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Beginner June 2018

Friend flakes on bachelorette party

Swede987, on December 27, 2017 at 9:36 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 42

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I informed my friends & bridesmaids 5months ago that I would like to go on a destination bachelorette party, which will take place in 4 months. They only have to pay for airfare and a few meals. Lodging was covered by my mom as well as some groceries. So 9 months of a heads up. Just got all of the details together and a bunch of people backed out. Now only 2 can go. What’s upsetting is I just stood up in one of the girl’s wedding where I dropped over $1k, which I think is expected. The bm dress was super expensive & we weren’t consulted on what we could afford at all & now I’m being told by that bride that she can’t afford to go to my bachelorette party. My bm dress was under $100 and I know for a fact that she’s constantly flying places for leisure. I’m pretty sure she’s saving for her honeymoon and a house. Am I allowed to be mad? I feel like now that I’ve dropped all this money to be in her dream wedding She can’t be bothered to spend money to stand up in mine. Also a few other girls that I thought would be able to go, given their constant traveling, can’t come. Am I just being selfish?

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42 Comments

Latest activity by The Nuptials, on December 31, 2017 at 4:18 PM

Master May 2018
Forestwed · on December 27, 2017 at 9:41 PM
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That’s a lot to ask. There’s a big difference between a bachelorette party vs bachelorette weekend. Travel and expenses do add up fast. Why were you involved in planning it? It should have just been the BP
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Champion June 2018
muriel · on December 27, 2017 at 9:42 PM
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A bit selfish and a lot thoughtless. You don't organize your own bachelorette, especially one that involves significant expenses for travel. It's more than likely that the friend who is a recent bride can't afford your plans. She just had a wedding, remember? You also said she is saving for a honeymoon and a house.
I wouldn't attend any out of town bachelorette. You can have a good time in your own home town for a lot less.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 9:44 PM
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I didn’t organize it. I told the bm in charge where I wanted to go and I told her that since I wanted to go somewhere out of state that we should let people know now so they can plan.
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Dedicated January 2018
Melissa · on December 27, 2017 at 9:46 PM
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You have no right to be mad. You don't tell people that you want a trip. And that "all they need to pay for is air and some meals". If any of my friends demanded I take a vacation of their choice and got upset I said no that would be the end of that.

Dont plan your own party. Let them plan what they can afford (if they want to).
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VIP May 2017
The Bride · on December 27, 2017 at 9:47 PM
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Sorry, but to answer your own question you do not get to be mad. There was no need for a destination bachelorette party. There is no set expectation to spend $1000 as a bridesmaid, and just because she didn't consult you on what you could afford doesn't mean you get to turn around and do the same.
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Expert October 2017
Joanna · on December 27, 2017 at 9:50 PM
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Where do I even begin???

First, you should not have planned your own bachelorette party. Especially one so elaborate.

Second, just because people spend money on leisure travel, does not mean they have to spend money to travel for your party.

Third, if this other friend of yours is also planning what sounds like a fairly pricey wedding herself, you can't really be all that surprised that she can't invest much financially into your prewedding events.

Fourth, if the expenses of being in that friends wedding were so bothersome, you should have said something. Complaining about it now and expectin tit-for-tat is not going to get you anywhere.
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Master August 2018
Nemo · on December 27, 2017 at 9:50 PM
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1. You don’t get to tell other people what they do with their money. They get to use their money for whatever they want to use it for, which includes frivolous vacations, because it’s THEIR money.
2. Your bachelorette party is not more important than a house, that’s insane.
3. Yes, you’re being incredibly selfish.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:01 PM
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I should have said something then. You are definitely right. I talked to my fiancé during that time and he just assured me that they’re our friends and they will do the same for us. It’s their dream wedding and we should be grateful they asked us to be a part of it. I’ve spent many hours thinking how I could make the costs of my bm’s low because I know how expensive it is to stand up in a wedding. I also knew that a ton of the girls I invited wouldn’t be able to go because a destinatatik. Bachelorette part IS A HUGE ASK. I get that. After having spoken to a few of the girls I mentioned (travelers) and they said they were excited to go I was bummed when they backed out. I was most upset with the girl who just got married because like my fiancé said they are our friends and when it’s our turn they will do the same and join in the same festivities.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:02 PM
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I’m sure my post came off as me being a horrible person. I’m just trying to vent and see if anyone else had a similar situation and see how they dealt with it. I didn’t plan my own party. I was asked what I wanted to do and I told them. I went in with low expectations, please see response above for some more explanation.
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Dedicated March 2023
Catherine · on December 27, 2017 at 10:04 PM
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Yes. You’re being incredibly selfish. Not everyone has money to drop in airfare, even nine months out. You don’t get to be mad because they don’t/ can’t afford to drop their lives for a whole weekend and spend thousands on you.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:07 PM
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I definitely didn’t expect anyone to put my needs before their own. I didn’t expect out of the 14 girls invited that so many would say yes. I was bummed that after they said yes they turned around and changed their minds when my other bm went to book everything. I would have rather they said at the beginning that it wasn’t in their budget. I actually told my bm that while I would like a destination Bach I was open to other ideas, but nobody said anything and a bunch of girls said they were excited. So I’m just upset and wanted to vent. I also only assumed my friend was saving for a house, not sure, but that being said if she couldn’t afford standing up in my wedding she should have just said so. I would have understood. I just don’t understand why she didn’t.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:11 PM
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I didn’t plan it. I was asked where I wanted to go and there isn’t a lot of room when you post to put all of the details. So I left out the fact that I asked my bridesmaids for alternatives if my destination bachelorette wasn’t something they could do. A bunch of girls said yes they were excited and that they could go and backed out when my other bm started booking things. I’m just venting and trying to figure out if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Also it’s not a tit for tat on standing up in friends weddings. I think I explain that in another post - but anyway definitely not expecting a lot I’m just disappointed.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:14 PM
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It wasn’t thousands or even one thousand but that’s not the point. As the original post only lets me type a little. I couldn’t fit that I was asked where I wanted to go and I told them. I also said if they had other suggestions I was open. A bunch of girls said they could go and backed out once my other bm started booking things. So I was definitely bummed. I’m just venting and trying to see if someone else was in a similar situation and how they handled it.
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Devoted August 2018
Laura · on December 27, 2017 at 10:20 PM
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You handle it by going with the girls are are going and have a great time. There is no need to address this or discuss this with the BMs who cancelled. Unless they specifically agreed to cover a cost that may now need to be paid by someone else - then the hosting bm needs to have that convo.
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Expert November 2017
BohoRN2017 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:21 PM
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Did you personally ask these women if they could travel for this bachelorette? I could see some of them not feeling comfortable giving the bride a real answer. Now if the bridesmaid who did the planning did the asking that is different.
I travel a lot but I refuse to ever spend money on an OOT bachelorette, sorry. When my sister in law got married I was honestly glad I had to work the weekend of her OOT bachelorette. It would have been very awkward to tell her no otherwise esp. if she asked me directly.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:23 PM
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Thanks for the advice! I was wondering if any brides had approached other girls who couldn’t attend the bachelorette party. I obviously found out from the girl planning everything that some girls couldn’t go or backed out at the last second. I just figured those girls would have told me personally, but is it not typical for them to have that conversation with the bride?
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Devoted August 2018
Laura · on December 27, 2017 at 10:27 PM
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I am sure at some point they will have to tell you they are not going or will be sad they will miss it. Then you graciously say you were looking forward to the time with them and they will be missed. There are a million reasons why someone may decline and they may or may not be comfortable sharing with you or sharing yet. It is hard when you go above and beyond and others don’t in return. But that is life!! And will happen time and again. Don’t let it ruin your fun.

But it as others said destination showers are a big ask for a lot of people. And as the details come together it may just not have worked for some people.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:28 PM
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When we were all together trying on the bm dress one of the girls asked what I wanted to do and I openly said I wanted a destination bach but if anyone had other ideas or suggestions I wanted to hear them. I’m pretty sure I’ve tried to be open with them about everything and trying to keep budgets in mind regarding all other aspects of the wedding. When picking the dress and everything else I picked out things that I liked and wanted but could be affordable as well. I was in school and working part time when I stood up in the last wedding and I tried to be mindful that not everyone is rolling in dough.
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Beginner June 2018
Swede987 · on December 27, 2017 at 10:29 PM
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Thank you for your response.
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