Groom w/ major social anxiety

As a guest I would be sad if the couple didn't say their vows at the ceremony. It would be quite awkward. Why invite people to witness your wedding if you're doing vows beforehand?

Aromatherapy is great for my anxiety. And maybe he could try acupuncture as well? I agree that he'll probably be fine after the ceremony. You could practice the ceremony beforehand so he knows what to expect.

@Matt that was rude. People can get anxiety over things they want. That doesn't mean they don't want them.

I don't think it is Erika centered. This was a decision we made together. I think it's kind of unfair of you to say that, since you don't know us at all.

His anxiety would be here whether we have 100 people or 10 people, it's just because he will be the center of attention. As I've said in previous comments, he gets this kind of anxiety even planning to hang out with just one of his closest friends.

And also, as I've said before, he has said to me many times, that he does want this (meaning our family and friends there), he is just experiencing a lot of anxiety, as he does in many situations in his life.

@Erika I'm 2 days away and have been dealing with some anxiety over being the center of attention since we started planning. I decided to have a MOH and flowergirls to hopefully get a bit of attention off myself. We are only having 35 maximum but that os still enough to freak me out. Are there times I worry I'm going to pass out? Yes. Just thinking about it right now has caused my hands to shake. Guest lists can be cut and it will help. Originally FH wanted almost 200 and i told him no way was I getting married with that many people around, took a few months of convincing FH I was serious, so yeah how many can effect it.

As someone with social anxiety, I really relate to your FH's struggle. For me, I want the bigger wedding with my family and some friends but can't spend too much time thinking about things like walking down the aisle, the first dance, etc. There have been many times where discussing these feelings and fears with you FH caused an anxiety attack and subsequently an asthma attack, but FH is always the one I turn to help. I'm kind of hoping that on the day of I'll be so swept up in the moment these things won't bother me as much.

I've also done therapy and walked away tools given to me by cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), so that helps too. Like a PP said, I look to my FH as my strength during an anxiety attack more than anything. He helps by just being there, I can't really put into words exactly what he does...but sometimes it helps for him to remind me of facts. Even cheesy facts like he loves me and he's always there for me. I also have my dog, who is my emotional support animal, though she won't be able to go to the wedding.

@Matt, I usually fully agree with you, but I haven't read anything in the OP's comments that suggest her and her FH aren't planning this together, she's said more than once that half of the large guest list are her FH's friends, and clearly he wants them there.

Honestly the biggest thing that has helped my anxiety was seeing a therapist and reading CBT workbooks.

For the wedding ceremony, we're having a smaller guest list and an officiant who knows my issues and is empathetic and willing to work with us.

So, I would suggest considering that when you research officiants. Also maybe do standard "repeat after me" vows vs. ones you write yourself and a shorter ceremony. Oh, and if he's nervous about standing in front at the beginning maybe look into walking in together?

I have an anxiety disorder. Therapy and prescription of an SSRI antidepressant have done wonders for me. But I know not everyone is able or willing to pursue that course of treatment. Based on what I know and what helps me, here are my thoughts:

(Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. Just someone who empathizes.)

*Exercise, exercise, exercise! Does your FI do an exercise program? If not, starting one could make a huge difference. As Elle Woods says, "Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy!" To me, heart pumping cardio is the most effective. I bet kickboxing would work wonders! Maybe see if there are some discounted class packages on Groupon?

*Try mindfulness meditation. It teaches you to mark your thoughts and emotions, acknowledge them, and let them pass. My takeaway was hey, this anxiety does not define me. Its not who I am, and it doesn't rule me or control meS It's just something that happens sometimes. I can acknowledge it, and it will pass.

You can find guided meditations on YouTube that are free, and can be great to help calm down in a pinch.

*When I'm having anxious/panicked feelings, I usually do the following mental exercise: I ask myself what is the worst possible thing that could happen. Then, I ask myself how likely it is that the worst possible thing will actually happen. And I ask myself how horrible it would be if it actually did happen, and how I would deal with it. This usually makes me feel more in control and brings me back to earth. The things that make me anxious are never as certain and disasterous as my mind would have me believe. Research other mental exercises that help with anxiety. He can make major progress just by working on his thought patterns.

*Caffeine makes the symptoms of anxiety worse, so I would advise that he limit his intake that day. Make sure he gets a restful night of sleep every night of the week leading up to the wedding (at least!)

*Encourage him to try things that will take his mind off of himself. One of the most evil things about anxiety is "centrality," or a feeling that everyone is watching you, everyone is judging every little thing that you do, and every mistake you make has enormous impact. It's maddening! But when I got my dog Daisy, and started volunteering and fostering with the humane society, it was an immense relief on my anxiety. It gave me something to focus on. Note: centrality isn't selfishness. When I'm feeling anxious, I want to just be invisible so that nothing I do has a negative effect on anyone. It's awful to be so terrified to put yourself out there! It just helps to be reminded that no one is judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself, and that there is a whole world outside of your head.

*As his partner, I encourage you to research anxiety as much as you can, so that you can best understand how to help him. Visit NAMI's website. Maybe join a local support group, or online support group.

And if you can ever get him to come around on medication and therapy, that would be ideal. I don't have to take a huge dose to feel worlds better. Mental health professionals often use this example: if you were diabetic, would you try to cure your diabetes without insulin? Mental health issues often have a physiological cause. But since they manifest in the mind, there's a misconception that we can simply will them away. We can't do that any more than we can will away a broken bone.

I hope at least some of this helps. My best wishes are with you and your FI.

(Sorry for the lack of paragraph breaks, posting on mobile! I added some asterisks to try to help).

@Patches, @FutureMrsWelch, @Teaowl, @RunawayBride - Thank you all so much for your input.

We will definitely be talking to our officiant about FH's anxiety, and explain (partly) why our ceremony is so short. We have been thinking about doing the typical prewritten vows, and will probably still do that, in addition to exchanging/reading each other our own vows separately.

@RunawayBride, thank you for all your suggestions. I'm going to look into the guided meditations on youtube. FH is usually not so open minded about that kind of stuff, but I could use doing it myself so hopefully I could get him to join me. I especially like your idea about thinking about the worst possible outcome, and going through the various scenarios. I know for a fact that he would see reality isn't nearly as bad as his anxiety makes him think it will be.

Unfortunately, he does not do any real 'exercise' right now. He is a large machine mechanic, which is very grueling labor-intensive work, for 50 hours a week. He's pretty exhausted after work and on the weekends. Free time is mostly spent relaxing together, visiting with friends or family (when I can convince him he'll have fun - and he always does in the end), or running errands and taking care of things around the house.

Personally, I think he also has a minor case of depression, which seems to suck away any energy for things that aren't completely essential in life. If he had it his way, he'd spend all his time playing video games, watching movies, and alone time with me.

I'm not a therapist either (yet) but a lot of what @Runawaybride says is very helpful and true to what I've been taught and have experienced! If he doesn't want to go into therapy @Erika, I second researching anxiety, and especially social anxiety, and maybe help talk him through the things @Runaway was saying (like what's the worst case scenario, etc). But with that I will say to research how you word things, wording is essential and the wrong wording can be a trigger.

As far as medication, not everyone with anxiety needs medication. I am by no means saying medication is bad, like @Runaway says, you would take meds for diabetes or anything else that physically hinders you from daily function. I wouldn't mention medication to him at this point though when he's already so apprehensive about even having therapy, you may only make him feel like he's crazy. I would let that conversation develop overtime, which a therapist or counselor should facilitate. Trying to talk him into therapy will probably be difficult enough as it is without mentioning medication to him. That being said, while therapy alone is very effective, therapy + the right medication is usually the best and most effective treatment plan.

Suggest he try therapy or see a psychiatrist. There is a big stigma in society that you're "weak" if you're anxious or sad and it needs to stop. Especially with the people that have these issues.

My FH has horrible anxiety and panic attacks, and yes he takes Meds daily...most days are good...some days are a struggle...I have the same problem as yours.... Being the center of attention completely freaks me out...so we decided to go small...family and really close friends..he definitely needs to talk with his dr!

I am a therapist. A good Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (often shortened CBT) can help him with this problem in just a couple sessions. I agree with others you two could work on a compromise that would NOT freak him out, but he would still have this anxiety, so why not tackle that, AND cut back on the guest list?

FWIW, if either of you is employed full time, you should check and see if your company has an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) which will allow, usually 3-5 sessions with a therapist. In California, if you have health insurance, it comes with a longer-term mental component, so you can look into that, too, just in case price is part of what's holding him back.

Sounds like my MOH lol poor thing.

I do not suffer from anxiety and know actually very little about it, but I do understand that it can be debilitating. Forgive my ignorance, but if he acknowledges that he suffers from anxiety, why is he so resistant to things that could help? Like wouldn't someone want to find a solution that worked for them?

@zoe m - thanks so much for your advice. I'm trying really hard to convince him to see someone. In fact, I'd love to do it with him! I have a little bit of anxiety myself and could use some therapy with dealing with it.

Though he acknowledges that he easily gets anxious and stressed, for some reason he thinks it's just his personality. That he's just not a people person. He thinks it's not actually a diagnoseable condition for him. I don't know why. I don't know if it's a stigma thing, or he's just in denial, or what.

I have even suggested we find YouTube videos of guided meditation for stress and anxiety and do them at home together. He was not having it.

I thought u were describing my FH. We fought for months over this...then i stop bringing stuff up and it made it worst. So i would say dont focus so much on all the little details but focus on at the end of the day will be married. Luckily for me he likes to drink so that helps for that day...

Reading this thread has definitely given me insight on an ongoing person issue I've had well before I even met my incredible soon-to-be wife! So here it is... I love to talk (I'd like to think that my vocabulary is quite extensive) and everyone that knows me, knows this to be significantly true. Here's the yin-yang of it, though; the thought of all of the important people there, at that very moment where I'm standing right in front of the greatest thing to ever happen to me, is enough to make my heart pound out of my chest! Now, that being said, I'm the one who suggested writing personal vows for eachother to say right there in front of EVERYONE (friends, family, in between) and even as I confess this to you all right now, I'm still so excited about it! Talk about mixed anxiety, right? The wedding is almost a month away and I've been doing my very best to get my nerves in a somewhat better fashion, but I can almost guarantee that I will be shaking at the most important moment ever in my life. I'm constantly in fear of that happening! But I love her and love everything about her, so diving right in is all I know.

Also, I can't dance...

What we do for love, y'know...