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Dedicated November 2019

Frustrated with family

Tanya, on July 3, 2019 at 7:59 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10

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Sorry for the long rant, but I am feeling frustrated and have to vent for a bit. I have been engaged for over a year now. My sister and matron of honor lives out of state. The wedding is 4 months away and she just told me she can’t afford to come with her husband and my nephews. I’ve had special roles for all of them put into the wedding. Which I shared with her. Not to mention it’s important to me to have the family around. She said it’s too much and asked me to help. I told her I can’t because we’re paying for the entire wedding ourselves. Not to mention our house is a fixer upper and money pit. I just financially can’t. She’s had over a year to save and hasn’t. Side note she makes a lot of money and has been traveling a lot lately with her family. Now I won’t have my family there for my wedding. Which really sucks. I don’t want to seem like a brat so I told her I understood and didn’t make a big deal about it. The entire time I’ve been engaged I haven’t asked much of anyone. I’ve been doing all the planning and didn’t request engagement photos, engagement party, bachelorette party whatever. All I asked for was a small bridal shower at my house. I even said I’d plan it all and pay for it all. My mom then decided to have plastic surgery right before. Which is fine I support that. The same day my sister informed me she couldn’t afford my nephews to come down, my mom told me she did not feel comfortable being around people until the wedding because she wasn’t going to be healed. So she said I shouldn’t have a bridal shower because she couldn’t be there. Again I don’t want to be a brat and I know people have lives and don’t care about my day like I do, but I feel like that’s a little rude and kind of selfish. I told her fine I understood. I still can’t help but feel a little hurt. Am I overreacting or am I justified in my feelings?

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10 Comments

Latest activity by Tanya, on July 7, 2019 at 2:00 PM

Dedicated August 2020
Lexi · on July 3, 2019 at 8:42 PM
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Your feelings are very justified! I am so sorry your going threw this. If I were in your shoes I'd be just as upset. The fact that your sister couldn't save enough to come to her own sisters wedding is horrible, I mean it is what it is but I totally understand why you'd be upset about that 😔 And as for your mom, why couldn't she wait until after your shower or wedding for that matter to get surgery. That is awful, I would be so hurt. Maybe talk to your mom and tell her your really hurt by this. Again I am so sorry your going through this, I hope it gets better soon!!! 💙
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Dedicated November 2019
Tanya · on July 3, 2019 at 8:44 PM
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Thank you! I appreciate it.
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Super October 2019
Kat_ · on July 3, 2019 at 10:51 PM
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I am so sorry you’re going through this. I can totally empathize. Unfortunately, we can’t choose our families or control how they act. The cool part though is that you’ve chosen your soulmate. Your soulmate is your family now and that is something to be deeply grateful and joyous about. I’ve been working on this a lot myself and I totally feel your pain. 💛. Maybe surround yourself with friends and “the family of your choosing”? Sending you love and light 💕
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Dedicated November 2019
Tanya · on July 3, 2019 at 10:54 PM
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You’re absolutely right. Thank you so much!
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Legend March 2017
Pirate & 60s Bride · on July 4, 2019 at 2:07 AM
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I totally get feeling hurt! Would it be worth it to ask just your sister to come to your wedding and be by your side? If you’d rather not, it’s ok. But if money is an issue I would think she could cover just her costs. And no, you don’t need to pay for it.

I’m very disappointed in her for you! This decision may have a serious consequence. I’m not sure I could get over it, and I would likely skip any future event of hers.
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on July 4, 2019 at 2:55 AM
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I can understand your disappointment. You are justified in having your feelings as they are natural to have. Try not to do a tit for tat in the future, that's petty. Be the bigger person!! Sadly, while this is an important day for you, other people's lives go on regardless of what happens in yours. Your mom could have waited but she isn't obligated to. Your sister could have saved up but most people are barely able or responsible enough to save. She has a family of her own and their needs are different than yours. You could have had a bridal shower without them but you chose not to? Not clear on that but the point is that just because mom wants to hold you back doesn't mean you can't press on. Have you asked your sister herself to just come?

We can't choose our family.. but we can manage our expectations based on the behaviour they show us. Unreliable? Unable to save? No problem, next time they won't get a big role or task. Many of us, myself included, understand the importance and need for family members' involvement on this special day but some people just can't give that to us. It's not fair but you can't let it drag you down. The wedding is about you and your future partner. Now you know some will be missing, there is time to replan the aspects that involved them. Maybe you can have a good friend be the MOH or you know another family with kids who would like to be involved in your current plan. Maybe you'll take it out altogether. GL
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Dedicated June 2020
Margaret · on July 4, 2019 at 9:25 AM
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You are SO not being a brat. Your feelings are totally valid and I empathize with you. You probably feel very alone and unsupported by the two women that should be the most excited at this time. Is it possible for your sister to come by herself, without her family? I hate to say it, but they both sound a little narcissistic and this probably isn't the first time they've let you down. I'm sure you love them, but you need to understand that their selfish behavior is all they know. Do you have a few good girlfriends? Ugh, I feel terrible. Don't question yourself or if you're overreacting, because you're not. Honestly, I would just tell them to do whatever they need to do, but let them know you're hurt by their actions. Tell them you feel hurt that you aren't being supported. That's it. There's no solution, but you really should let them know it hurt you.
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Dedicated November 2019
Tanya · on July 4, 2019 at 1:55 PM
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Thank you so much. And no this is not the first time I’ve been disappointed by them. I’m lucky I have a very supportive fh who has already offered to tell them off for me (I don’t want him to do that just yet though). I have a good group of girlfriends who will share a bridal shower with me anyways. I just wanted support and to feel this Day was important to the two women who should be most excited for me. I guess they aren’t and that says a lot. I’ll just let them know they’ve hurt me and they can do what they want with that information.
Thanks ladies!
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Super September 2020
Naikesha · on July 7, 2019 at 11:57 AM
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Sweetie go enjoy your shower. People make time for what they want . If your sister had over a year to plan and didn’t her lost that she took your sisterhood and made it an option as opposed to a priority. Your mother I’ll stay silent on because she’s your mom but vain comes to mind. Enjoy and celebrate with those who shop you! You can’t control how people are you can just control how you let it effect you and how you choose to respond but I wouldn’t let their actions dictate my special moments
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Dedicated November 2019
Tanya · on July 7, 2019 at 2:00 PM
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Thank you!
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