fmil Help

So...a few things.

MIL does sound toxic and way too entwined in her son's life. She does not treat him like an adult. I've been in that situation before, and it was not fun. Now in order to be treated like adults, y'all need to act like adults and that includes moving out. I know you've explained why you're still there, but tbh I was born and raised in CT and live here now, and although the housing market lit up this summer with everyone fleeing from NYC, for the past 5-10 years so many people were leaving you couldn't give a house away. So I would think at some point in the past 6 years you could have found a house, or one or both of y'all moved out with friends, but that's water under the bridge now. Personally I think people ought live on their own before getting married, but that's just me.

I also think that I get why you hate this woman, but from what you've said you are not being inclusive of her in the planning process. Your mom is throwing a shower where she's inviting FH's relatives and explicitly does not want FMIL's help? To me that is wrong. Your mom should either involve your FMIL in planning the shower, or not invite anyone from FH's side and leave that for your FMIL. I see people do this all the time where they exclude the groom's mom, and it always rubs me the wrong way.

NOW - if you and your FH want nothing to do with her, and DGAF what she thinks, then feel free to burn the bridge and do whatever you want/exclude her. But if y'all are planning to have a relationship then I think you need to at least try to throw her a bone here and there because this is what/who you're getting for the rest of your life.

So in my experience (as an only child marrying a "middle of 3") the groom's parents tend to defer to the bride's parents since the (IMO outdated, gendered) expectation is that the bride's family plans and takes care of the wedding. Of course my parents, knowing me, and being unfamiliar with weddings, deferred to me and what I wanted so no one really took the lead on anything. If you want to include your FMIL then you'll have to initiate that.

Parties are usually a good way to do this, since they are events that someone else hosts anyway, so if your FMIL picks out something you don't like you aren't in an awkward position of shooting down her ideas.

I went shopping with my FMIL for her dress. You could bring her along to tastings, a venue tour is a good idea, show her the photographer options you have and ask her thoughts, etc. If you're DIYing anything you could enlist her to help with that.

Where is your FI in all this? Perhaps he could have a heart to heart with his mom about wanting her to be involved, and perhaps she could throw an engagement party or a shower or something?

THANK YOU!! I feel like everyone only read one part of my post, when I was literally asking for help on how to include someone who demands to be included but does nothing to include herself/ there's nothing that needs to be done, especially right now so early in our planning.

We have agreed if we don't have a house or are closing on a house by June we will get a short term lease on an apartment, but we are REALLY hoping to avoid that, my boyfriend has snowmobiles and works on them on the side and needs a garage to do that in to bring in extra money and we cannot do that in an apartment but we have come to the mutual decision for both or our mental health regardless of if we have a house or not we will be out of his parents come June. We have worked so hard to save our money while paying down our debts to get into a house that I would hate to have to "waste" money on renting an apartment.

Thanks for the advice! This was my first forum post and now I'm scared to do another lol