Groom w/ major social anxiety

He should see a counselor or therapist (in psychology). They will teach him how to deal with his anxiety. That being said, how big is your wedding?

I would love for him to! I have even mentioned that I would love for us to do couple's counseling, just for 'relationship maintenence' so to speak. I think it's a great thing that every couple should do, especially during the months leading to the wedding, and in the beginning of the marriage. But, unfortunately, he doesn't really trust counselors and doctors all that much, and thinks it would be a waste of time and money... Our invite list is about 145, and we expect around 130. Honestly, I think he'd have anxiety even if it was only 50 people.

So generalized anxiety is what the diagnosis would most likely be. Anxiety is a diagnosis, even though mental health is sadly stigmatized in this country.

I know it sounds hippie dippy, but look into acupuncture. It has seriously changed my life. I was on all sorts of meds for my anxiety and depression, and I've been able to cut back by going to acupuncture.

I'm sorry your FH has this anxiety. My recommendation would be to have a really small guest list. You're right in the sense it probably wouldn't matter if there were 2 people there or 130 in terms of the level of his anxiety. However I think a smaller guest list might not make him feel so much in the center of attention.

Besides eloping, do have a sense of what he'd like for the wedding? Would a dance send him over the edge? Here's where you need to compromise.

Maybe you should compromise if you know he has this issue and do something small scale i.e. courthouse.

I know my fiance has anxiety and definitely in social situations, more when he is the center of attention (which of course he will be at the wedding). He really didn't feel comfortable talking to doctors about it for a long time, but recently we moved and he found a doctor who he really liked and felt comfortable speaking to, and now he is getting treatment for it. I know you mentioned he doesn't like doctors but maybe you can search around and see if you can find one that he will feel comfortable with? Until then just remind him its only 1 day, or even just 5-6 hours, and you'll be there next to him the entire time. Also see if your venue has a location he can go (a back room, hotel room, bridal suite) where he can go away from people temporarily if the anxiety gets too overwhelming. I wouldn't worry about the number of people, anxiety is anxiety whether you have 20 or 120 it still brings up the same feelings so I would just focus on what you can do to make him comfortable that day and see if you can ease him into getting treatment.

If his anxiety is that severe, why put him through such a big wedding?

@materantiqua - anxiety isn't black and white, my fiance gets severe anxiety going to work, that doesn't mean he shouldn't work or is unable to. It just means he needs to figure out ways to calm the anxiety - usually under doctor care. @Erika said social anxiety happens even with his close friends, that doesn't mean he shouldn't see his friends ever. One friend at a wedding or 100 causes the same issues. Even if they invited 5 people he'd have the same feelings.

Thank you all! I've been thinking about looking into acupuncture. My best friend is a recently licensed reiki therapist, and FH has excitedly agreed to try that. Unfortunately, she lives about an hour away so it's hard to find a time to start on his sessions. But hopefully soon.

I really can't cut back on the guest list too much, without basically cutting almost everyone out. I have a large family, and we're pretty close. And he has a pretty big group of friends. On both accounts, we can't invite some and not others.

We are planning for our ceremony to only be about 15 minutes long, and possibly saying our vows to each other beforehand, and not out loud in front of the group. He seemed to really like that idea, and I think that helped relax him a good amount. But still, as a whole, the anxiety is high.

We will have a place we can go any time during the day of, and he knows it. That helps too. I think day of, his anxiety will be way high, but he will power through and be fine. Plus, I think his emotions will override the anxiety some. The main problem is the time leading up to the wedding. Today is 10 months until the wedding, and at this rate, I'm worried that as we get closer, his reactions to my bringing up the wedding are going to get me so discouraged, sad and frustrated. I do try not to bring up the wedding too much. I would so it's only once or twice a week at most, and it's usually just a quick question or comment. I'm doing what I can to ease his stress about it and not bring it up too often. But I also want him to feel like he has input where he wants it, and have told him that many times.

@brieliz - That's exactly it! He gets this way even just planning to hang out with one friend, a lot of times. There's a lot of back story that I won't get into, but I think a lot of it stems from a general feeling of not being good enough, and not deserving, and feeling judged. He most definitely is good enough, and is not judged in most, if not all social settings we are in, but it's just his general mentality. It makes me so sad! He's said to me many times that his dad and myself are really the only two people in the world he feels totally comfortable with, and not judged by.

A small, simple, laid back ceremony. Yes, you can always cut the guest list. Immediate family only. Do you want the marriage or the party more?

My FH saw a therapist for his anxiety and it helped him a lot.

@brieliz I understand how anxiety works, I have it. I wasn't saying he shouldn't see friends or they shouldn't have any people around, but if the idea of a huge crowd puts a black cloud over what is also HIS big day, it's unfair. A good compromise would be a smaller wedding ceremony.

I would never put my FH through more than he can handle and he wouldn't do it to me either. That's how a partnership works.

We are making the wedding as laid back as possible. It's a Sunday brunch, and sundress and khaki style, rather than more formal. This suits our style much more, plus, more casual, means a little less stress for both of us.

I know it's easy to say that cutting back the guestlist is easy, but it's really not. My immediate family is very large and close. And he grew up with a really close large group of friends. We are not going to cut any of them. We definitely are sticking to a 'must-have only' list, but it's still a big group. But, as I said before, it really wouldn't matter if the group was only 50 people, or, heck, even 25 people. He'd feel the same way. The main thing is, it's not just the two of us. On top of which, he (plus me) is the center of attention, which he doesn't like.

I am not making him have this big wedding. It's something he knows has to happen, and knows, that in retrospect, he will be glad we did. He is just very anxious about it. He has this anxiety with any and all social situations, even with just one or two of his closest friends. It's just how he is. So I'm trying to find ways to help him ease the anxiety, not just for the wedding, but in other situations too.

@materantiqua - I see where you're coming from, and if I felt like it would help, and if we could cut the list down, I would. But he would feel this way no matter how small the wedding was, if it was any more than the 2 of us. Elopement is out of the question. He was told me that right now, he wishes we could just elope, but he knows that he would regret it later...

Immediate family = parents, siblings and probably grandparents. How many would that be?

If that is how he truly feels, OP, then you need to get him to a counselor stat. He needs to learn ways to cope with social situations that make him uncomfortable before the wedding so he can have time to actually practice them out in the real world.

And the idea that you cannot cut the guest list is a total lie. There are always people that can be cut. You're not having a wedding to make everyone else happy, so who cares who gets hurt feelings because you couldn't host them? But that is a totally different story now that we know your FH does think he would like the big wedding deep down.

@Erika I'm in the same boat, my fiance wants a big wedding, but definitely gets anxiety thinking about it. I also try not to bring it up unless I need an opinion from him on something, and that's been helping. But I do suggest seeing a doctor. Last week we had his brother's wedding where he was the best man ( which equals speech) and he was so nervous, he missed work the day before because he was so anxious. But he did it (and he did very well!) The doctor gave him a 1/2 anxiety pill to take 1/2 hour before the speech, and in addition to the other exercises she mentioned it has been working. A year ago I was in the same boat as you and I will say going to a doctor who he feels comfortable talking to is what made him feel ready to treat this. It is definitely tough when you know its what they want but they have so much anxiety about it, so start now seeing what he feels comfortable doing. Acupuncture, doctor, therapist, something, but start now. And you doing all those ceremony/day of adjustments will help =)

Honestly you are the best remedy for him. Let him know that your wedding day is about the two of you and it will be over so fast he will wish he didn't stress about it. I'm overly anxious too and I'm the bride! I have to keep thinking that it will all be worth it and we will be married before we know it. It always helps me to think ahead. It's okay to be nervous! Once the ceremony is over he will probably relax a bit. Good luck!

@Kathleen - Thanks for your input. I think your first comment hits the nail on the head. That seems to be the main thing that helps him calm down a bit. I think you're right though. The ceremony is what makes him most nervous, so, since that will be quick, I think he'll be happy when it's time to party! :p Thanks again!