Flaky Friend

I don’t have advice, but i will say that for my first wedding, the one person I was absolutely convinced wouldn’t show up (never showed up for our hang outs, never called when they said they would etc) was there before my ex spouse’s family showed up. I was shocked. Even though she RSVP’d yes,I was so amazed that she actually showed up so I understand that situation you’re in. I’m so sorry I don’t have advice for you.

The risk you run with not telling this friend is her accidentally finding out that your wedding was not so small as you made out to be, and inadvertently finding out that she’s been snubbed. If it were me, I would discuss it with her and give her an ultimatum – explain to her that you really want her to be there but that her past behaviour has caused you some concern that she won’t show up, and that she needs to make a decision as to whether or not she would prefer to not be invited or if she will wholeheartedly commit to the RSVP she gives.

I think it comes down to if you really want her there. If you do really want her there, I would invite her but tell her how important it is that she shows up and explain why (i.e. other people miss out on the opportunity).

If you truly don't trust her or don't think her attendance is 100% necessary, then I wouldn't invite her. However, I wouldn't lie about the size. Tell her the truth - you had a very tight guestlist! That's a perfectly good reason.

If she regularly does this, I feel like she should know that she is flaky. So perhaps talking to her is a good option. Don't dance around it. You have a legitimate concern - you have not invited family to make room for her, so she needs to show up, or she needs to tell you now that she won't show up so you can give those invites to other people who will. Make it clear that accepting the invite and then not showing up could be a friendship-ending move on her part. This isn't a "oh, haha, Mary is just being flaky ol' Mary again!" This is your wedding, and if she disrespects you by RSVPing and then no-showing, she can consider herself a distant friend moving forward.

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I agree with this!

If she is a good friend, you could seriously offend her, or even damage/end the friendship, if you don't invite her. I would have a chat, let her know that this is serious, and isn't some random party or lunch or a night on the town, this is a wedding. Tell her RSVP is important, and if she RSVPs yes she turns up, unless she has an actual emergency.

It is always possible to have guests who RSVP "yes" and then no show, sometimes without any explanation. It unfortunately happens more often than you may think. So even though your friend is flighty this could happen for any of your guests.

What is the reason for limiting/capping your guests at the max number you have in mind - venue space requirements, Covid restrictions, budget, or something else? How many guests are you having in total? If your max number is something self selected and you are having a big wedding anyway, maybe consider flexibility in adding two more to the list. Two guests no showing is a big deal at an intimate wedding, but if you have 100+ people you have to anticipate that people will no show and you are unlikely to notice having 98 people instead of 100 in attendance. Would you be more upset not inviting her or inviting her and having her no show? In a similar situation I think I would be more hurt by a guest no showing, but more frustrated with myself if I didn't give them the chance.

Either way, I think its worth having a conversation with her about it.