Getting over resentment

I am so sorry, Michelle. That’s an awful way to feel about your wedding. I have a few wedding resentments over things my husband didn’t want to compromise on and honestly time is the only thing that’s helped. If you otherwise have a strong relationship, I’d count on these feelings fading.

I can't speak to this specific type of resentment since I had a very small and simple wedding, but I know that resentment can kill relationships and can be very difficult to recover from. Since it often stems from communication issues (or one partner who bottles everything up to avoid conflict), it sounds like you two should look into couples counseling as soon as possible to address what's underneath the resentment. If he won't go, go alone.

I am so sorry you are feeling this way about your wedding, but I can see where you would feel resentment that planning such an event for your husband caused you so much frustration. Obviously the first big step is acknowledging these feelings. Since the actually wedding day was based on your husband’s vision, I think a future honeymoon should be focused on your vision of an elopement. It can be a vow renewal and have elements that you would have chosen for your big day, whether it be certain attire, photos, etc.. I think having a “wedding” experience that focuses on your vision will help get rid of the resentment and negative feelings you have about your original wedding. Going forward, getting rid of your resentment and feeling like you are also satisfied will hopefully lead to being able to compromise and work together as a couple to prevent these situations and feelings in the future.

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I agree, I think this sounds like a lovely idea.

And, has your husband ever acknowledged all the work that went into creating his vision, ever apologised for pushing all of that on you etc? Have you ever told him how hard it was and that not only did he seem appreciative but in fact seemed to EXPECT it?

I would tell him he needs to apologise, and that he's going to be responsible for planning our honeymoon, with multiple activities that YOU choose, good restaurants, etc, as soon as border closures open to show you that he DOES fully understand and appreciate what it involved.

Your problem isn't the wedding. Your problem is all the emotional labor you're taking on. Stop being his secretary, his treasurer, his event planner.


He doesn't know the names of his friends' kids? Then his friends don't get holiday cards. He wants a party a certain way? He needs to understand the budget and be an equal partner in planning.
He doesn't get to coast along in life while you do all the grunt work. You're enabling his weaponized incompetence. You should get individual therapy to learn why you're being his doormat, how to stop doing so, then consider couples counseling

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Nah, I've never been a doormat. But, I would say if he was a member of my staff, he would've been fired for incompetence a while ago. My husband never had a birthday party and I knew I could throw a lavish NY wedding in that short of time. I didn't expect wedding decision fatigue, him being spoiled, or my depression from family loss to continue. I'm going to finally celebrate my 23% pay raise and go on a trip without him.

Thank you all for your suggestions. I have a couple weeks to finish a few personal goals: finish a book, learn a new sport, drink less wine. As for our honeymoon, hopefully warmer weather and more COVID-safety locations are in our collective futures. I will pick the destination (California summer!), and he can plan the details.