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Ari
Beginner September 2022

Future in-law anxiety

Ari, on November 7, 2020 at 4:26 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 13
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I am having a hard time dealing with my fiancé’s family. He and I have have been together 2.5 years and everything has been great with his family up until April of this year. My fiancé and his family are totally different than my family and I politically. This past April, his brother and sister-in-law lost a pregnancy. We were all really supportive and sent our prayers to them. A month later we were chatting in the family group chat about the pandemic and the topic of abortion came up via the brother. Everyone knows I’m personally pro-choice and they aren’t, which is fine with me, I’ve always loved them despite our differences. However, in this moment I didn’t feel it was appropriate to comment on so I said, “this isn’t a hill I’m willing to die on.” All hell broke loose after that and I was called everything under the sun for months, from racist to unchristian to immature, etc. My fiancé felt it was extremely hurtful and uncalled for and started backing away from his family. I was hysterical everyday and needless to say my family aren’t fans anymore. We eventually had an even bigger blow up but they apologized even though they still maintain they did nothing wrong. The sister-in-law says that I did nothing wrong, but knowing my views warranted them to treat me that way. We also found out that they have a separate group chat where they have been talking badly about me. We got engaged a month ago and I really want his nieces and nephews in the wedding, but I can’t handle their parents and grandparents. I have anxiety about being apart of a family that could treat me so horribly. Marriage is forever and I don’t know if I could do that forever. It really scares me that they will treat my children badly if they have different views than them too. I want a decent relationship with them and they try hard to be nice, but I think the damage is done and I don’t trust them. What should I do, because this is becoming and everyday worry to the point where I think about calling off the engagement?


Sorry this is so long and TIA 🙂

13 Comments

Latest activity by Ivory, on November 24, 2020 at 12:39 PM
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    Ummm unless they've tried to physically harm you OR your FH is not backing you up then I would not call off the wedding. If they're willing to let go of the relationship based on politics then their loss. You and your boo can elope ir just have a ceremony with only parenys and no siblings (that's what my Fh and I are doing).
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Definitely do not call off the engagement! Do you or do you not love your fiancé? Can’t imagine not spending the rest of your life without him? If the answer is yes, than that’s wonderful! The good thing is you don’t have to live with those people everyday. You can’t control what people say about you, that’s on them.
    If things don’t get better with your relationship with them then you just might have to have the wedding without the nieces and nephews.


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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    I completely understand where you’re coming from, and can empathize with the pain and frustration you are feeling right now. I had pretty much the exact same thing happened to me, except the a-holes were my own aunts. Not only did they call me out on my beliefs publicly, they have also been talking crap about me in a private text a group. Is is incredibly hurtful and frustrating. After some soul searching though, I realized that if people are that different from me on fundamental human rights and the ideas of morality, they probably aren’t people I wish to align myself with anyway. And if they are willing to speak to and about me in such a negative manner, then they are proving their love and support are not unconditional, as it should be with family. So, I have made the decision to basically cut those people out of the majority of my life. I am taking the highroad and not deleting them from Social media, but I have most certainly unfollowed them and have blocked them from seeing any future parts of my life. I no longer reach out to them or visit them; and I have remove them from my wedding guest list. There comes a time in life where you simply have to remove yourself from toxic people. However, I do not think it is fair for you to
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  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
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    Don't worry about the family 🤷🏾‍♀️ As long as you and your partner have a clear understanding and he stands behind you that's all that matters. My husband ended up distancing himself from a lot of his family because they had problems with me and our parenting as well. He stands behind be 100% and that's all that I need from him. I was cool with his family but this last year things have turned but I honestly don't care anymore. If you and your partner are happy then that's all that matters.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Unless you have to deal with his family on a daily basis, then I wouldn't call off your wedding. Obviously, none of us were there during the argument, but my guess is both sides probably said things they shouldn't have as that is what tends to happen in arguments. My family and I don't agree on some things in politics, but we know better than to continue talking about it. My guess is part of the reason they are so upset is because someone just lost a baby and you were there saying abortion is okay and you support it. While that might be your view that might not have been the time to express it.
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  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I really feel for you, my husbands family is so toxic and he has distance himself a lot. I thought about even just quitting the marriage because of how opinionated they are but at the end of the day my husband stands up for me and is happy with us, even if that means is family isnt a part of his life as much. Unfortunately, we cant make people respect us and act like mature adults
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    A lot of people think their 2 families will automatically merge starting with engagement and the wedding, but in fact that is not so for the majority of marriages. Either the couple is closer to one family than the other, or the couple only crosses into and out of either family on specific occasions, and generally spends little ti.e together. Your FI needs to talk to his family to tell them that politics and certain emotionally charged subjects are out. You all do not agree, and will never agree. But there is nothing in Christianity I ever heard of that says actively being rude, mean, and attacking someone within the family verbally , is appropriate behavior, ever . You have different opinions. Learn to coexist without fighting. Try a little love and kindness, should be FI's message to his family, or he will not see them. Ever. There is no need to fight out society's issues over the dinner table or family visits.
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  • Mercy
    Savvy January 2011
    Mercy ·
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    In Laws Suck. Who doesn't have a strained relationship with at least 1 in-law? Creepy Uncle, or a Drunk Aunt. That being said, I am certain that if they want what's best for their son, they can pray about it and you. He's an adult now, and the fact that you said he's backing away from them is a good sign. Leave and Cleave. Don't let this get in the way of your big plans and big day. Definitely show them forgiveness and love. 2020 has been stressful and people are acting weird, it would definitely be wise to NOT make a rash decision this year...

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  • Soon2Bemarried
    Devoted September 2022
    Soon2Bemarried ·
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    It’s always an uncomfortable feeling when you cant get along with your FH’s family. They probably didn’t appreciate your comment, but it was still on them to choose to be rude and nasty in return. You don’t have to tolerate anyone’s presence no matter how close they are to you if you’ve felt intentionally slighted. You’re wedding is still about you and your FH, regardless of what they’re doing in the background. Gossiping about you in a group chat like we’re in middle school highlights their immaturity, so do them one better and give them no reaction 💫



    However, if the parents are grownups then they’ll understand their differences with you two have nothing to do with the niece’s and nephew’s being in your wedding. But in order for the niece’s and nephew’s to be in the wedding (im assuming you’ll have to go through the parents because they are underage), you’ll have to communicate with the parents. The communication can strictly be about wedding events.
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  • Ari
    Beginner September 2022
    Ari ·
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    Thanks for your advice. I usually try to stay away from political talk with them especially because of the comments they’ve made about my political views in the past. My fiancé’s mom said everyone was offended by what I said, but the brother and the sister in law (who lost the baby) said otherwise. They basically chalked up to they were having a rough time and he chose to take it out on me. Overall, political talk is completely out for me going forward.
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  • Ari
    Beginner September 2022
    Ari ·
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    Thanks for your advice! The relationship is definitely not what it was and I don’t think it ever will be. Going forward no more political talk. The whole thing is tricky because my fiancé’s mom said everyone was offended, but everyone else is saying otherwise. It’s just a he said she said mess lol.
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  • Ari
    Beginner September 2022
    Ari ·
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    Thank you!
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    You're welcome 😊 It is honestly best to avoid politics as much as possible especially if you know someone doesn't agree with your views.
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