Grandma doesnt want to come to wedding

Do you have a not so close relationship with her side of the family if they all declined? How is your relationship with her personally?

Oh no, I can definitely understabd your hurt and frustration. Unfortunately, no one will care about a wedding as much as the nuptials.

Is she/her family concerned about COVID? What is she concerned about regarding the cousin?

I know that one of my grandmothers is quite concerned about COVID, but is still coming. We made it very clear in our invitations/on our website that we do not want to make anyone uncomfortable and totally understand if they decline.

We scaled things down a ton and are taking a lot of precautions, including not having the grandparents in the processional.

View Quoted Comment She and my grandpa Bob babysat quite a but and were over at their house every other day until my step dad rejoined the military. So my extended family isnt as close but as I've moved back to the area I have tried reconnecting. I ve had a good relationship with her.

View Quoted Comment My cousin has autism and is 25 she has taken guardianship of him. So all of our conversations usually involve her being concerned which I do understand but in some cases wish she would listen for a minute. She has not stated so and while I understand for many of our guest not being able to come due to covid but I thought my grandparents would at least be there.

I have lupus was diagnosed in January so there are quite a bit of measures taken to make it safer than the average wedding. Since I dont want to catch it as well as my 92 year old grandfather walking me down the aisle.

I would have a very specific conversation with her about COVID. Don’t discuss anything about your wedding, just find out her honest level of comfort being in public and in groups of people right now. I suspect that’s what’s really going on, but she may not want to tell you that’s the reason because she doesn’t want to disappoint you. I would certainly understand that at her age and all the signs point to it (i.e. leaving a party early, not wanting to go shopping, bring non-committal about attendance, discomfort attending a restaurant). Maybe you can work out a virtual solution that will still allow her to see you get married that she is comfortable with.

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Hmmmm have you sat down with her and asked her why she does not want to be involved or come?

Thinking you need to talk to her about why she doesn’t want to go. Not about the cost but what her issues are.

Grandparents usually don’t wear tuxes. I’d let your grandpa wear a suit unless you are paying for the tux.

My grandma didn't want all eyes on her, so she asked to be seated before the parents, not as part of the processional (she was later unable to come, but that was a separate circumstance). So, maybe she doesn't want people looking at her being pushed in her chair? I agree with the others, just let grampa wear pants and a shirt - unless you're having a black tie event.

My grandma isnt in a wheelchair she stated that she wouldn't be able to make it down the aisle and my grandfather reply was he would push her down it in a wheel chair then. It is a suit my bad I offered to pay for both of their outfits. It is a formal wedding ceremony at a large catholic cathedral.

If formal is not actual black tie for all guests there, and black tie level dinner service and all, and it is the wedding party not every guest who will be in tuxes, then there is no need for your family to wear that level of formality. Family who are being escorted to seats are not part of the wedding. That is the last part of seating, not the processional. And mothers who may be escorted down front to their seats with their husband or SO immediately behind, or grandparents, are always able to select any clothing they wish. It is never up to the bride. They are not props for your pictures. If your grandparents want to wear anything dressy enough that it would be what they would wear for church, that is fine. Since being last to be seated is intended as an honor, if they do not want it, it does not happen. You seem to mistake older family, who always have the right to decide for themselves, with attendants, the participants in your ceremony, whose clothes you may select, and who you may direct what to do while in the church. My mom and MOG wanted to be seated early on, to enjoy the decorated silent seating area, then sit where they could see people as they enter, a not uncommon choice. That is fine. Do not follow what you see on TV or read here as a directions of how the wedding must go. The point of special seating is to bestow an honor. But it is never an honor to be told to do something you do not want to do. Tell your grandparents, and the usher or escort, that as soon as they arrive at the back of the church, the escort or usher will take them to their seats. Done. The greater honor to these elders is to do what makes them comfortable and happy. 🙂 At their age, often large groups feel like chaos, with mild or more losses in hearing or vision, and a little frailty makes it uncomfortable to stand long. By the way grandfather was saying she could go by wheelchair if necessary, my guess is he often takes the role of joshing and clearly making it known he will see she is taken care of, reassuring her, and also passively saying to his wife, he really wants to go. If you feed into that, and realize making a little fuss about things not routine, is likely something grandma does a lot now, you can relax. She and he may say, I do not know if I will go, but they are mixing that with choosing what to wear, and how to enter the church. In their minds, they are coming. But grandmother's nature now is to worry and fuss. If talking to her, and saying you will have someone to seat them whenever they want, reassures her, offer that. Separately, talk to grampa, and ask if they are all set, or if he would like someone to take a set of clothes to be cleaned and pressed a week or two ahead, and do that if it helps. You may be disappointed your aunts and uncles and cousins are not coming. Those are their children, and they are likely feeling lost, going to a family thing with them not there. Is someone in charge of driving them there? These things being talked about may be reassuring more than you know to them, at this point. I hope they are coming, and you have a great day! This likely does mean a lot to them. Do not take age related fussing and worrying to be directed at you. It is not. It is talking herself through every stressful thing, grandma style, that is all.

If she has guardianship of your autistic cousin, maybe that's the issue. If he would not handle the wedding and she would have to find other care for him, she may be overwhelmed at that responsibility or possibly trying to deal with him at the wedding is her issue.

You aren't going to know unless you have an honest conversation with her or your grandfather.

View Quoted Comment I never dictated what they had to wear. I asked grandma to go shopping with us to spend time together and find her something comfortable and nice with the wedding colors. My only request was the men wear a suit for photos and the ladies of my immediate family meaning her wear one of the wedding colors for family pictures. My seating of the mothers and grandparents are actually the first ones down the aisle. My aunts, uncles and cousins I discussed are actually her siblings and nieces. And nephews. My one uncle that is actually her son isnt coming because his wife said no.

View Quoted Comment But there is no need for grandmother, (or mom) to wear family colors. They are not there to be a set part of the composition of your photos. As bride, it is not for you to say what colors, or what outfits. The photos are to record how it actually was. Not for you to act like a movie director and create a look your want for photos. When it comes to BM and GM, you choose. Parents and grandparents, they hoose how they look and whether you like it does not matter. Traditionally, it is a matter of respect. They are adults who have dressed themselves since before you are born, and come in a cameo, as themselves, not colors, not part pf your composition or stylistic group. You very much want them to be there. And I am suggesting that they may be more comfortable about it if you follow traditional etiquette, or good manners and let this couple choose their own outfits. You would likely be angry of someone suggested you change style and color of your dress. It would be very disrespectful if someone suggested you should, just to please them. Well these are your grandparents. As bride, you are not the boss of them, as my kids would say. If you truly want them to come, do what will feel familiar and comfortable, which is letting them choose their own clothes as any family members not in the wedding party have the choice of doing.