Future mil is mad because i hired a florist

Did you specifically tell her that you'd let her do florals? Or did you just kind of say "yeah that would be fun or nice to have some help!". Either way, it sounds like hiring a florist or doing it yourself would cause some hurt feelings, but if she isn't listening to you then you have to do what's best for you and what you want.

She clearly isn't taking your feedback or listening to your opinions, and you don't want to end up on your wedding day hating how the florals and décor look. Are they not the most important thing? Sure. But if you aren't happy, then that'll show lol.

Since it's your FMIL, I'd have your fiancé talk with her. Just tell her: "We're happy and grateful for you wanting to help out and all you've done, but we're having a difficult time working with you and feel like our voices aren't heard when it comes to florals and décor. We don't want this to tarnish our relationship with you, and would feel much more comfortable if we hired a florist to take some stress off of us and you."

View Quoted Comment When she offered, my response was that I would love someone to plan with. I also told her that she does beautiful work, because she truly does.
Unfortunately, fiance is used to this behavior. He is often left out, especially when his mom's husband and/or mom's husband's kids are around. There is only support and affection in private, and even then it's restrained. I need to note that he is the only one treated this way. I was so thrilled because I thought we could maybe strengthen the relationships.
I really appreciate how you worded your "just tell her..." advice. That's exactly my sentiment towards this whole thing. Thank you 💖

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I'm sorry to hear that he's treated differently! Hopefully the talk with her will go well, and maybe she can help plan in other ways? You could offer that as well and see if she's up for it!

View Quoted Comment I'm going to think on that one. I'm sure that she isn't going to take it well, but I truly do want her to feel involved.

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Well good luck!! I hope it all works out, but just remember that what's most important is how you and your fiancé feel.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the advice and support!

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You're welcome!

Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. I know there's a ton you have to do, but could she be not as invested because you've still got a year left until your wedding? I recently reached out to florists and all of them said they don't do consultations until 7-8 months before a wedding.

Either way, I think how SHY worded everything was perfect. If you have to talk to her try to do it sooner rather than later so you have time to get everything straightened away. Don't forget that once you've set a boundary, enforce it. I know it's hard when you want to be nice and include people, but you can always share things with her that are finished and not ask her opinion if you really want her to be "involved."

This is your wedding, not hers. Do not share planning details with her. Set and maintain boundaries as a team with fiancé and he he needs to be the one to tell her to back off and stay out of the planning and there will be consequences for her getting in the way.

View Quoted Comment I wish it were as simple as that! I would even believe it, if this were the first time she's acted this way towards us. A very simple example is when she started making custom wood burnings. They were gorgeous!! All of the siblings received one, except for fiance. About a year after everyone else received theirs, we were offered one. It's been three years, and it's been "forgotten."
SHY did indeed so a wonderful job of expressing my exact feelings in a respectful and caring manner 💕
I agree that it needs to be done soon. She won't allow me to say anything to her about the wedding, and I don't want to put it in a text, so I'm going to write her a simple letter using SHY's advice. I am definitely learning that I can't keep everyone happy at the same time. It's inauthentic and stressful. I've gone with the flow and allowed myself to be mistreated for years because I just really, really wanted a family. I've finally realized that I have most of the family; I need them all.

View Quoted Comment Fiance and I have had this exact thought. I asked him if he would be ok with the inevitable fallout from setting and maintaining boundaries. He said that he doesn't feel particularly "in" so it wouldn't affect him much to fall "out."
I'm still fearful of the fallout, mostly because the rest of his mom's side is tightly knit. If one of them is against you, they all are. I feel personally responsible for being the first person to point out how toxic all of this is. I did so in private and tried to be as respectful as possible, but it is manipulative and childish behavior.

View Quoted Comment There is no excuse for toxic behavior, period. So the fallout will be beneficial in that respect. If they don’t respect either of you, you don’t need to be involved with them. You just need your fiancé and you two create your own family away from the toxicity.

View Quoted Comment I agree that there is no excuse for toxic behavior. My only concern is that I'm not sure if I would be giving up on people who obviously need help healing. We both grew up in toxic families and have worked really hard to heal from it.
Although, I guess if I lay down some boundaries and they aren't respected, it's not me who is giving up. I do honestly believe that the only people who have a problem with boundaries are the exact people with whom you absolutely need boundaries.

View Quoted Comment Who are you giving up on who needs healing? Don’t quite understand what you mean. You and fiancé need to focus on you. Cut out all the toxic relationships and surround yourself only with supportive people who love you. Toxic people get hostile because they realize you are not playing their manipulation games. You don’t need to spend your time and energy with that because your mental health is too important. Especially since you mentioned you *both* come from toxic environments, you both need to cut out all the toxicity. It’s not worth it because you can hope all day and it won’t happen.

View Quoted Comment Basically, his mom's side of his family all need healing from their own traumas. I'm a psychology major, and I understand why they are the way they are; I just don't agree with them choosing to use it as an excuse. We are all responsible for our own healing, true, but sometimes we need help. I don't know. I am ready to wash my hands of a few people: his mom, my stepmom (I haven't spoken to my birth mother in YEARS), all of mine and his siblings and step siblings (I also haven't talked to my only blood related sibling in years).

View Quoted Comment They have to decide on their own to move on from from whatever they are dealing with. It’s not up to you. It’s better to walk away and sever ties rather than get beaten up emotionally by people who don’t want you there. How does your fiancé feel about them and their behavior? Take his lead and if you jointly decide to move forward without a relationship with them , then that’s what you need to do.

View Quoted Comment That is true.

Sounds troublesome! I don’t know if it might be best to just handle everything yourself and if she asks say “I texted/called you several times but you never replied so I assumed you got busy and didn’t want to bother you.” Or if there is some small task you can give her that you don’t care about about—like wedding favors (which aren’t necessary anyway). That way you can share your ideas (like a cake pop or candy bar) but if she takes over and does her own thing (coffee gift bag or flower seeds) or forgets altogether, it’s not a big deal.

View Quoted Comment “I texted/called you several times but you never replied so I assumed you got busy and didn’t want to bother you.” is something I would say/do. That's part of the reason this is so hard for me. I just don't know how to "remind" someone over and over. Either they'll do it or they won't. Thanks for the advice!

View Quoted Comment You don’t have to anymore! Just use that line and position it as you didn’t want to keep bothering her. 😉