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June 2021

Frustrated

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Dj Tanner, on September 19, 2020 at 6:53 PM

My fiancé and I have been planning what we want to do after our wedding as far as ‘life plans’ go. We know we want to start trying to have a kid right after our wedding. We also currently rent a house, but we hope to buy a house right after the wedding. I have decent credit but my fiancé has immaculate credit, so we figured we will apply for the house loan in his name to try to get the best rates. We’ve been advised on the dos and don’ts of What to do before we apply for a house loan, One of those things is to have the same job position for at least2 years.... Well, yesterday he tells me that there is a promotion off at work he wants to pursue. I explained to him that it may delay us getting a house. He keeps telling me that it won’t affect anything because it’s a promotion and not a complete job change. I keep telling him that that’s not correct, and it will still affect him even if it’s just a promotion at the same company. I support him completely and his choices and I would never tell him that he can’t pursue any career change that he desires. He keeps saying that it’s a lot more money and we’d be better off, but we are already pretty comfortable with what we make. Is it wrong for me to be pissed off about this right now? Part of me wants to tell him no. He said that if it’s going to upset me this much then he won’t go for it, but I’m just so conflicted right now. It’s like everything is going so well and so smoothly. I just feel like he’s rocking the boat at the most critical time.

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58 Comments

Master October 2021
Sexypoodle · on September 19, 2020 at 11:49 PM
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Wonderful! Hope it all works out the way you want it.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 19, 2020 at 11:55 PM
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Lol yeah you don’t get it. But thanks anyhow.
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October 2018
FirstTimeMOB · on September 20, 2020 at 8:18 AM
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One consequence of foregoing this promotion that I have not heard put out there yet is...NOT showing the desire to move on/ahead at an early point in your career is essentially telling your employer "I'm not really interested in staying here long term".
Turning down opportunities can cause your employer to pass you over for future opportunities, and if times get tough and staff needs to be streamlined, "Well, put John Doe on the list for layoff...he didn't seem interested in moving on with us so he's a logical choice".
Not saying it will happen, but I've seen colleagues who have turned down opportunities to move ahead end up stagnant.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 20, 2020 at 8:39 AM
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I do think that you’re overreacting because it actually won’t have a negative affect on the house buying process, also kids are VERY expensive so why not?

If he’s trying to move forward in life then I think you should support that decision. I know me personally I wouldn’t tell my fiancé no if it wouldn’t be any DRASTIC changes.
I feel like you have to weigh the pros and cons because I’m sure there is both. I would think about it.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 9:09 AM
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Its a very drastic change. I don’t think him having his company phone on 24/7 and more demanding hours helps us move forward. I’m much more of a family over work/money person. I just hope he’ll be okay with sleepless nights if we have a baby.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 20, 2020 at 10:15 AM
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But wouldn’t you want him to do this first and get used to it rather then take it all on at once? With a new baby? It’s actually not a drastic change, a drastic change would be moving across the country etc.

And besides who’s to say he can’t do both? Be a family man while working more drastic hours and being on call? Just because your an on call employee doesn’t mean you’ll receive calls ALL DAY EVERYDAY . And I’m speaking from experience.
You won’t know unless it’s tried! And it seems like you’re not even open to seeing how it would work. That you already have your set answer rather then letting him try it out. From your statement it seems like it’s something he really wants to do but if it’ll make you upset he will turn it down based off of YOUR feelings.
I think it’s better for him to “rock the boat” now then do it with a newborn baby.
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on September 20, 2020 at 10:34 AM
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I cannot imagine a promotion within the company hindering a loan for a mortgage, especially for someone who has immaculate credit. It sounds like this expands well past the concern about the mortgage, however.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 11:21 AM
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I’m not telling him no as I’ve already said multiple times. We have a wedding to plan for in less than a year. My feels for concern are valid.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 11:28 AM
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There’s definitely a lot of other factors, but we’ve talked to 4 different mortgage brokers and 2 real estate agents. There’s also tons of info online that says it will effect loan rates. But regardless I just feel like the timing is not good. His hours will be way more demanding and imo its just not worth the sacrifice. We are less than a year away from our wedding. Would you be ok with seeing less of your spouse during wedding/baby/house planning?
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 20, 2020 at 11:28 AM
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Your statement actually said “part of me wants to tell him no” ... it’s fine for you to feel concern you definitely have that right.

At this point it seems like it’s more going on maybe. Because it went from possibly messing up a mortgage, to wanting a baby and him possibly working too much, to now something to do with the wedding.
Maybe you’re thinking too much or stressing from the “possibility” of it interfering with those things?
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 11:33 AM
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Right. A big part of me wants to tell him no. It also says, “I’m supporting him regardless and would never tell him he can’t pursue this.” Even though I wish I could tell him no. And yeah, mortgage rates being one of the big deals, but there’s also a lot more going on like wedding planning etc. and of course seeing less if him is not ideal either.
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Devoted October 2020
Chelsea · on September 20, 2020 at 11:51 AM
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I had just gotten a promotion 4 months before closing on my home and was in the middle of changing roles when I applied and it didn't have an impact largely because it was at the same company so I think you'll be fine there.

After reading other replies and comments, it sounds like this might also be an issue of ensuring work life balance, especially as a newly wed couple looking to expand their family relatively soon. If you all have not had a real and honest locker room huddle as I like to call it, about timelines, expectations, mortgage management and career goals, I'd recommend an ongoing one soon. If you've had these kinds of conversations but it's been a while, bring them back up as so many wants and needs evolve in marriage. Keep dating even after you're married! Be intentional with connecting with him and vice versa.. If you feel like you're losing him now, it won't be any easier with a new job, new house, and new baby. Have the conversations now and keep them going. All the best to you!!
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 12:13 PM
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Thank you for this. Yeah we’ve talked about all of this. I love how open I can be with him and I love how attached at the hip we are. He’s aware of all of my concerns. Even just now he said “Pookarina(what he calls me), please don’t talk too much trash about me on wedding wire.”Pfftt haha! I said don’t worry everyone’s on your side anyways. 🙄 lol. I don’t know I just have to focus on the positives and try to work through the challenges that come along with it I guess. I hate last minute change. I wish I could just say yeah everyone’s right and I’m totally on board but I’m just not at that point yet. I’ve seen our friends who have gotten jobs in neighboring departments and yeah its great money, but what good it more money when work consumes them? If they get a call and we’re out for drinks or something, they have to run home and go on their laptops. I just love him and I don’t want to see him be stressed just for the sake of money. I feel like the only one in a panic is me. I have anxiety and this just sends it through the roof.
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Devoted October 2020
Chelsea · on September 20, 2020 at 12:20 PM
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That fact that you recognize these feelings now and are sharing those with them is huge. His nickname for you is adorable, and I think y'all will be just fine as long as you keep talking, sharing, loving and learning. This may even be an opportunity for you all to let him get settled in his new role and get the mortgage adjustment together and then get a little one started. (Thankfully it takes 3/4 of a year for them to arrive lol).

Lots of changes are coming but all are blessings my dear. And yes, even blessings require balance. 🧡
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 12:22 PM
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Thanks for understanding♥️ This all helps a lot
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on September 20, 2020 at 12:31 PM
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It's clear your heart is in the right place, you're just struggling with getting your thoughts there.... It sounds like you and your fiancé have a wonderful relationship and will be able to figure things out. Someone very near and dear to me would likely have a very similar reaction in your situation -- anxiety issues make accepting and dealing with change all the more challenging. It's good that you recognize what's driving your reactions and concerns. It seems like the situation only came up recently, so it's a lot to process. Breathe deep and continue to give yourself time to think about both the pros & cons. It sounds like you already know what you're going to do, it's just a matter of getting yourself to a sense of peace and acceptance with your decision. Good luck!
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 20, 2020 at 1:39 PM
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I still don’t see how it would affect the mortgage, like I honestly have NEVER heard how it could have a negative affect on it ... & definitely I don’t think anyone especially a newlywed would want to see less of their spouse.

I say all of this to say, me personally I would rather the changes now then later. I would rather him move up now and work longer hours WITHOUT a baby being here then possibly move up to an even better position in the future.
But I also try to look at the bigger picture. My fiancé and I went through the same thing. When I was pregnant and first gave birth to our son he worked ridiculous hours (I’m talking 16+ hour days) but brought in way more money. I was exhausted BUT I knew that he was doing what was best for our family.
Once he got some experience in that position he switched to a different position and is now back to working better hours (about 8-10 hours a day). Just try to think about the long run. I think the ideal situation would be him being away more now than with a newborn ... at least for me it would be.
I hope you guys figure it out!
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on September 20, 2020 at 1:47 PM
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I know I’m just gonna try to stay positive. thank you for trying to help.
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on September 20, 2020 at 1:57 PM
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Very good point! Another thing that would be important to consider.
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Master October 2020
Yasmine · on September 20, 2020 at 1:57 PM
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No problem
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