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Andrea
Super May 2020

Future sil advice

Andrea, on January 27, 2020 at 1:09 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 20
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When my fiancé and I got engaged about a year ago my future sil was married to an awful man and barely part of the family. She was extremely mean and rude to me and everyone else in the family no matter how hard we all tried. Now, she is going through a divorce and I suppose being a little nicer (not really) and she expressed months ago when I asked my 3 best friends to be bridesmaids and my sil (brothers wife) to be my maid of honor, that she was upset she was left out and should have been a bridesmaid. My fiancé and I agreed absolutely not, and I thought we were done with it.
She’s upset now that my brother is walking me down the aisle (my dad passed away) and my sil is the moh and she’s nothing (i do have a 1/2 brother who is only a guest too so it’s not like she’s the only family member without a “job”) She asked at Christmas to do a reading, we told her and the family that there aren’t any readings to do. I’ve conceded to almost everything my fiancé’s family has asked, even though we are paying for everything. Now tonight my fiancé’s parents ask again why Stacey can’t do a reading, and I’m just so over it that I have my fiancé say the real truth which is we have no relationship with her, she’s been very mean to me, and we just don’t see her being in our wedding. Now everyone is upset. His family is a constant argument between my fiancé and I and I just don’t know what to do anymore. My fiancé is mad that I “made” him say that, future in laws are mad so super long story capped up real quick...What the heck can I have his sister do at the wedding so she is “included”??? If I don’t let her do something, I will never hear the end of it. I’d rather give in than have his mom bring it up to me every time I see her (and she will). It’s too late to make her a bridesmaid (wedding is 5/2) we don’t have ushers so I don’t want her to be the one random usher. Is a reading really my only option??? Help! And thanks for reading my whole rant 💗💗💗

20 Comments

Latest activity by Andrea, on January 28, 2020 at 9:44 PM
  • Sarah
    Savvy September 2020
    Sarah ·
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    Stacey can pass the guest book around. It was my role at my aunt’s wedding lol.
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  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
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    Haha our “guest book” is a drop box of hearts so that’s not gonna work Future sil advice 1

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  • Sarah
    Savvy September 2020
    Sarah ·
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    I hate to say it, but you may have to make her a reader. To make it less awkward, maybe have 2 or 3 readings, and hers could be last. Choose people who are kind to be the other two.
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  • Sharon
    Savvy February 2020
    Sharon ·
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    Why is it too late for her to be a bridesmaid?
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  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
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    Because I asked my maid of honor In April of 2019, a couple days after we got engaged and asked my girls this past summer. Asking now end of January would feel and look incredibly inauthentic.
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  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
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    I didn’t think about having a couple readers, that’s not a bad idea. We wanted a short ceremony but there is seriously nothing else for her to do. Thanks!
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  • Maggie
    Super April 2020
    Maggie ·
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    She can be a flower girl! I’ve seen adults be the flower girl and it’s honestly kinda cool. She doesn’t have to throw flower petals or anything, it can be blowing bubbles, holding a sign saying “here comes the bride” or just walking down with a different bouquet. You can have her be a greeter and help people find their seats at the reception. If you’re religious at all, she can do a quick prayer/ blessing over the food before the food is served. She can help whoever is hosting your bridal shower.


    Don’t have her be a bridesmaid, schema not close enough to either of you and that is a privilege.
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  • Dierdra
    Super August 2021
    Dierdra ·
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    She could pass out programs?

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  • Andrea
    Dedicated May 2021
    Andrea ·
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    Just throwing it out there because I don't know if this would be out of the question, but maybe invite her out to brunch and have a heart to heart with her. Explain why you didn't think she'd want to be a part of your day based on her past behavior toward you, and find out if she is truly sorry for that. Provide her with an opportunity to be a part of your day--perhaps give her options that seem acceptable to you if you don't want her to be stuck on doing a reading.
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  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
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    I completely understand why you didn't ask her to be in the wedding in the first place and don't want her to be in it now, but given all the discussion and attempts to pressure you, asking her to do anything is pretty much guaranteed to be "inauthentic" at this point. Everyone knows how you feel about having her in the wedding, regardless of what you ask her to do now, it's pretty obvious you're doing it because his family is basically demanding it. If this is such a big deal with FH's family, why doesn't he ask her to be a groomswoman and stand up with him? Other than that or going ahead and asking her to be a BM, I'm not sure how any other "made up" job makes this better. SIL's sister never had any desire to be in the wedding, but she sat in the front row (between his divorced and not talking parents) and held two long-stemmed roses and brought them up to the B&G for them to give to each other's mother's during the ceremony. That's a "made-up" job if ever I heard of one.... Good luck!

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  • Kendra
    Devoted August 2020
    Kendra ·
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    Honestly, I would stick to your guns and not have her be a part of it. You're the only one who can weigh the pros and cons though. I don't know your family. I just know it would make it super hard on me to have someone in my wedding that had been hateful to me.

    My FH has a SIL who neither of us can stand. She is nasty to FH's older brother and has left me in tears after talking to her. I refuse to have her be part of the day other than a guest. She can be in pictures but it will be few because we aren't sure how long the marriage will last. I stopped telling her anything about the wedding because she would always make me feel like I wasn't doing it right. Thankfully I haven't gotten any issues from the family, but I know this isn't helping her like me at all.


    Some people are just toxic and that's not going to make my wedding day feel good. I guess you may need to really sit down with your FH and talk it through. You need to be a team on this or it's going to continue to be an issue. Good luck!!

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    This 💯 percent.


    I support you with a virtual “ugh!” And a 🤗.
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  • Krista
    Dedicated April 2020
    Krista ·
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    You have her light some candles? And maybe have someone from your side light some candles so if “feels balanced” as the first thing that happens to open the event? Like two people walk down and the the candles then the grandparents and family get escorted down?
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  • Katie
    Savvy May 2020
    Katie ·
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    Some people have “honorary bridesmaids” who are mentioned in programs (separately from the true bridesmaids) and are given roles such as welcoming the guests and passing out the programs. You can get her a wrist corsage or something along those lines to distinguish her from a normal guest but she would not speak or stand up with you in the ceremony, be announced in the reception or be a part of getting ready that morning (because she would be busy greeting). It is meant to be a place of honor for individuals who cannot participate fully as a bridesmaid (due to reasons such as cost or geographical distance) but it could work well to appease your future family
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  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
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    If she lived in the area I would 100% do this. We are in IL, she is in the DC area.
    We’ve actually only been around eachother for 3 week long Christmas trips and 3 birthday/summer/holiday vacations with my fiancé’s family, all about a week long and all FILLED with drama
    I feel like i need to call her and say something, after the conversation with his parents last night I know his mom will call her today and tell her we hate her and that’s why she can’t be in the wedding (my fiancé’s mom and sister are equally impossible to deal with) but I don’t want to make it worse. But i also don’t want to keep giving over more and more of my wedding ☹️ It’s just an all over bad situation
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  • Joanna
    Dedicated October 2020
    Joanna ·
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    I am so sorry to read this. This is a tough position for you to be in.


    I agree with one of the previous posters, that she could be a "honorary bridesmaid" who passes out programs, greets guests, and is your go to person while getting ready. If not that, then you might have to go with a reading. The reading could be from Shakespeare if you are not religious. This might be one of those moments where you "pick your battles" and this may not be one of those battles to fight any longer.


    Also, I don't like that your FH turned around and blamed you for him telling the truth. It is his sister, and you should not be the only one defending your decisions as a couple.


    Good luck!

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  • Samantha
    Dedicated April 2021
    Samantha ·
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    I say stick to your guns. This is your guys' wedding.


    I'm kind of in the same boat as you, my FH has a SIL that we're both not huge fans of so we're not having her involved in the wedding at all. Shes been very rude to us in the past and still is now. At first it was awkward because she was upset and it still can be awkward sometimes, but I'm glad we stuck to our guns and didnt have her involved.

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  • Cherry
    Expert February 2020
    Cherry ·
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    Yeah that bit about FH being upset that she "made" him tell the truth left a bitter taste in my mouth as well. Not sure why the two can't be on the same team and stick to their guns. OP, you need his support with this now, and you will need each others' support in the future. Hopefully you're talking to him as well, and not just SIL.

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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Have her greet guests and guard the gift table. I don't think I'd give her a role in the ceremony. I think having her be a groomswoman is a good idea too
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  • Andrea
    Super May 2020
    Andrea ·
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    I totally agree that’s what made me the most upset, when we aren’t on the same team going up against his family. It’s our only issue, but it’s a big big issue
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