Future Mother in Law relationship (confused) -kinda long-

Ugh that is terrible that she is causing you so much trouble but it's good to hear you're trying to take it in stride. The kill em with kindness route can't be easy but is probably the best.

I would also make sure to stop including her in wedding plans. She isn't contributing and is only bringing you negativity so cut her out of the planning process. Simply don't discuss the wedding with her and definitely don't give in to any of her "demands".

Hopefully FH is standing up for you when she talks about you and your choices to him. Try not to let her get you down and happy planning!

What sorts of things is she trying to influence?

Have your husband tell her, no pay no say

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Exactly this! She can have 50% say in the rehearsal dinner and nothing else. Your FH needs to lay down the law or just stop responding to her altogether about wedding related things.

Well, I don't know how common is that behavior. But you just have to chill and keep killing them with kindness. I would try to avoid all the drama as much as possible. My FMIL can be the nicest person and sometimes very rude, but I just ignore her when she's being rude. I wouldn't want to give her a reason to start a conflict.

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I AGREE! No pay, no say!! One of my FSIL has two very young kids. They will be about 2 and 3 on our wedding day. We didn't want them to attend the ceremony because we felt they were a little too young. FMIL threw a FIT saying that "Family tolerates little ones" and now the little ones will be at the ceremony. There was also drama with one of my FSIL being in the bridal party. FH originally did not want her in it as they don't get along, aren't close, and will have two kids to tend to during the ceremony. Again, FMIL threw a fit and I decided to save face and keep my sanity, to make her a bridesmaid. This was all settled and dealt with about 2 months ago, and just last night FMIL brought it all up again to FH asking why she got a different gift than his other sister, that "traditionally" (I think thats her favorite word) all the gifts are the same. I tried to give the two sisters the same gift but by the time we decided to put her in the bridal party, the gifts were out of stock. She received an VERY similar, equally awesome gift that was approved by FH and all was well. Until FMIL brought it back up.

I already know there is more drama to come because I decided that I will just be getting ready with my BM's and my mom on my wedding day because my mom has mentioned SEVERAL times that that is something that is VERY important to her and she wants us to spend the morning together (I agree) I also figured FMIL will want to help her mom get ready (she has MS and will need a little bit of help) and would want to spend time with the groom. Theres already been comments made about how I am "excluding people" and need to "include everyone like FSIL did at her wedding"

I just don't understand why she is being like this! It is very unexpected? I thought she would've been different.

Truly sorry you are going through that...at the end of the day it's your wedding your family is footing the bill not her. So her demands should be ignored. It's about you and your FH and how you would like your dream wedding to be she should have no say so. Your Mom is right kill her with kindness and any demands she thinks she is making I would just ignore. Continue planning your wedding and let your FH deal with his mom and that side of the family do not let anyone still your Joy and Happiness!

That is really rough. Especially because you are trying so hard to be civil.
I would just be kind and let her know that you'll consider her ideas.
But you and FH are the ones getting married and planning it (with the financial help of your parents). You get the final say. And as much as you want to share and have FMIL involved, I'd just not share major details with her anymore if she is being bitter and controlling.

I'm so sorry. I'm having issues with my FMIL also. It's annoying that she keeps comparing the two weddings. If it were me I would just tell her "well guess what!! This is not FSIL's wedding! This is our wedding" Not all weddings are the same.

Talk to her about the rehearsal dinner, and that's it. Don't bring up wedding stuff with her. It's really none of her business. Weddings can bring out the worst in people. I'm lucky that my FH's family is very chill and not getting involved, because I don't need the extra opinions. You don't either. I'm sure you did (and probably still do) have a great relationship with them, sometimes discussing details can jeopardize that by opening the door up to trouble

I definitely understand how it is to have a confusing relationship with your FMIL. Before we got engaged, my FMIL loved me and we got along well! But when we got engaged, stuff hit the fan. One moment I’m her “daughter” (she has two boys) and the next moment I shouldn’t be marrying my FH because I don’t love him for who he is (because I fuss when he grabs my face with his greesy hands after working on cars- he’s a mechanic) it’s so frustrating and upsetting. But honestly I’m starting to learn that weddings just bring the worst out in everyone for some crazy reason. I’m even having major conflicts with my own mother who I am extremely close with and never used to fight with. So I am just holding on to the hope that it will all just blow over and go back to “normal” after the wedding. Plus, once we are married, we both leave our parents and we are forced to be on our own. Not being dependent on your family at all makes it a lot harder for them to impose their unwanted opinions or requests on you... just hold on girl and don’t let her get to you.

I would stop including her in wedding plans at all, she isn't productive or helping you. And if she does anything outright mean to you or your family or says anything to your fiance, he needs to stand up for you and tell her to stop or she won't be invited.

"Traditionally," the parents of the groom pay for the marriage license, officiant's fee, corsages, boutonnieres, the bride's bouquet, groomsmen gifts, liquor, and the reception DJ, band or other musical entertainment. Remind her of that. Other than that, "traditionally," the groom's parents don't get a say.

View Quoted Comment THANK YOU!!!!!! That’s what I want to say every time she says “traditionally”

View Quoted Comment This is exactly what I had to say to my grandmother! I was talking about trying to do our rehearsal dinner in a cost-effective way and she said “well traditionally the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner” and I said “well traditionally the brides family pays for the wedding but we are paying for everything ourselves and tradition is out the door. It’s 2018” LOL

You need to tell her what your and your fiancé’s vision is and ask her to accommodate that since it is y’all a day after all... I went through basically the same thing you are going through with my fiancé’s parents. It’s so aggravating. Even recently I had talk to them and remind them that this is our day and our wedding and they will have to accept that it’s not about them. I didn’t say that exact verbiage but in a nicer/stern way. On another note these days both families should split all costs considering how expensive weddings are... leave this part of the conversation to your parents to talk to his parents about since they handle the money gifting part. ask them to handle it so you can breathe

Out of curiosity, how did the who pays for the wedding conversation go? Who brought it up?