Future mil issues and planning

I hate to say it, but they pay, they say. They love you two and are doing their best to share in your day. Take a deep breath and keep pushing. You should have more conversations with your FI about this, but I can see where he is coming from too. You cannot control how they spend their money, it is what it is, and try not to take it as a slight to your mother as he is their son and this is their gift to you two. Try not to be resentful, I know thats easier said than done. Keeping going to those dinner, too!

If you can, try to pick out a few special things that you can provide for the wedding. Maybe its some signs, or cake cutting set. I hear you in that they have taken over the planning but thats to be expected with the money they are spending.

I'd try hard to get past the guilt and anxiety, but still speak up if you want something done. If they don't mind paying the money, then they simply don't mind. Yes, that's a LOT, but if they don't even blink an eye, they obviously have enough saved for this so they can give you an ultimate dream wedding. If there's something you ABSOLUTELY want, I'd tell them "Hey, I'm really grateful for what you're doing, but this is something I'd really love to have, please."

Try to sit down with FH and explain WHY you feel this way, but you're working on it, and you'd appreciate if he didn't argue with you every time you express your feelings. Remind him you two are a team, and you aren't trying to bring his family down, but just want your voice heard as well.

Good luck! I know this is difficult to do when you grew up a different way, but sometimes you just need to accept the fact that this is their lifestyle and they are used to spending this kind of money. And your wedding will be INCREDIBLE.

Keep us updated on everything!

If they are paying you are going to have to accept the fact that they are going to do what they want. LOL I agree with PP. You should pick a few special things AND KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF that you want to include in your big day the execute them.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. It'd be a little different if they weren't giving in to what you wanted at all and only doing what they want as opposition, but it seems they want to do something elaborate for you and your FH cause they love you! I'm also not too comfortable with accepting what family wants to contribute but they all just want the best for my FH and me. If they find pricing to not be an issue then they are probably just so happy to give you and your FH the best they can for your wedding day.

I would first like to say that whatever you are feeling, and however you process your understanding of the situation is valid. I would like to encourage you, however, to consider, very closely, the other perspectives that you have acknowledged. You have done nothing wrong. It is quite reasonable that you would wish to be as independent in the planning of the wedding you and your partner will share as you are able to be. You have already indicated that you are more inclined to shop for the best value, not necessarily the greatest cost. That is commendable! Fortunately, there are people who love and care about you and your partner enough to desire to provide you with one of the highest forms of tribute they can imagine by gifting a dream wedding to you. The concern you may wish to focus on is not the issue of expense, but thr issue of boundaries. It would be useful, and not unreasonable for you, your partner, and his parents to speak with each other directly about the intentions behind the selections of vendor packages and the expansive budget. If his family is well positioned financially, the encouragement you have recieved to contract the elaborate packages may simply extend from their desire to see you both receive the best they can afford without the desire to cast any negative impression upon you or your family. The expectations they hold of a wedding may also be different than yours. Many people consider weddings a once in a lifetime affair deserving of all the pomp and circumstance of a state dinner. In some cultures, a parent will save all their life to afford an elaborate wedding for their children. It may be worth discussing a budget threshold within which you can work and make decisions. If you discuss expectations that you each hold, it will be easier for you all to understand the thoughts behind the actions that are driving your wedding planning decisions. If you find you are still having difficulties, I encourage you to seek guidance from a personal or family counselor who may be able to offer better perspective and tools for more positive interaction. I am hopeful that you will be able to remain on good terms with your in laws. Weddings can be stressful times, but they bring people together for the most wonderful reasons. Best of luck!

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This is good stuff right here OP! Counseling is always a great idea, if you ask me.

Thank you all for your comments. I do understand that they love us and want to give us the best. I just get so hung up on cost and have always been taught to save money however you can. Again different lifestyles for sure. I am a Walmart girl and proud of it. The dress I found for the wedding is $250 and I am proud of it. It looks just as good as one that would cost over $1,000. I am not a flashy girl and I can dress up a cheap Walmart outfit to look more expensive. His parents are the spend the money first, look at the price later. Also his mothers pushiness is getting really overwhelming. Why does it have to be non stop wedding talk? Our wedding is a year away and the major stuff is done. I am just not enjoying the planning AT ALL.

In regards to counseling.....I have been in counseling myself for issues about fathers death and my stress management issues...FH and I have gone together as well for relationship issues. Now FH doesn't think counseling is necessary. Thinks we should be able to talk to each other and fix each other....but when I try to talk about my feelings and concerns he gets upset with me and thinks its ridiculous.

Just want to be excited again and happy!!! don't know how to get there.

My advice the next time the wedding topic comes up at dinner would just to be laid back and be like yeah we can talk wedding planning but lets set a date aside for that and enjoy a family dinner to talk about how things are going in life. Then ask them how work is or something else that may be going on. Just have a conversation saying I am grateful for everything you are doing for the wedding but we can set up time just for wedding talk. Hope something like that will help to get rid of the stress and to being more happy

Okay, I was in the same situation as your fmil. It took us (dil and I) a while to get on the same page. I thought she was picking cheap stuff (in the beginning,) only because she was worried about the money. Eventually she was able to realize that this was one (and only) time she wasn't going to have to cut corners. And I realized that just because she found a deal or chose something on the lower end of the cost spectrum didn't mean she did it only for cost reasons but that she actually LIKED what she was choosing. Her lack of willingness to engage in the planning process and VOICE her wants and tastes early on was frustrating because it wasn't that I wanted to take over but because I was so happy and excited for them and for our family. Once she got confident in making HER choices and I got confident that she wasn't "settling", we had a blast together with DIY projects and actually getting the wedding that was totally them.

So please try to meet them half-way. You need to step up and actually CHOOSE some of the things and see how they react. Reassure them you are not "settling" for something that isn't you because of money. Understand that they have a certain amount of pride and that their priorities are somewhat different than yours because of the stage of life they are in vs yours. If they are financially more-than-comfortable, then it's just natural that an event like this is higher on their priority list for their discretionary money than a new car or a vacation etc. This is how they want to spend their money. And if they are like my husband and I, they want you to have the day of your dreams whatever those dreams are. But if you can't stand up and show them or make choices about it, they can't know they are spending their money on something that will be worth it. Because the only thing that makes it worth it is the look of joy on you and your fh's face.

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Thank you for the FMIL prospective. I am trying to get on the same page with her and know a lot of my ideas are on the cheaper end, but I also liked them. I am a simple girl and don't need lavish expensive things. FIL are def on the more expensive end of the spectrum. They don't really know how to cut corners and dont look for the best deal. I have tried to voice my opinions but FMIL keeps shooting me down so I get discouraged from saying anything. I will take your advice and try to meet half way again. I just am not enjoying planning at all and want everything to be done. I wish the day was tomorrow instead of a yr away. I stress a lot over everything and my FH doesn't even stress a little. He is in almost perfect agreement with his parents and also has expensive tastes. Thank you again for the advice. I just want his parents to calm down a little. Like I said major stuff is done. Can we stop talking wedding stuff everytime we are together.

I was in a similar situation. My parents are similar to your FILS in that they will spend whatever they want on certain things, especially weddings, as in Jewish tradition weddings are huge formal events. However, I was told growing up that because my parents threw me a large party for my bat mitzvah, that they would not be paying for a wedding. When FH and I got engaged last summer, we planned for a 2019 wedding. When I told my mom this, she questioned me as to why we were waiting 2 years to which I replied we wanted to save up to pay for the wedding. She told me I was ridiculous and that of course her and my father would pay for it. Well, low and behold, we're back at the same venue that I had my bat mitzvah at, where they have even more food than you mentioned you're having at yours (the cocktail hours is 2 rooms with about 35+ passed apps, chaffing stations, fresh made sushi, vodka and caviar with an ice vodka luge, multiple fresh made pasta and carving stations...literally the works) and my father wants to add on their seafood package which puts even MORE food in the cocktail hour. Plus 3 entree options. My parents added the 4k lighting package, and the list goes on and on and on. I absolutely feel guilty about things they're spending their money on. But when I express this to my parents, they tell me that it is their money and they are adults and can choose how they want to spend it. And honestly, they're right. If they want the extra flowers for the ceremony, well they're paying so who am I to say anything? It would be one thing if they were picking colors/types of flowers I hated, but they're not. I get a say in everything and they always want me to pick what I want...I just need to speak up and say what it is that I want. If they choose to add on top of that then that is their choice. It is always hard to accept monetary gifts, but keep in mind that they are doing this because they love you. I'm sure that they're aware of your mother's financial issues and that you faced financial issues growing up. Perhaps knowing that, and knowing what they can afford, they just want to do everything in their power to make sure that you and FH have the most perfect, memorable day and they are happy to provide that for you. My best advice would be to just be thankful for everything they are doing and let them do it...but make sure that if you don't like something you say it, and make sure to give them your opinions rather than saying you don't care or whatever they want. I know when I say that to my parents, my father gets very upset because, as he says, if he didn't want me to have what I want, he wouldn't ask for my opinion. Embrace the gift and make it known what you want, your likes and dislikes. But at this point, embrace the fact that they love you enough to give you one hell of a party!