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Expert September 2020

Give me the strength ww

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Emily, on August 29, 2020 at 12:00 AM

Trigger warnings: Racism and politics - turn back while you're ahead or buckle up.

I'm 14 days from my wedding, and just trying to maintain my sanity with my family - specifically my dad and his wife. Pops has known my partner for quite a long time (8+ years) and they get along fine enough. In the early days Pops was fairly explicitly racist (not n word level but like "does he know his dad" level), which led me to skip out on holidays and gatherings for a few years.My flipping partner convinced me to reach out the olive branch since it was making it hard on my brother to negotiate holidays with my niece and nephew. Fine, we're civil enough and we just leave it to surface level.Fast forward to proposal, and at first I was adamant we aren't taking any of that man's $ for this. Then he gave me this spiel that I'm his only daughter and I'm taking something from him. He writes a fat check and said use for a down payment or a wedding, didn't matter to him. We accepted and have tried to include him/ consult before major things as a courtesy - invited a list of his friends, yadda yadda.But a few months ago I asked him if he considered that my partner would be part of his family after we're married (not even that he's been around for 10 yrs already). I wanted us to do a part of the ceremony where his family accepts me and Pops accepts Lamont. I asked him to consider how a lot of his rhetoric (at the dinner table and FB) may indicate he doesn't understand what it would mean to love and support a black son. He said he likes Lamont and he's "one of the good ones" (siiiiigh with his old racist crap) - I told him maybe zoom out and think on that some more and how that may be hurtful to us. He has only gotten worse up to now. I told him I scrapped the acceptance piece of the ceremony - I wasn't looking for lip service.
Someone out there convince me that I shouldn't cut all of Pop's participation - I'm ready to be like I'll walk myself and cancel dancing with him. He can sit, but put on your mask so I can just ignore him. I am so sorry that others are probably going through even worse versions of this. Luckily my brother got an education and tried to use it, so we're both not as dumb as the tree we feel from.

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30 Comments

Devoted September 2020
Marabeth · on August 29, 2020 at 11:19 AM
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This broke my heart. I can’t even imagine how she would think it’s to post racist things while being apart of your family. People baffle me.
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Super March 2021
Kimberly · on August 29, 2020 at 12:30 PM
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So I was 100% behind you until the “shocker the old white guy is racist”. I’m sorry but this is also a racist point of view. So it is actually on both sides, not just your dad. With that being said it does sound like your partner wants you to make your choice as it is your father. If you don’t feel your dad is truly in support of your marriage and partner than I would ask him to simply be a guest at the wedding and not a participate. I also agree that if you and your partner are planning to have children that could be the turning point for your dad. Seeing those beautiful babies could change his heart and no matter his age change him for the better. I say give him that chance but also know that it may not and you may have to make some difficult choices in the future to protect your family.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on August 29, 2020 at 12:36 PM
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Follow your gut. Your guests should be fully supportive of you and your relationship. If that is too much for them, they don't get an invite and they don't need to be part of your lives. It doesn't matter if it's family or not when they make the decision to be spiteful.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 29, 2020 at 12:40 PM
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I should clarify in how we mean the surprise comment.

I'd compare it to going to Wendy's - if you enter into it with a pretty low bar, you're probably not shocked when that's about what you get. I don't know too many people who would expect the best burger of their life, but goodness if you did get an A+ burger there you'd probably be super impressed. 😂 So when I do encounter older white Americans who appear to have a "more modern" view on racial equality, I'm more impressed because there was probably a shift in their lifetime. But when I encounter the ones that still have their pre-Civil Rights mindset I can't say I'm shocked.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on August 29, 2020 at 9:04 PM
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Hi Emily, I’m so sorry you and your fiancé are going through this as wedding planning itself is hard enough as it is. I commend how mature you and your husband to be are with this situation and breaking the cycle for yourselves and for future generations. Everyone has a family member that has issues of one kind or another so you are not alone. You and your fiancé know the situation best and of course whatever you decide I’m sure will be the best course of action, but in my experience bigotry, hate, etc. is overcome with love. If you decide to still include your dad, your dad will see this is a happy wedding that you both were so mature to include him in, despite his unfortunate point of view. Your dad would have nothing bad to say if you lovingly include him and teach him by your example of what inclusion and love really looks like. Sometimes loving someone when they may not deserve it is the best education. Stay strong!! ❤️❤️❤️
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VIP August 2020
· on August 30, 2020 at 12:21 AM
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Lamont sounds very patient, and it's great that you have such a supportive partner. You probably know how much time you can spend with your father without the conversation venturing away from small talk. I think it's good that you still plan to invite him, but think about how much you can really handle speaking with him that day. The walk down the aisle isn't very long, is usually silent, and doesn't really require practice, so if you're feeling moderately patient, maybe you could do that but skip the dance?

I'm not personally going through this, but my parents are an interracial couple who got married in the 80s and went through a similar situation (my dad's parents kind of acted like they didn't have an issue with it, but made racist comments, my dad wasn't super patient with them, but my mom felt it was important to include the families). At my wedding a few weeks ago, my extremely unfiltered grandmother decided to make an impromptu speech. She started by saying, "when M told us that he was dating P, and we saw that she was Black, I said, "okay?"" and I think most of us were holding our breath to see how it would end. She described how a few other people with different backgrounds were added to the family and she continued to react by saying, "okay?" But by the time she started to wrap up, she said, "and then we met Joe [my husband]. And Joe is Jewish." And then she said something about how, now, the whole world is represented in her family, "and isn't that a beautiful thing." And it ended up being really nice.
I don't know if it's comforting to hear that someone was able to get past their racism over the course of 36 years, but I thought I'd share in case it is.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 30, 2020 at 6:41 AM
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Yes, his patience is honestly one of the qualities I admire most in him. We discussed it, and Lamont basically said the same he has for years at Christmas. It's one day, and he's not even the point of the day - so don't let him ruin it for you. So I'll go with the plan and try to have my own patience.

That toast from your grandmother sounds wonderful, but lol I know the feeling of holding your breath! I get that while others might have gone "whoa" at her speech, you can see the progress in it. I feel like that's kind of where a lot of my family is.
My own grandma (94!!) used to refer to black people as "the blacks" or "colored" - not with anger in her voice, but still in ignorance. I was worried about the first meeting, but she absolutely loves him (even though she legit called us out for "living in sin" for so long LOL). She's noticed the good things where Pops has not, and every time I call her she goes "and you tell Lamont I love him, okay?" and it is the cutest thing that has ever happened. There can be hope.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 30, 2020 at 5:23 PM
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Whelp I think I just broke my mature stretch. I woke up from a nap to see him posting disrespectful racist crap *on Lamont's post about racial equality* and I lost it.
I called him and screamed at him, some of it incoherent, probably for 4 minutes and then hung up on him.
We'll see how all that pans out.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on August 31, 2020 at 4:07 AM
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*hugs*
I'm sorry. That's a major line crossed, and maybe it would be best if you hid your social media from him... at the *very* least.
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Expert September 2020
Emily · on August 31, 2020 at 6:34 AM
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Yeah, it's a poop show. Gracias for the virtual hug. I've blocked him on FB for a while, but I think it's not my place to request my partner to block him.
Lamont doesn't seek out or antagonize him, but his logic is that all the people we know with differing views (including Pops) may honestly never see or hear other information. So he doesn't want to cut off that avenue to potentially inform or open people's world views.
I think it's admirable, but I guess sometimes you're going to get dumb people posting very well thought out arguments against racial equality. My brother's been alerted that he may be on deck for the walk. So we'll play it by ear. ✌️
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