Future Brother In Law Issues

If he doesn't answer the phone what is there to worry about? I highly doubt he'd want to be in the wedding. You guys get to pick your WP, not his mother.

He wouldn't even be getting an invite if it were me.

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The whole problem is how to talk to his mom about it, she keeps pushing it over and over again and I am worried that she will think I am the problem

If he's not even answering his phone, I assume he doesn't want to be involved. Does your fiance want him to be a groomsmen? If not, don't ask him and he needs to tell his mother he's NOT asking him.

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My fiance does not want him to be a part of it but another problem is that his mom had previously discussed being part of our wedding with the two brothers without even letting us know.

I would definitely make sure you and your FH are on the same page about this. Once that's done he needs to tell his mother that this FBIL won't be invited to the wedding. Hopefully your future mother in law won't go nuts about the brother not being invited.

You're not alone in having brother in law issues; one of my FBIL's has a heroin problem and has stolen money from his mom before. I told my FH I don't feel comfortable inviting him since there could be money around, and I don't trust him around my family & friends possessions. My FH wanted to have him as a groomsmen but because of this he won't be invited.

Good luck!

We're in a similar situation. My FH and his brother had a huge falling out last year and haven't spoken since. Quite frankly his brother was being a completely selfish jerk and crossed the line with my FH. Now his family is pushing and pushing for him to put his brother in the wedding party and they haven't even spoken in 9 months. They're evening coming to me and asking me to convince him and I refuse. I 10000% support my FH's choice and honestly don't really want him in it anyway. He will be invited because not inviting him would be more drama than it's worth, but it's up to him if he wants to attend or not. We will have security there and if he causes a scene he'll be removed. I would just tell your FH to stand firm on his decision, regardless of the fact his mom talked to the brothers about it. It was not her place to do so. It doesn't sound like he's interested in being involved in it anyway so I would just continue with the other wedding party members and not think twice about it.

Well its on your FH to tell his mother that its not going to happen. Its crazy she'd even be entertaining the idea.

Time for your FH to man up and tell his mother that the brother won't be a groomsman much less invited to the wedding.

I would hold your ground on this one. It sounds like he is the kind of guy that would get some kind of joy out of ruining your day. Your FH needs to tell his mom that he is not invited and she will just have to deal with it.

We are not inviting 2 of FH's siblings. One is his brother who is just toxic. Mad at the world with a "poor me" attitude, Wants to bring everyone down with him. We found out he had cancer about a year ago. FH tried to go see him to "mend the fence" and the brother refused. So that sealed the deal on their relationship (or lack thereof). The other is his sister who is estranged from most of the family. His parents have passed, so we don't have the pressure of them telling us who to invite.

You and your fh should tell you fmil, that your fh "is an adult and can make his own choices". Why can she not tell him anything about his behavior, but thinks she can tell you two what to do. I wouldn't invite him if I were you.

Your FH needs to tell his mom how it is, and the sooner the better. Let her know that HE will choose those who are closest to him. If it were me, the brother would be lucky to even get an invite, never mind be in the BP.

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I assume if he cared about being in the wedding, he would have answered his phone. I wouldn't worry about it and just tell his mother no, and not ask him!

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That honestly sounds like her problem, not yours. Don't ask him to be a groomsman. If FH's mother brings it up again, you both tell her that FH picked his groomsmen and that brother is not on the list- plain and simple. If she makes a stink, I'd tell her to stick it. But I don't care much for social graces.

Yikes! I agree with PP's.

I think keeping your distance (which it sounds like you have) is the best approach. You and FH definitely need to be on the same page and be a united front. I understand how this can be upsetting to your FMIL, but there are consequences to one's behavior (especially if they're an adult, and it sounds like she uses this phrase to be ignorant to his behavior). Both you and your FH need to let her know that you have decided together that FBIL will not be invited to the wedding and there is no more discussion about it. If she continues to push, I would respond that I won't be tolerating any more discussions about FBIL.

This is between you, FH, and FBIL. Your FMIL needs to learn her boundaries here. And, if he's not even picking up the phone, how are you supposed to involve him or rely on him anyway?

View Quoted Comment No obligation made by MOG matters at all, in an way, about groomsmen. FI needs to talk to her privately, and tell her that he is choosing BM and GM, not her, and that he will not, e ER, be including this particular brother. And he needs to tell her, that the whole world will be laughing at brother if it gets out that mommy chose him when Groom had no intention of doing so. She may figure, she is guilting FI into doing it. She needs to hear that that will not happen. All that will happen is you will say, I never chose him, my mom is pushing for it. And she will have hugely embarrassed brother and herself. Is that what she wants? MOG needs boundaries, before this gets impossible. If FI wants one family member plus friends, he can choose one brother. Or none. They are adults, and only one may be chosen, there is no fairness issue. Simply, WP is people Groom is closest to. Often, one brother, or uncle, not others.

Your FH needs to talk to his mom about why he doesn’t want his brother in your wedding and leave it at that. It’s not your fault and she shouldn't see it as your fault. It’s your FH decision and it definitely seems like your FH is on the same page as you with all of this and doesn’t want him as a groomsman at all.
My FMIL was mad because we didn’t ask FH (half) brother or one sister to be in our bridal party. When I met my FH he hadn’t talked to his brother in a long time due to a past history of physical and verbal abuse towards my FH and my FILs. FBIL has literally put my FILs in the hospital. And FSIL had stolen from her family for drug money. My FH still doesn’t forgive either of them for their past, but he now has a relationship with his brother. But even through all of this, and despite not being close with FBIL or FSIL his mom was under the impression that we would include them both in the bridal party. Nope. That’s for the people who have loved and supported us since day one and I don’t feel bad about it. So you shouldn’t feel bad whatsoever about not wanting your FBIL in the wedding. You don’t need to explain your reasoning to anyone.

I don't think you need to say anything to the mom. Your FH needs to just tell her the next time that she mentions it that he doesn't intend to ask his brother to be a groomsmen. Is he asking the other brother? It might be easier for him if he just kept it to friends and didn't ask either. I would say it's up to your FH if he wants the bad brother even as a guest or not. If he decides not to invite him at all, then he just needs to tell his mom that (unless she's paying for the wedding. If she's paying and really wants all her sons there, you may need to suck it up and invite him). Whether she's paying or not, she does not get to dictate the BP. Only you and your FH can do that. Good luck. If she flips out, he just needs to be firm with her and say that this is his decision and it's final. He can site specific instances of behavior that makes him uncomfortable. IMO BP should be the people you really care about and want to stand with you on your wedding day. They shouldn't be people you ask out of obligation because of the relationship.