Groomsmen help advice!- long sorry ): details are needed!

I agree with you, I think it’s definitely a decision your FH has to make for himself. You have the right to be angry though, especially since you were all once very close. I’ve seen many friends of mine, male & female, be totally changed by their significant others. It can be tough but I do think he really should sit down face to face and just have a simple conversation about it. I think if his friend’s initial reaction was saying yes but the he changed his mind it could be possible he talked to that girlfriend about it and she told him it wasn’t a good idea or she didn’t want him to which is why he changed his mind. It could be very possible the friend never meant any harm to your FH or his feelings and was just making decisions based on influence. A lot can be misconstrued through text since you never really know the tone of someone’s thought in a message. Encourage the face to face conversation, maybe encourage them to grab drinks or lunch one day & just talk like they used to.

Boy, oh, boy. Your FH and my FH sound alike. My FH has had a falling out with his long-time best friend as well as another good long-time friend this year, and currently in a weird place with his other friend and groomsmen.

Unfortunately, it is what it is at this point. In all honesty, I think that it might be best for your FH and his friend to part ways. I foresee more of these kind of back-and-forth, wishy-washy situations happening in the future and it might be best to keep this friend out of the wedding party all-together. It's only going to cause the both of you more stress and frustration, which you don't want nor need. If the relationship between your FH and his friend is already broken, maybe I'm being pessimistic, but I don't think it's going to improve to the point where things will be smooth sailing from here.

What got them to that point? Who knows. It could be a variety of things. Despite their once close friendship, his friend obviously doesn't consider him close anymore and no longer a priority, and that is not the kind of person you want to honor in your wedding party.

My FH is the same- not big with people and has a small handful of friends. If this happened to him, he'd be absolutely devastated, and wouldn't want that guy as a groomsman- he'd never trust him again. He'd probably still be upset at the wedding itself. I agree they should talk in person- you guys were making the effort to ask to spend time with them and they blatantly shot it down (maybe it was a legit excuse, but I don't interpret it as such). Maybe without the girlfriend, he'll behave differently. I wish I had more to contribute, that really sucks for him :/

First of all, I am not sure why not being able to attend an engagement party would be considered a slap in the face. A commitment is a commitment, and you can't expect people to drop their already set plans specially for someone you haven't talked to in a year.

That aside, if the guy didn't feel he should be a GM, he should have said so from the beginning. I'll give you that. But after backing out, if I were your FS, I would not have asked him again (or however it happened). They are better accepting the truth in that you all have grown apart. That happens, and it doesn't make any of you bad people. It's just life.

Your FS could talk to him if he wants, but the goal should be to genuinely rehash the friendship not just for your wedding.

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It wasn't the fact that they already had plans, it was that they didn't even reach out to say why they couldn't It just was rude in my opinion, we would've made it a point to make it if it was their engagement party also our party was in the early afternoon and they only had dinner at night, again they could've stopped by for 30 minutes the town is small would've only taken them 5 minutes to drive to the house and say hi.

I wouldn’t do anything. This isn’t your situation to handle. It’s great that you also have a friendship with FH’s best friend, but he’s the one asking him to be his GM and he should be the one to handle it.

I’m not sure why you’re so upset about him not making it to the engagement party when he already had other plans. It doesn’t matter if people who live in their town or not, it’s still a commitment. Has FH addressed the strain in their friendship at any other point in the last year? I would also be taken aback if I didn’t speak to someone for a year and they asked me to be in their BP. At the end of the day you can’t force someone to be in your wedding, and you shouldn’t have to discuss it or do any convincing. If he thought about it enough to text FH and back out two weeks later, he doesn’t want to do it. FH shouldn’t try to convince him otherwise.

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When someone replies no to your event, they don't have to let you know why. If the reason is simply they don't feel like going that is perfectly ok. You clearly have a different view of the friendship. And as I said before, you relationship (3 of you) has clearly change. You can either try to fix it or move on.

View Quoted Comment I've never understood why people think they are owed an explanation toa decline.

View Quoted Comment When it’s a very close family friend, i think there’s is an explanation owed, and i feel that way because i know if we couldn’t make it and felt so bad for not being able to we would reach out and explain why.
We are very about our people and will take a bullet for them so if they couldn’t show the decency of driving 5min and poking there head in then leaving then yeah there’s an issue. We LOVE the people we love and it hurts us when they could care less. And if they actually cared they would either come or reach out and relay why. I think you are thinking that this friend is just a friend. He is pretty much a brother. Imagine your sister not making it, you wouldn’t ask or want to know why she couldn’t make it?

To me, them not talking for a year doesn't seem that abnormal since they don't live close. I haven't talked on the phone to most of my long distance friends at any given point for a year, one of my best friends has lived on the other side of the world for a decade now, we catch up on messenger every once in a while but I'm sure we've gone stretches of more than a year without talking and just like each other's Facebook pictures. Then when she comes to the States she tells me and I make travel plans to go visit.

FH never talks to ANY of his friends. I have never seem him pick up the phone and be like I want to hang out with so and so. He hadn't talked to or seen one of his groomsmen in maybe 5 years, maybe more and guess who arranged the plans the last time he saw him? Me! I messaged his friend and made plans for us to hangout when we were visiting my friends that lived near his friend. The best man and groomsman are friends and when gm wouldn't answer phone for bm I told FH to call because bm is talkative so that's probably why he's not answering, sure enough gm answered because it was such a shock that FH called lol.

You shouldn't have to talk everyday to be good friends, you should be able to pick right up where you left of like no time has passed. Every friendship is different though and everyone's expectations are different. Maybe this guy was hurt after he didn't hear from your hubby for a few months and complained to the gf but frienship is a 2 way street, he could have called too. Without knowing more, there could even be factors you haven't thought of, do they live together/share finances? Maybe he didn't realize they can't afford for him to be a groomsman and are too embarrassed to admit it. Or maybe she's just a controlling jerk. Since you have been friends for so long is there any chance FH is close to his friend's family, maybe a member he didn't have problems with, or anything and could get some insight that way? So he can maybe get some closure and move on or figure out the problem and solve it.

View Quoted Comment No I don't feel you are owed an explanation no matter who it is. I would never question my siblings as to why they can't make something and I'm very close to all three of them.

My bridesman is only going to be here for the week of the wedding because he lives in Hawaii now and there's absolutely no way he could afford to fly back and forth to Virginia for parties and things of that nature before.

Sometimes people drift apart and it is what it is. I have a friend who I've known for almost 20 years, but we barely talk anymore. She has a different life and we don't live in the same state. Her hubby's family actually lives in the same city as me, and every time she's come up to visit I still don't see her. I've even been to Orlando and something always comes up with her. Nature of the beast.

This is something your FH needs to handle though. When it comes to your bridal party, you want to be sure they want to do it for you, not just because they feel obligated.

That's sad that all this is coming out now that you're getting married. I agree with the others that it feels like a little bit of an overreaction to not being able to make the engagement party. I don't think close family friends need to give a specific reason or have the stress of trying to get out of something for 30 minutes to say hi. Did you just pop in and out for a few hours? Did either party say "thats OK maybe we can meet for drinks or breakfast to catch up or something."

That being said people change. I'm not sure your ages but as someone matures and has different responsibilities from hs and early 20s to late 20s etc. People do change. I'd be careful blaming the gf for this friends change. That conversation won't end well. Also people can be friends and respond differently to a situation. Don't expect a friend to do exactly what you would do, if they fall short of that it turns into a big deal. Part of a friendship is being understanding, too.
Even through the 3 of your were friends, I'd back off a bit and let your FH decide how he wants to handle it the best man situation. They should meet up and reconnect and see if things have changed where they no longer think it's appropriate.

Not going to an engagement party for someone you haven't spoken to in a year isn't a big deal. Do you expect when you get RSVPs back that each person will write out a reason why they can't come and you get to decide if it's acceptable or not? You can make all of the excuses you want why he should have been able to make it, but it's not your place to tell him that he can make time for 30 minutes if he didn't want to. If you would, great. That's you, it's not him. It sounds like he has moved on from the friendship and is trying to hint at that, but the message isn't being received. He didn't come to your party, he said he didn't want to be a groomsman... The writing is on the wall. I would just let it go and let him move on. Friendships change and this one has clearly run its course. Does it suck? Yes. Is there anything you can do about it? Not if this guy doesn't want to continue the relationship.