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Just Said Yes September 2019

Flaky bridesmaids

Kaeleigh, on June 11, 2019 at 1:38 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 56

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So tonight I received a message from one of my bridesmaids saying that she booked a trip the day of the rehearsal dinner and would not be back before noon the day of the wedding, we have a hair and makeup appointment scheduled at 8 am, there’s nine people including me who needs hair and makeup done. The bridesmaid in question said that I was targeting her for planning this trip, and should give her the benefit of the doubt because it slipped her mind. Am I crazy for telling her she is out of the wedding? We’re 87 days away. She knew the dates way before she booked this trip, and then told me that the rehearsal was not important and that she doesn’t need her makeup done, nor does she need to be there for pictures. How do I handle this without becoming a total bridezilla? She’s already gaslighting me and guilting me to make it seem that I’m in the wrong. I told her that I didn’t want her in the wedding if that’s how she felt and she said it was my fault.. blah blah blah. I run a pretty tight ship and remind my girls weekly of events coming up. I’m just stressed by this and I don’t know how to address the conversation after her telling me that it’s basically my fault. How should I address it or should I just cut her off completely?

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Latest activity by Fmv, on June 12, 2019 at 4:41 PM

Master December 2020
Amanda · on June 11, 2019 at 1:54 AM
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I already know ai'll be a bridezilla and I'm ok with it and my girls know too. I don't do drama and this is that so I'd say dump her if she knew all the info and it was so unimportant that it "slipped her mind" and then she blamed you and is saying this aren't important anymore like it's no biggy. Like she doesn't understand how much weddings are mentally, financially, etc.! But thats me.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kaeleigh · on June 11, 2019 at 2:00 AM
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See that’s how I’m feeling, she purchased her dress already and I’ve already paid a deposit for everyone’s hair and makeup. She was even added to several google calendar events and an iCloud event for the rehearsal and the wedding. She said that it slipped her mind. Now she’s going to everyone else in the party looking for sympathy and I’m not having it. Neither are they. This is also a bridesmaid who invited five of her friends to the wedding after I told her that they couldn’t come because of lack of seating. That was her first strike. And now this. I’m over it.
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Master December 2020
Amanda · on June 11, 2019 at 2:07 AM
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Ew, yeah no. That's too much for me haha, you may have to pay her back for the dress (her give it to you and you maybe resell) for ettiquette stand point and may be screwed for your makeup deposit but especially with you having the deposit she knew about and you paying for makeup means you want a specific look which means makeup is important!
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Savvy December 2015
Woman On The Go · on June 11, 2019 at 2:17 AM
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I don't know if you need to cut her off...Since she's going to be missing presumably the rehearsal, dinner, hair/makeup and some of the photos, she's basically saying she doesn't want to be part of the wedding party, at least not in the way you'd like her to be. It would be stressful and an inconvenience for you to have to accommodate her, and especially so if she wasn't able to make it to your location by noon the day of. I'd probably tell her it's okay if she wants to back out because it sounds like that's what she's doing, and right now that would be best for both your schedules. She can enjoy her trip, you don't have to stress about her the day of the wedding.
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Savvy March 2020
Dawn · on June 11, 2019 at 2:21 AM
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I say cut her out. It seems to me like your wedding and all that comes with it, isn’t a priority. Let her take her trip, but she’s cut out. That was inconsiderate and rude of her. You are not in the wrong either.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kaeleigh · on June 11, 2019 at 2:25 AM
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That’s what I told her, I said “seeing as how you want to go to this trip, and will not be there for any of the rehearsal or will not make it to the church in time to do hair and make up I think it would be best if you were not a bridesmaid. I still want you to be there, but since you felt the need to book a trip and tell me that the rehearsal was not important, I feel that it would be best.” And then she said that I’m the bad guy for saying that. She also said that my big day wasn’t all about me and my fiancé, so I’m just kinda sitting here numb and confused. I’ve already spent so much money on everything for her (And the rest of the girls) I just wish that if she didn’t want to be in the wedding party she wouldn’t have said yes. She’s already bought her dress, And shoes. I’m just baffled honestly.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kaeleigh · on June 11, 2019 at 2:29 AM
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I even worked with the dress shop and got all my girls a discount price on a dress basically got it half priced for them. So I’m reality she paid $60 for her dress, the shoes I bought and designed myself. And it doesn’t help that she’s in a group chat with my bridesmaids knowing this information. I keep them updated often about everything.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
Kaeleigh · on June 11, 2019 at 2:33 AM
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That’s what my maid of honor said. I, at first, sat and told her that she could figure it out and get it worked out, but the more I sat there and reread what she said the more I was like “no that’s not fair, we’re 87 days away from the wedding. She knew better,” and now I’m the bad guy in her eyes because I told her she was out of the wedding if she couldn’t show up to the wedding on time, which I think is the MOST important thing to do you know, SHOW UP ON TIME.
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Super July 2021
Alycia · on June 11, 2019 at 3:07 AM
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“Your wedding day is not all about you”? Then who on earth is it about??? I’d gladly pay the $60 and take the dress from her just to not have to have her negativity in my bridal suite on the day of my wedding. You won’t miss the $60 if you cut her. You will regret the stress and negative vibes if you keep her in the wedding.
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Dedicated April 2020
Katelyn · on June 11, 2019 at 3:28 AM
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I would definitely kick her out. My feelings would be so hurt if my bridesmaids did that to me. They should be available the day of your wedding. You aren’t gonna want to have to stress about her making it in time when you have enough of your plate. Inviting friends who you didn’t invite? Oh heck no! She is so out of line. I told my bridesmaids unless they are full on dating someone for a long period of time they can’t bring a plus one so I would be furious if I were you. Lol I’m so sorry!
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Super September 2020
Naikesha · on June 11, 2019 at 3:59 AM
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I'm sorry I'm not really sure she's your friend and definitely don't deserve to standby your side on your special day! Your wedding should be about you and you FH, she's selfish to blame you and to tell you the rehearsal isn't important. And that she would be late knowing you made a deposit for hair and make-up. It's as if her being in your wedding is a favor to you as oppose to a true friend who is happy to be apart of your special day. I agree give her the $60 it's not worth the stress and don't beat yourself up! celebrate your special day with those who love and respect you!
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Dedicated May 2022
Stephanie · on June 11, 2019 at 4:17 AM
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Bottom line is your not wrong. What she did, as a bridesmaid and as a friend is just horrible and wrong. There was NO need for her to book this trip except for she didnt care and did what she wanted to do.

Your not a bridezilla for kicking her out because shes basically abandoning you on your wedding day. She clearly does not view you and your relationship as something valuable and important to her.

Let her gaslit, let her be mad, it doesnt change the fact that she screwed you over and doesn't like that her actions have consequences.
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Super August 2019
Samantha · on June 11, 2019 at 5:52 AM
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I’m having this same issue but with my MOH. So I definitely know how you feel. I’d say let her know she’s out of the wedding party but you’d still like her to be at the wedding. She obviously has other life priorities which is no excuse and sucks, if she wanted to be a bridesmaid she should have started by being a better friend.
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Super October 2019
Andrea · on June 11, 2019 at 6:34 AM
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I’m not one for dropping members of the wedding party, but she’s got to go.
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Devoted September 2021
Brandi · on June 11, 2019 at 7:16 AM
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The trip is strike 1. Making you feel guilty for standing up for yourself is strike 2 inviting her friends to your wedding =3 strikes your out. Not sorry. Good luck!
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Dedicated November 2019
Stephanie · on June 11, 2019 at 7:44 AM
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I would not only kick her out, I would un-invite her! Her and her little friends don’t get to come eat your food and taunt you with their presence on YOUR special day.
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Expert September 2019
Jordan · on June 11, 2019 at 7:48 AM
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I’m normally really lenient about bridesmaids but I’m with you on this one. If your wedding isn’t important to her she can attend as a guest or not at all. Do you have someone who you can call in as a backup? Would you be okay with an uneven number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?
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Beginner February 2020
Kenia · on June 11, 2019 at 7:51 AM
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I think if she feels your wedding is no biggy aka not important then she shouldnt be for you either, you shouldnt have to pay her back anything either since its not your fault it slipped her mind, she is definitely not a true friend and is not concerned about your feelings either, good luck and congrats on your wedding
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Dedicated June 2019
Ashley · on June 11, 2019 at 7:55 AM
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If she doesn't think attending the rehearsal dinner, getting ready with you, or being in the pictures is important, then I say that she made her decision already. Ask her if she wants to back out and tell her that you think that is what's best. Your bridesmaids shouldn't have to be reminded constantly for dates and times and it sounds like you've already done a great job of that so this is on her.
I let go of a bridesmaid (my brother's now ex-fiance) due to them having issues and honestly, my wedding day was absolutely perfect with the girls that I had by my side and not one of them made me feel like I inconvenienced them like she did.
I hope this all works out for you and congratulations!
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Super September 2018
Rachel · on June 11, 2019 at 8:06 AM
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To play devils advocate, your wedding is the weekend after Labor Day. A lot of people do travel that week. I do think this reflects poorly on her and on your friendship together, she’s a VIP and would have known the day in advance and should be planning around your wedding. If she fessed up and felt remorse, perhaps you guys can maintain the relationship and work this out. If you’ve explained that all the things she’d be missing are actually important to you (perhaps she’s never been in a wedding or perhaps only in very laid back casual weddings) and she still doesn’t feel remorse or try to adjust her plans then your can offer her to step back and attend as a guest (or not at all), just know this will probably have an impact on your friendship.
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Flaky bridesmaids

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