fsil is a Bridesmaid

I wonder if she's acting like this, not because of her age, but because she feels pressured by her family to participate. And is not close to you and doesn't feel like she's allowed to back out. .

Is there a chance she doesn’t want to be in the wedding?

Could she have body image issues? 17 is a weird age and can be a very insecure time.

It really seems like she isn’t interested in being in the wedding. Have you asked her “hey, if you don’t want to be in the wedding I’m not going to be mad or upset with you. I just want you to be comfortable.” Or something like that.

Definitely approach and ask if she even wants to be in it.., I personally would never let a bridesmaid stress me out! Weddings are enough stress 🙃

View Quoted Comment God yes. My youngest is 18 and I’m glad we both made it out with minimal damage!

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Samantha,

I appreciate the sentiment, but I really can't imagine. She looks like a Norwegian super model (not that this doesn't mean you can't have body dysmorphia issues, I'm just trying to drive-home the point). Although she's quite shy, she takes a lot of pride in her looks and is comfortable dressing up and showing off her natural features. The only thing I could think of is that she doesn't think she'll feel comfortable in the dress... I picked one of her all-time favorite colors, and made sure that it wasn't revealing, per her request. In addition, I got everyone blush colored furs to wear over the dress if for some reason they didn't like the plain, straight-neck top...

Thanks for your post! She just isn't the type to be swayed by the idea of being shown off and photographed...

Aubrianna Abbema

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Michelle,

There are a lot of suggestions like this; it totally could be the case! She was the first girl I asked, and I was sure that I wanted to ask her because we share a lot of the same interests, and I was excited to be able to spend more time with her once Campbell and I graduated and moved back in-state. We've hung out a lot since then, and like I alluded to in my post, she visits us often! It's literally this single dress thing that she's been very flippant about. I'm honestly starting to think she might rather wear a pantsuit, maybe?

One thing, is that when I asked her I laid it all out: "you don't have to do this if you don't want to," "if you ever feel weird or uncomfortable, just let me know," but it seems like she's embarrassed to even hear that. I know that her mother hasn't put pressure on her to do this, I don't want to go into all the nuances of our relationship, but they're not contributing at all to the wedding and to this day continue to tell us to "just elope!"

And, I'm like: "But... Tradition!"

Anyways, if it is because she feels pressured to do it, I really wish I knew what to say to make her admit it (at least to herself and she can make up a random lie to tell me, I won't mind)! I just don't want her to feel like junk on our wedding day; the whole point is for all of our guests (bridal party or not) to have fun! At the same time, I don't want to repeat those same lines for a 100th time because I'm worried it's just a phase and that she'll become offended and think that I'm trying to suggest that she voluntarily leave when she doesn't want to. Like I don't want to sound manipulative, but at the same time I am kind of trying to find ways to manipulate her into telling me what's on her mindXD ...

Thank you so much for your response, and to everyone who suggested this! My FH swears that it's absolutely nothing and that's just how she is, and that I just have to ask her 100,000 times before she does anything. I guess we'll see at one point or another .

Aubrianna Abbema

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Dear Alli,

Haha, I hear that! I kind of went to school for planning so I'm a-okay with dealing with any hiccups... The whole reason we want to have a wedding is so that our guests can have a great time- because we know that if our closest family and friends are having fun, then we will, too! Plus, I'll have had three years to sort everything out once it's all over, so the most stress I've had is just trying to make sure my bridesmaids respond in the group chat. For us, it's not so much as "our day," as it is a day to thank all of our family and friends for helping us grow into the people that we both fell in love with. We just want to decorate everything and pick what some people wear, haha ! We're even having it at his great-great grandfather's home so it really is like a small, nicely decorated multi-family reunion.

Thank you so much for your post! Maybe we'll feel the need and have a destination vow renewal in ten years and I can have my quintessential "bridzilla" moments during our decade anniversary! For now, as long as everyone else is happy and I don't have to compromise on what I'm wearing, I'll be blissful.

Aubrianna Abbema

View Quoted Comment Awe, bless your heart! I hope your day is good to you.

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There are many posts on WW similar to yours with no clear answer. But more often than not, ladies are asked to be a bridesmaid years in advance often out of pressure/obligation because they are an in-law or they were a previous you were a bridesmaid for, and the bridesmaid in question is often not close to the bride at all...like she's not the bride's best friend or most supportive person..and is only filling the role out of obligation/pressure/guilt to make you/her brother/her parents happy and feels bad voicing her true feelings That can explain why she isn't in a rush to do what you would like her to do. Maybe she doesn't say how to say no.

View Quoted Comment Teenagers can have all sorts of reasons for not wanting to do things.
Can you ask her “hey, of course I’d love you to be a bridesmaid but you don’t have to! Is there something else you want to do?”

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Adults can be the same way and often would rather just enjoy being a guest.

View Quoted Comment That’a true! Hopefully adults have learned enough communication skills to say that, though. Adolescence can be a rough time and some skills lag behind others.

UPDATE: She tried her dress on!

It's passed the return date, and she didn't measure herself correctly, but... It's okay because I can just order an extra dress and my seamstress says that we can use her leftover dress to make a new bust for one of my bridesmaids whose dress fit perfectly everywhere except for in the bust.

When she put it on, she was super cute and luckily her mom was there to reassure her: for the most part. She did made the comment "suck in your stomach," and I literally I wanted to slap her. We'd made so much progress. It was so rude and uncalled for. But, her mom quickly backtracked and started talking about how beautiful she'll be right afterwards.

Anyways, thank you guys so much for all of the great anecdotes and advice! I'm glad we have our princess back! We'll make sure to keep FMIL away from her on the morning-of !

Aubrianna Abbema