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Savvy January 2022

fmil problems

Jackie, on July 12, 2021 at 6:15 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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FMIL is driving me insane. This wedding has been relatively stress-free aside from her antics and I’m at the end of my rope here with 6 months to go until the wedding.

Some backstory: I took my mom and FMIL to a bridal shop to find their mother’s gowns a few weeks ago. I didn’t tell them what to wear, only that I wanted them to be comfortable and I gave some color options that go with our wedding colors. My mom had no problem and chose a dress that matches our color theme well. FMIL chose a dress color that totally clashes our wedding colors…and I decided to let it to. It’s her money and her dress and I’m not here be a dictator about what anyone is wearing. The reason she chose this particular color was because she wants my FH to wear it also, so they can “match”. She has had a total obsession with matching with my FH from the begging. And again, I decided to let it go and be an issue between herself and FH. Shortly after FMIL bought her boldly colored dress, she started trying to dictate what her side of the family should be wearing. She had it in her mind that not only should FH match her, so should all of her sons, husband and grandson so all the men in her family essentially. I had to put my foot down and say no. The color she chose is NOT one of our wedding colors, so why would we have his entire side of the family show up wearing that color? Lol so stupid. Fast forward a few weeks, she confronted my FH and I at our engagement party and asked us (me) through gritted teeth “why the hell” we would let her choose a dress that doesn’t match, like I didn’t give her color suggestions and like she didn’t insist on buying it! She has a new appointment later this month for a new dress. This time she has invited SIL (who she trash talks constantly) and her friend along (she excluded my mother this time!) so now she gets her very own appointment and everyone can watch her try on dresses and she gets to be the center of attention. I don’t even want to go…nor do I want her involved in any of the planning from here on out. I feel like FH is in a difficult spot as this is his mom…but I just can’t stand her behavior.

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Katie, on July 12, 2021 at 1:25 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on July 12, 2021 at 6:39 AM
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I would just not go. “Sorry I can’t make that day work but I’m sure you’ll choose something great.” I don’t play games with people and setting boundaries is important, especially since it sounds like this isn’t new behavior for your FMIL. Also, while it may be hard for your FH because that’s his mom, you’re going to be his wife so he needs to be prepared to put his foot down with his mom if necessary. If he’s not, you have an FH problem just as much as you have a FMIL problem.
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Devoted August 2021
Sylvana · on July 12, 2021 at 6:49 AM
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Your FMIL decided she needed another dress. You did not make that decision for her just like you didn't make her initial dress choice. She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Therefore it is not necessary nor is it an obligation that you attend. I would tell her that I'm busy doing wedding stuff and cannot attend. Just like the PP mentioned, I'd tell her that you're sure you'll love her choice.
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Super August 2021
Sarah · on July 12, 2021 at 6:51 AM
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Totally agree with this.
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Savvy January 2022
Jackie · on July 12, 2021 at 7:12 AM
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Thank you, I think I’m going to take your advice and just not go. I was thinking not going…or just take my mother anyway so she can’t gang up on me or make passive aggressive comments. FH and I have talked about her and her boundary issues and thankfully he agrees and knows how she is. I just feel bad he has to be in the middle
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Savvy January 2022
Jackie · on July 12, 2021 at 7:16 AM
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Thank you! I have been feeling like this is my fault for not being more forceful about the color of the dress or for not being more “bridezilla” and insisting that this is my wedding and that my say is final. I’m a more passive personality and I take too much responsibility for other people’s actions and I think she takes advantage. But you are totally right, this was her doing entirely
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Devoted August 2021
Sylvana · on July 12, 2021 at 7:22 AM
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Right, she brought it on herself. Additionally, I agree with the other posters. Your soon to be husband needs to set boundaries here. If he doesn't begin setting boundaries soon, I worry it will get worse as the years and milestones pass. This is just your wedding and this is her behavior. How will she act if you decide to have kids? He needs to stand up to her for you, for himself, and for your marriage. Of course I do not know your relationship. Perhaps he does stand up to her and this was a one off situation. But if this is normal behavior for her, I would absolutely speak with your fiance and explain how you're feeling.
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Super July 2020
Cool · on July 12, 2021 at 8:42 AM
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I’ve never heard of moms going bridal dress shopping like you did with them since usually moms will just wear whatever they like. While it’s definitely weird, you also really can’t dictate what her husband and sons wear also - if she wants to try to make them wear a certain color then let her. I’d like to think they wouldn’t just let their mom tell them how to dress. I would not attend the next dress shopping with her and whatever she picks, she picks.
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Savvy January 2022
Jackie · on July 12, 2021 at 11:52 AM
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They wanted to get dresses that matched our color theme lol so that’s why we all went together. But I agree most people don’t usually go together. I don’t mind the color she initially chose but I do think it’s inappropriate of her to try to have others match her… it isn’t her wedding and these people are my FHs family so they will be in our photos and I think it would be strange to have them all matching in a color that isn’t part of our colors at all. Thank you for your feedback though, I probably will not attend her appointment
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Expert December 2021
Samantha · on July 12, 2021 at 12:33 PM
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Don't go and gracefully decline any further "help" she tries to give you. It seems like she's trying to make the wedding about her and it's putting you and your fiance in a tight spot. Just remember that you'll be marrying into the family, that includes your future MIL. Tread carefully but sharpen your claws if need be for later.
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Super October 2022
Jessi · on July 12, 2021 at 12:45 PM
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While I totally get your frustration, it sounds like she's fixing your original problem herself. I don't think anything is wrong with her having a fun shopping day with people she has picked out. It's her dress to wear, she wants help and opinions and she's probably not close to your mom so why would she invite her? If you don't want to go then don't, I don't think there's anything wrong at all with declining. If you're super worried about the color she chooses and you're close with your SIL then maybe tell her which color to steer your MIL towards.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on July 12, 2021 at 12:57 PM
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This, 110%.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on July 12, 2021 at 1:25 PM
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I agree with this, I'd tell her I can't make it. And I'd talk to fh about putting his foot down with her. She is making things more difficult than they need to be, just because she likes to throw a wrench in to everything. If you guys just let her antics go, it will be a never ending problem through out your life with her. He needs to step up as your husband and set her straight.
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