Hi all, warning...long. Ok so little back story...my FH and I have been together for 7 yrs until he finally proposed in Dec'18. All of his family was excited and have been waiting for this day for so long. I used to get along GREAT with his mother. We would hang out and talk on the phone but since we got engaged she has changed. She has become a very pushy and opinionated person. His parents are paying for the wedding...they offered to pay and said they saved to do so. I have no money saved and am living paycheck to paycheck working 2 jobs and paying off my $100,000 student loan. FH I think has no money saved either ( I say think bc we have not talked about his money or my money, we split the costs of the house and keep our stuff separate for now). My parents have no money. I am 1 of 5 children and the only girl. There was no money for college and no money for a wedding. My father also passed away over 10 yrs ago so its just my mom. My mom is in her 70s and on a very fixed income and health is not that great.
So now to the present with planning the wedding. I have felt guilty and ashamed that his parents are paying for the entire wedding, therefore I haven't been into planning so much. Well FH and his parents have been pushing me to get started. I had to have a conversation with FIL about my feelings and why I have not been into planning. I expressed my gratitude to them for this amazing gift but keep getting very concerned with the cost. I am a coupon user and saver. They said I was being ridiculous and they want to do this for us. So we started with looking at venues. I was trying to keep the costs down but him and his parents are not concerned with prices. We booked a venue that I thought was reasonable for the price but then they pick the most expensive package with tons of food (ie 25 passed appetizers, 5 stations (pasta/carving/etc) for cocktail hr, then most expensive dinner menu that included 2 entrees...FIL want to add 3rd entrée "have to have chicken, steak, and fish to choose from" they don't care about extra cost., then cake and dessert pedestal) SOOOOOO much food. I see the price and almost have a heart attack. FH and FIL don't even bat an eye.
Then comes entertainment and photography. Met with a guy I really liked and he does all the following:
-DJ
-Photography
-videography
-photo booth
-officiant
So when we first met with him the quote for all that was $7,000. I thought was a lot but got a lot in the package and he gave us the basic photo booth for free. Well then we meet with him with the FIL and they like him but they added more stuff like extra photographer and highest photo booth package. Total then came to over $11,000. I am in sticker shock and the guilt of them paying is on overload. I talk to FH about it and he doesn't understand why I am upset. He has no problem with his parents paying. He feels they have the money and want to do it so be it. He also grew up in a very different childhood then me. His parents always took care of him financially and still do (hes 38) My family didn't have much at all so we took care of ourselves financially.
I have tried to be gracious and accept their gift but they also make it very hard....mostly FMIL. Anytime I make a suggestion about our wedding I feel I get shot down. I try to save them money on stuff and again get shot down. I feel they are making almost all the decisions for our wedding. I don't feel included. FMIL tries to get me to be a part of it but every time I make a suggestion she shoots it down so I feel diminished and don't want to feel like that so I keep my mouth shut. FH is not happy about that. Says I am being disrespectful and unappreciative of their gift when I just say "whatever you want , that's fine"
I feel like its FH and MIL wedding not FH and mine. Had a discussion with FH the other night about it and he doesn't understand why I am upset about this. Asked me to tell him something I wanted and didn't get. I told him its not what I wanted and didn't get its more like don't want or feel don't need and am getting. I am not a show boater and thought my FH was the same (apparently I was wrong. We are simple laid back people. Not flashy with cars or clothes. I feel this wedding has turned very expensive and showy. That discussion turned nasty and now FH is mad at me bc I am making such a big deal about the cost of things when we are not paying. He also brings up my mother and the fact that she has a year to save up something to contribute. I know my mother does not have the money and will not put her in that situation. I am paying to have her hair and makeup done and may even have to pay for her dress. And I am ok with that. I want my mother to look beautiful and be happy and comfortable.
The cost of his parents gift of the money for the wedding is causing me major anxiety and guilt. I feel subconsciously his parents are trying to make my mom look bad. They have said they don't even want to sit with her at the wedding (other reasons besides the money thing). Its really upsetting. If we could reject the money and have a small intimate wedding I would but FH is not in agreement with that plus FIL have already put deposits on the venue and entertainment package.
This has caused so much friction between me and FH that we are fighting. I'm stressed all the time. Don't want to spend any time with his parents.....all they talk about is the wedding. I said to FH during our discussion that his parents need to calm down with the wedding talk. We have the major stuff done ...venue, date, food, entertainment package. We could relax a little and don't need to talk about wedding stuff everytime we see each other...which is every Friday for dinner. He got upset that I said I wanted a break from his parents and talking about wedding stuff. Felt I was being ungrateful. I just really don't want to talk about wedding stuff for a little while. Its so stressful for me bc I feel I don't really get a choice or say in what to have and not have bc all my ideas are about saving money and him and his parents don't care how much stuff costs. I have been told by FH to get over it and accept the gift but he doesn't see the cost, he agrees 95% of the time with his parents. Told by FIL not to worry about the money and that they want to do this and saved for this. Told by MOH I need to stop worrying about the money too, but she agrees FMIL is being too pushy...she calls her MOMZILLA bc I am def not a bridezilla.
I just don't know how to get over it and accept the gift when I know all the underlying cost to me...ie they get the final say in mostly everything and the guilt for my mom. How do I handle the FIL and not have FH mad at me????? Have tried the discussions with both but just seems to get worse.
HELP!!!!!