Future Sister in Law Help

I don't see how FMIL can be upset with you and FH over not including FSIL in the wedding, when in fact you did. That is total BS.

It sounds like she is going through something. This type of behavior changes is not normal. I would try and have a conversation in person with her but not because anybody else wants you to, but because you want to. You guys used to get along and you do have a future with each other as family, and I think it's important to give the benefit of the doubt but just as important to not let yourself get steamrolled by this woman to appease FH family.

Sit down with her and tell her how much you love and care about her and don't understand where this has come from. Open the floor for her and put all anger aside so all she sees is concern. If then she still treats you like garbage, know when to walk away. If you and FH trust her husband, have FH sit down with her husband and express his concern (without you present, as it seems for whatever reason you are the issue to her).

It's all mind boggling to me. I really appreciate this, thank you. I wanted to do in person, but she lives a couple of states away (my fiance and I moved right after we got engaged, and part of me wonders if that stirred something, but they won't admit it...that we put distance between them unintentionally, we just moved because it was a really great opportunity, not because we wanted to move away from family).

I so agree that the behavior is beyond not normal. Unfortunately, FSL's husband is apparently just as upset with us as she is (and has also taken turns calling me horrible names and screaming at me when I said that I couldn't include her anymore based on how she was acting towards me- that was when my fiance said enough you're not to come to the wedding).

Maybe I try to find a time to FaceTime her or something, unless there happens to be a time I travel back that way to talk to her and express that I'm just concerned and I want to hear her out. I had asked her during the second fight had I done anything that upset her or offend her because I really wanted to make it right- and I said it genuinely, I wasn't fighting back. And she just said she didn't like me. So it's all really confusing and upsetting. I can let it go if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, but it's the fact that she and I got along so well and that she included me as her bridesmaid, then all of the sudden when my FH and I get engaged, she turns into this. It's all so weird. I feel so bad for my FH and am trying my best to patch this up because I want him to have a relationship with his family, but he said no matter what he chooses me (which makes me feel really guilty because I feel like I'm the reason this rift exists and everyone is so mad even though I have no clue what I did to cause this anger towards me from them).

Thank you though, I really am going to try to find an opportunity to speak with her in person. Hopefully I can, and I know that I can approach it from a place of concern rather than hurt and anger to see if I can get a breakthrough. Maybe honestly, she needs to speak with someone professionally just for some help, but I know I'm not the right person to suggest it.

That's just so sad. I am the same way, I can't just let it go if someone doesn't like me. It sounds like you've already tried really hard to mend things, so I would facetime her one more time and try and press as to what you have done to her to make you feel this way. I think it's important that she sees the emotion on your face rather than just through the phone you know? If she still can't give you a real reason and doesn't want to work through it...I mean, you will have to move on without her.

I feel like she has definitely already acted to horribly to you that you can walk away NOW, but it's clear you want to save this relationship--I would too! It does seem like she needs professional help, because even if this is all about you and FH moving, that's such a severe overreaction it does not make any sense. I'm interested on how this convo goes whenever you have it, feel free to share if you need a place to vent. Rooting for you

From what you've said, my best guess would be you guys moving triggered something and now FSIL is projecting her feelings about him leaving onto you/ your relationship/ your wedding. I went through something similar with a family member when I left home.

Do you think having your fiancé reach out to his mom to explain things and try to understand what's going on would help? Or even an aunt or someone close to the situation but not directly involved? This definitely sounds like it's coming out of nowhere on your FSIL's part. If your FMIL is still upset about her daughter not being included, I'd just explain what happened, that you tried to work things out, and that FSIL wasn't interested in repairing the relationship. It sounds like she's at least aware that your FSIL had acted out if your FMIL made her apologize to you. Hoping this works out in the end ❤

Thank you so much for the help, truly. I ended up connecting with my fiancé's dad just to see if he had any insight as to why this was all happening because she wouldn't give me anything, and had an amazing talk with him. He's fully aware of how she's been acting and has no clue why she's doing it (didn't take her side, which I was really grateful for. He seems as confused by all of this as my fiance and I). Funny enough, his mom then reached out to me to apologize for everything, and that she fully supports me. Still no idea why his sister is acting like this but at least I now know his family is supporting me, and it's just his sister and her husband acting obscene and bizarre.

At this point, I guess none of us can force her to see something she doesn't want to see. I told her my door is always open, but she doesn't want to talk to me. For whatever reason, she's decided not to like me at this point, and I guess I'm just going to have to trust that it's nothing I've done (because I've given her several times to share if I've hurt her unknowingly), and not use the wedding to solve her issues. Oof 😢

I'm wondering that too, or that she has some possessive feelings over her brother (my fiance). I was just thinking on it, and honestly FSIL didn't say a word to me at the engagement party, which I guess I didn't note at the time because it was both of our extended families so I was a bit overwhelmed, but she didn't come up to me once. I doubt she'll be willing to admit those feelings, but it's just weird to have all of this flip on a dime like this. I spoke with FFIL, which helped a ton. I didn't come at it that I was angry, just that I wanted to know what I could do to change this and felt concerned for her. He said he was just as confused as to why she was acting this way too and told me that if my fiancé and I decide that the FSIL and her husband can come (my fiance told FSIL not to come to the wedding after a few choice words her and her husband screamed at me when it was just a discussion), that he would ensure nothing happened and that he supported us no matter what.

I'm going to just give her some space. I had said in our last exchange my door will always be open, so she knows, if she's wants to talk I will. But I guess at this point I just put it out of my head and try to just focus on the happier parts. I just hate this feeling that we're starting our joining of families and someone already hates me but I've got no clue what I did. It's just weird and upsetting. But that's my own issue! I need to care less what others think if they act like this!

The last paragraph of this post is genius. That's the best, best way to approach this. Your wedding is not a forum for her to sort her issues out. I would legit "grey rock" her. Don't respond emotionally or angrily because that will give her more ammo for whatever she's choosing to do right now. As long as your FI is supporting you, that's all that matters. I really wonder if there's something amiss with her health or something, but clearly this isn't about you. I'm sorry it's happening.

That's great to hear that your FFIL seems to be understanding about the position you're in. It sounds like you've handled this as well as possible, so hopefully that at least won you some brownie points with your fiancé's parents. And who knows, maybe your FSIL will come around in the end. Hope everything looks up from here!