Future sister in law

If you aren't close to her and neither is FH, I wouldn't include her in anything.

If she doesn't even acknowledge you as her brother's future wife, I wouldn't include her in anything.

I personally wouldn't involve her in the wedding at all. Your nearest and dearest should be a part of your special day, not someone that clearly has no respect for you. She can be a guest. Trust me! You do not want anymore drama than what's expected from wedding planning.

Maybe she will realize sooner or later that if she was nice to you and more welcoming, she would be more involved in the wedding.

Don't include her!! I had issues with my sister in law causing drama with my MOH during the shower and bachelorette planning. They weren't small issues either, she accused my cousin of trying to steal money from her and hijacking the bachelorette planning when I picked the date, etc. I saw everything that SIL said via text and it made my stomach turn. Then the night of the rehearsal dinner and after the wedding she complained to their step sister who didn't attend about me and saying terrible things about our wedding which step sister then posted online. This all happened last year and I've spoken to her once since, and yes she did apologize somewhat (blamed it on anxiety). Also, she's now a bridesmaid in another family wedding and is doing the same things, so it's more my SIL than the brides to be. Take it from someone who was being nice, do not include her at all. Your future sister in law will try to do everything in her power to try and skew what you want.

My thoughts are this: It's a bit early to be asking your bridal party. I would wait on that until you are 8-9 months out. Next, I think you should only ask your nearest and dearest to be a part of your bridal party. As for your FSIL, NO, do not give her any role in the wedding. This is all based on what you just laid out--her treatment of you, the way she speaks about you to people, including FH. She can be a guest, like everyone else. She has no right to expect any more than that. The more involved you let her be, the more she'll make YOUR wedding about her. You don't want that, so keep contact minimal, and don't give her a role in your wedding. That's like saying you don't mind that she treats you like crap, or like some outsider not worthy of her family's love. Whatever.

If she makes a big deal about not being in the bridal party, you probably won't hear or know anything about that. She'll complain to her people, and that will be that. But imagine if you do give her some small role (thinking that would tamp down any potential complaining on her part). I fear what will happen is exactly what you are trying to avoid--her making your wedding all about her. She will try, and you will suffer for it. Imagine having to deal with her for the next year!! Right now, she's not a part of anything, so you don't have to deal with her that much probably. If you give her a role, that will change dramatically, and I doubt you will like the result. You don't want to do something that later you will regret.

Like everyone else is saying, I wouldn’t!!! She can make a big deal all she wants but imagine she makes things about her on your wedding day?? Or any wedding activities??? I’ve seen so many posts in here about people regretting asking certain people to be part of their wedding party or any other roles.. good luck !

Megan,

Congrats! And this is about you and your FH. You need people around you to make this stress free as much as possible. Leave her where she is and keep it moving.

I SO understand. My FSIL can't stand me, she used to send me nasty notes on messenger. Really!! But she loves her brother and she swears she loves me. NOT! SO, she is getting invited to our wedding and sitting as far away from me as possible at dinner. 😉 And she won't be allowed in the bridal suite while I'm getting ready. I don't want to deal with her on my wedding day. I'll smile in any pics with her, but that's it. I'll be polite.

I don’t think you should worry about her reaction. She’s a narcissist, she will be unhappy whether you include her or not. If you include her in any aspect of the wedding planning she will just try to find excuses to talk to you and make you nervous so she can get the satisfaction of knowing you’re thinking about her.

My aunt (Dad’s sister) is the same way, trust me. She told my mom, who walked with a limp at the time she and my dad met, that she and her father were concerned about her “genetic material contaminating” the family tree. Then when my parents got married, mom invited her to be a bridesmaid and my aunt announced to her that she wouldn’t get a new dress for the wedding because she didn’t think it was that important. Her own brother’s wedding. Nice, right? Now, 35 years later, she’s learned some social skills and is a floral designer. We couldn’t decide if we wanted to deal with inviting her or not, and if we did invite her, did we want to use her for the flowers? We bit the bullet and asked her to do them. They’ll be gorgeous, but the entire process has been about her artistic genius, never mind that I picked the color scheme and some of the flowers, and she’s been calling me several times a week with the most minute updates. She emailed me telling me her phone broke so if I needed to get in touch with her I should call her landline. Thank God for small miracles.

All of which is to say, why bother with the hassle that unhappy and controlling people will bring to your wedding planning and married life? After the wedding, you and FH can talk about how you want to approach your relationship with her, what boundaries you want to set, and how close you want her to be with any potential children (chances are she’ll talk smack about you and FH in front of them). But for now? Don’t bother. And enjoy your wedding!

View Quoted Comment Dude, I so get this. I’m putting my aunt at the back of the room out of spite. I told my dad that and he seemed hurt but I’m so over it. She went wildly over budget despite the flowers being her “gift.” Sigh. It’s very hard to deal with people who are determined to be unhappy.

View Quoted Comment So she went "widly" over budget, yet you and FH have to pay for her " gift?" I'm so sorry for your Dad because he obviously loves his sister, but she and my FSIL are toxic. Please block all negativity out on your wedding day.

I would not include her. My FSIL tends to make everything about her and she becomes easily stressed out; we decided early on not to have in the bridal party. We have her 2 daughters as FGs but that's it. I'm glad we did it this way, I found out she was bad mouthing my plans and the date we selected even. She has also stated i have made up my allergies to cats and Christmas trees so she is a ball of joy most days! But no do not include her if you do not feel close to her.

I agree with PP about not including at all! If she cant even respect you enough to use your name and consider you as her brothers wife then she does not deserve any part in the wedding.

Sigh. My FSIL sounds a lot like yours. She's not a bridesmaid.

The discussion of bachelor/bachelorette parties came up and I got a novel from her via text (we were just together... don't know why she couldn't pull me aside and talk in person) about how hurt her feelings were that I didn't invite her. How she felt excluded. How she invited all her fiance's family to hers because it's the "right thing to do". I had to politely remind her she did NOT invite me on her bachelorette trip. But, then I just invited her. Sometimes, you have to choose your battles.

No, I did not include her as a bridesmaid and I will not be changing that decision. But letting her come on a beach vacation to feel included and not make my life with my in-laws a living hell? That my friends, is a small price to pay for years of peace!!!!

Do what you feel comfortable with because this is your day. I personally would not include her for all the reasons you stated (I'm in a dilemma with my own future SIL too so you're not alone). My compromise (hopefully) is that my SIL will do a reading that she chooses.

As for picking bridesmaids, pick who you can trust.

Do not invite her into the wedding process. Then you'll have to deal with her more than just moaning about not being included. She can leave her nonsense at the door thank you very much.

Absolutely not. Not after what you wrote. You’d be 1) accepting the way she treats you, 2) inviting drama since she seems prone to it. Hard no.

Don't do anything with her. One of my fiance's sisters said she hated me. Fiance didn't forget that and she was told to be glad she's invited at all.
If she complains give her a little task like greeting people so she can bask in attention and get out of your way.

The less you include her, the better.

My FSIL (brother's fiancee) is the same way. If it's not about her -or for her- she'll pout. She's not in my wedding party, she didn't come along for dress shopping, she's not invited to my shower or bachelorette party. She's going to be at the rehearsal dinner and wedding and that's only because of my brother.

Are you having a religious ceremony? Could she do a reading?

However, you do not have to include her at all, especially if you worry she'll make it about her.