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Just Said Yes April 2020

Future mother-in-law invites herself to elope!

Katie, on February 16, 2019 at 6:38 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13

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Hey guys. Im from Uk, not Alabama and I am loosing sleep over this.
Background story - been with my partner for 3 years, got engaged a year ago and from the very begining (even before we was officially engaged) we wanted to elope in Las Vegas. We told everyone including the parents. My parents were okay because there happy for me but my FH mum was gutted (FH dad is chilled so was fine with it). Few reasons to elope, 1 - we both dont like the attention. 2 - save money 3 - my parents who were married for 24 years split up 2 years ago and havnt really made contact since or even seen each other in that time. My dad cheated so some bad feelings there. My mum was crushed when she found out and has been battling depression ever since.
Anyway.... last week my and FH booked the flights to vegas ready for next year and a week later, his mums got a problen with it and invites herself. She said to FH 'me and your father are coming now' and thats it. Ive had a day to think about it and now im crapping myself. Las vegas is meant to be our honeymoon aswell and there going to take up 3 days out of our 7 day trip to do what they want. His mother is bossy, spoilt and always gets her own way. Shes dramatic and it annoys me. I love her but she does my head in. Ive also got the worry now that i have to force my parents to stay in las vegas for 3 days, in hotel rooms on their own, doing day actuvities on there own potentially and putting them in a awkward position as they havnt seen each other in this time. Ive spoken to mum and dad about it and they both say 'we are adults but the pain is still raw with the divorce. We might have to see closer to the time' and i feel so terrible for them and angry at FMIL for forcing them to be put in this position. And there is no way I am inviting FH family and not mine. Im full of anxiety because if this. Do i make my parents come and make them spend money on flights/hotel for them to potentially not have a good time and feel uneasy, just to please FMIL? I feel FMIL hasnt considered my mum.and dads feelings and thinking 'well its my sons wedding and im going' even though she knew we wanted to elope on our own from the start. I think shes being very selfish putting me in this position and this is not what getting married is about. Shall i just tell everyone no one is coming and stick to the original plan? Help!

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Mrs!, on February 17, 2019 at 1:32 AM

Devoted April 2021
Soon2BMrsR · on February 16, 2019 at 6:46 PM
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I think you should tell her exactly why you are eloping to begin with and that it’s supposed to kick off your honeymoon in Vegas and that having it go in any other way as planned will make it feel uncomfortable for everyone going.

This is about setting boundaries. If things were different then you could be more flexible, but they aren’t. If you don’t enforce boundaries with your in-laws at the start of your marriage you’ll be fighting for them during your marriage too.
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VIP April 2018
JustKidding · on February 16, 2019 at 6:51 PM
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I would see if I could change my flight, and not tell them when I am going. Let them head to what they think is the wedding, let them get to Vegas and figure out they have been stood up.

When asked "we felt it was inappropriate for you to invite yourself to an elopement and our honeymoon. We changed the dates."

But I'm not a nice person.

Put your foot down now or you will have a life time of drama from this woman. Do you want to deal with her steam rolling you when you have kids?
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Master May 2020
Tara · on February 16, 2019 at 6:58 PM
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I think you and your FH need to have a candid conversation with her and remind her that it is the nuptials’ wedding and that you (the couple) wanted to elope. With her forcing herself in, it really impacts your family.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on February 16, 2019 at 6:59 PM
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How does your FH feel about this? I understand your reasons for wanting to elope, and I think eloping is fine, but why (if that’s what he wants too) is he not standing up to his mom? He needs to speak up and tell her no.
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Just Said Yes April 2020
Katie · on February 16, 2019 at 7:07 PM
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Well he thinks there is going to be a mssive argument break out and hes basically scared to tell her. He will tell her if necessary when we make our final decision but he knows she is going to mad and blame me because of my families situation. Hes looking for an easy life i think. He wants to deffo elope but like either idea of his parents being there or not. So decision lies witg me really.
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Just Said Yes April 2020
Katie · on February 16, 2019 at 7:08 PM
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Thank you for your advice. Your right, need to draw a line.
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Just Said Yes April 2020
Katie · on February 16, 2019 at 7:10 PM
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Thank you for your advice. This is really helping me with my anxiety and reminding myaelf im not going mad or being selfish about this.
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Super September 2018
Lc · on February 16, 2019 at 7:22 PM
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I agree with Just Kidding. I would probably do the same just out of spite, but I am also mean.

This is YOUR wedding. You will (hopefully) only have one. Don’t let her ruin it for you! Speak up and talk to your FH about how you feel and tell him you do not want them there. Your family aside, you did not want anyone there at all. This is about you and your FH, no one else. Your wedding day is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your lives, please make sure that whatever decision you make, you are truly happy with it.

Its not worth ruining your special day. Good luck, love.
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Expert January 2020
Abby · on February 16, 2019 at 7:56 PM
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Maybe you and the FH should talk. You need to be firm when you tell him it’s not what you guys had planned and doing this is unfair to your family. Then you all may have to have a sit down with you FMIL and tell her listen you are not going, you are not the bride or groom this day is not about you, I’m sorry it’s too much to ask of my family and it’s not fair that y’all go and my family doesn’t. My mother and step father when they went on their honeymoon his mother tried to force her way into going she also forced them to go where she wanted them to go (he thought his mother walked on water no matter how horrible she treated everyone else. So he was fine with her coming and wasn’t going to tell my mom. But she came in the room gloating that she was “going on the honeymoon too” She was one of the reasons they divorced) my mother finally put her foot down and said no she’s not going. His mother was fuming but since my mom put her foot down she didn’t go and it made my mom feel so much better about everything. I know it’s hard to do that. I have. Had to put my foot down a lot recently and it sucks. I hope this helps you a little bit. Good luck!!
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Super August 2019
Tina · on February 16, 2019 at 8:17 PM
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I have a son that will be 22 in a few days and if he were getting married l would definitely want to be there. I know l would. It matters to share in that moment with your child as they do the most important thing they could ever do in life. I know my honey and l were going to elope way back when but l see know the importance of including family. It is your wedding and its your day. Just remember that one day you may have kids and it would mean alot to be there for these moments. 😀
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Expert May 2021
· on February 16, 2019 at 9:27 PM
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I agree with this! Could you change your flight to arrive on their last or second to last day? Depending on how much time you need to get ready. I wouldn’t tell them a thing. As far as your parents I would tell them of the change and give them the option of coming, if it’s important to you let them know. They could come for the ceremony and then leave the next day. I would also inform my FMIL that this is our HONEYMOON and immediately after the ceremony we will be unplugged and unavailable. That is SO rude of her!
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Devoted April 2021
Soon2BMrsR · on February 16, 2019 at 9:45 PM
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You are not being selfish when your primary reasons for doing the Vegas thing is to make things easier on your parents and to start a new life together focusing on each other rather than the past. Plus if you two plan to do something major like buying a home together that isn’t selfish that’s some smart financial planning there because a house with a lot of equity in it is bedrock for other things like money you can take out for a car, or an addition, even a vacation or paying for your kids’ college. And you can deduct the interest from your taxes.

I think if your FMIL wants a party, she should throw one for you both when you get back rather than turn the enlopement into an ordeal. After all that’s why you are enloping in the first place!
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