest range of curse words. I learned a few and oh boy... That IS creative! I'm still learning :-)

In general I don't threaten, especially not with leaving, and try to stay in the above-the-belt-area :-) But part of my graduate training is conflict resolution so you would think I should be able to handle it.

I do catch myself doing sneaky guilt trips though when I'm really angry. That's no bueno. I think that goes into the mean category. Why Kris, are you being mean to poor H?

Our first argument after marriage, NotFroofy threw her ring at me. I was totally devastated, interpreting this as an indication that she didn't want to be married to me. But we made it through that, and she's never done it again. I think she saw how horrified I was.

Trista, I am so sorry you went through that kind of abuse. It sucks when our baggage follows us. Does your FH know of your abuse? If so, that may help.

Mrs. S, I want to learn an Eastern European language! Seriously, no matter how many courses I have taken or how often I have sat on the therapists' chairs, all those lessons on "talking" go right out the window when we "have issues".

Tami P, While we go to separate rooms, I still hate when he walks away. I want to do it first. I hate the silent treatment even more. We fight it out because we don't like to go to bed angry. : )

Silent treatment is the worst. I have a close friend who is Croatian and she taught me a few things. So now I "speak" Croatian when things get really bad lol! It's cleansing and H doesn't really know what I'm talking about.

@2nd, that must have been really horrifying!

Oh 2d, that would have broken me to bits. I was tempted to take off my ring in the beginning when we fought, but I made a vow I never, ever, ever would.

Mrs S, I just always have this inner conflict between my halo and my pitchfork. I'm really good intentioned and sensitive and I never EVER want to hurt another living creature for any reason. But at the same time I can be super direct and sarcastic and I'm just afraid I'll sharpen my teeth on H's soft spots in a way I can't take back. I even catch myself doing it on the forums sometimes, and then I feel really guilty later or question if I'm a terrible person. Oh and I'm a trained master's level therapist too. Errrrrrr. But I'm also a Gemini. So...

Okay so here's an interesting thing - I'm actually okay going to bed angry. I've never understood the point of resolving emotions before bedtime. Sometimes I need mental space to sleep on it or stay awake mulling it. We say "I love you" and take timeouts during fights though.

This thread gives me so much hope because I am also an adult with some abandonment issues. This gives me hope that every couple can get through the fights and no matter how bad they are... Not give up on the relationship.

This brought tears to my eyes. Good luck, ladies!

@ Carole, FH does know about the ex's abusive ways. He's very patient with me when I want space after an argument.

@kris, I'm the same way, and I've had FH tell me that he doesn't like how I speak to him when I'm angry. I hate that my first instinct in a fight (with anyone) is to be nasty. I try to make a real effort now to think about what I'm saying before I speak. Though now we're working on him understanding that I'm having that thought process, not ignoring him. We're working on it. : )

We've gone to bed angry too. Fights are only going to get worse when you're emotionally and physically exhausted.

We use to have knock down drag out mean horrible fights with me saying all the mean stuff and him just kind of blinking at me, and now i've realized its all kind of...well it just doesnt matter because tomorrow he could go to work and never come home and the last memory we'd have as a couple is fighting...i've kinda lost my fight.

It's actually good to sometimes go to bed angry. It gives you time to cool off, and many times things don't seem as important the next day. We also say less damaging things when we're not angry.

As far as halo and pitchfork go... I think most of us have that even if we're not Gemini lol! I do the exact same thing especially on the forums. But some things honestly deserve a little pitchfork.

Ok, I'm obviously not married yet but I am getting so much from this thread just b/c of different point of views on arguements.

I am cut throat when it comes to arguing and I have to think before I speak. Since we have gotten engaged we actually haven't fought. I think we have come to a point where little things don't matter and we really try harder to communicate.

I am curious to see how that will change once we are married. Fights when dating are definitely going to vary from fights as husband and wife.

Eeeek!

These are all such interesting and thoughtful responses.

I have to say, I feel like my marriage/relationship to H makes me a better person (or helps me at least strive to be lol.) Precisely b/c I've vowed NOT to bolt like I want to, which is the easy way I've taken out of uncomfortable situations in the past. Sticking around, keeping the ring on and figuring out how to sort my feelings in a small apartment where the only place to hide is the walk-in closet definitely makes me own up to and realize some things about myself!

I'm not married yet but I have been curious as to how our first argument will be as a married couple. Lately, ESPECIALLY these last two weeks I feel like i've been getting an emotional beating. FH has the WORST way of explaining himself and says things that are very hurtful. I'm the type of person to always think about what I say and I never aim below the belt. Whenever we get in arguments I want to hash it out or i get so upset because FH doesnt want to listen then I want to leave. That really pisses him off. Just last night we had an argument (not to mention we had a couple of drinks before) and I just ended up going to bed instead of arguing all night. In the morning I gave him a kiss and never brought up the argument. I really hope our arguments will be more constructive in the future lol.

Just wanna say, ty girls. I thought I was the only one who had thoughts of running away. I love my FH so much, but when he hurts me, I mean really hurts me, I just wanna leave. I actually start working out how I could make it on my own in my head. Once he comes back and apologizes I feel crazy for ever thinking I could leave him. The crazy part is that we have been together for 12 years, so why do I still feel so insecure?

I really think it goes back to childhood and be consistently let down

Happily Engaged, there's still one thing that is bugging me. Almost 10 months after we got married, I still think married life is a little different than engaged life. And yes, we lived together and even had joint accounts before we got married. So nothing changed in that sense.

So what's bugging me is that I still cannot verbalize what exactly is different. It's very subtle, it's not necessarily better or worse, just a tiny little bit different. Something happens when you get into the mindset that you're in it forever. I'm perfectly aware that divorce happens, but I think people break up other relationships more easily than marriages. So I also think that affects how you fight. If I were coherent, this would probably make more sense :-(