Guest list dispute/ probably too long of a rant🙃

Who is paying for the wedding? At your budget, there may not be a lot of wiggle room for extra guests. Have the two of you sat down and looked at all the costs of what you want and how much you can afford? What do you have booked so far?

What's more concerning is it doesn't sound like you're in agreement at all when it comes to opinions about family and friends. Communication is really important, and it doesn't seem like he's hearing your issues with this.

There's a lot going on here.

As far as guest list goes, you two are going to have to find a compromise with his family. I have many cousins who I'm close with but don't speak to regularly, so I can understand him wanting to invite those people. If your only argument is that you don't see them often, I don't think that's a fair reason not to invite them if he feels strongly about it. Regarding the plus one comment above, you are mistaken here. You don't get to determine what relationships (duration, engagement vs dating, etc) their status - they are a couple and you must invite the entire couple as a social unit. A plus one is for a single person to invite anyone of their choosing.

While I think he should have more flexibility with his family, it concerns me that he wants a friend as his best man who openly dislikes you. That sounds very problematic and is something I would not be okay with. Why does he like this friend? What makes him want to have him as a best man? Does he care about that relationship more than his with you?

Finally, nothing is 50/50. Not in life and definitely not in marriage. It's right for you to have expectations surrounding him helping plan but know that it will never be equal. Maybe that means sometimes he does 70 and you 30 or vice-versa (wedding planning related and in all aspects of life). It's not worth measuring.

I agree, I think that having his friend that has been abusive to you as best man is problematic. At the very least your feelings should matter here.

For this statement, "(my plus one rationale is if they aren’t married, haven’t been dating for more than 2y, or we dont know them they aren’t invited cause our wedding is 98% family so they can hangout with their family)". That very much goes against etiquette. You can't just invite one person of a relationship. Anyone that identifies as being in a relationship must be invited with their partner (and that is not a plus 1). It's not great to invite someone to celebrate your relationship by disrespecting theirs.

Plus ones are for truly single people to invite a friend, and those are optional.

I agree that anyone who is considered a social unit must be invited as a couple. While I think there can sometimes be a gray area that goes beyond how the couple identify, ie young relatives, new relationships etc. two years is absolutely absurd.

As for your guest list you are misguided in thinking that you need to know everyone who will be there. If the relationship is meaningful to your FI, then that's a good enough reason to include that person, whether or not you've ever crossed paths. Likewise, weddings are traditionally about family. On the other hand, etiquette also supports the necessity to make necessary cuts and recommends inviting in circles to avoid hurt feelings in that situation. For example, immediate family only, aunts and uncles but not cousins, first but not second, over 18 only etc.

Ultimately, you need to get on the same page as FI whether it mean increasing the guests list and making cuts elsewhere, making cuts, or compromising in some way.

As for the friend, I'd put my foot down there. Actually, in your place it would be a dealbreaker for me if FI was willing to continue a relationship with anyone who continues to be be disrespectful of you.

This is incorrect.

A plus one is optional and is given to truly single people, so they can have someone with them at the wedding.

A partner/significant other is the spouse of anyone that identifies as being in a relationship. It's not up to us to judge the relevance of the relationship or its importance. Inviting only one person of a couple to come celebrate your own union as a couple is rude and could result in hurt feelings. You're literally asking a person to come celebrate your relationship while disrespecting theirs.

Emily Post has been taken over by her family on her death, and she would spin in her grave at some of the advice given.

Etiquette is meant to help people provide a great guest experience and to avoid hurting the feelings of others. You don't separate couples, that's just a basic.

I got my fiancé to better understand the financial commitment of inviting people by showing him that our venue charges $125 per person just to eat. That meant if he wanted to invite 15 people he barely speaks to, it would cost us almost $2,000. It helped bring him out of the "you have to invite everyone in your family" mindset

As for his best man, I agree with you that he will be making a mistake to have that person be his best man. Does he have anyone else how could be his best man who is a better fit? You do still have plenty of time for him to figure this out and he may change his mind on his own.

Since you have over a year before your wedding, I would highly suggest putting a hold on wedding planning for a month or even just a few weeks to focus on your other personal matters/relationship. I did this when wedding planning became something I was dreading and it really saved me.

Good luck!

It sounds like you're facing a challenging situation with balancing the guest list and your wedding budget. It's important to remember that your wedding day is about celebrating your union, and it's okay to have boundaries regarding who you invite.

Given the large size of both families and your desire for a small wedding within a $15,000 budget, it's reasonable to limit the guest list. If your fiancé is hesitant to make cuts, perhaps suggest a compromise where you both prioritize inviting family members who you're both close to or have meaningful relationships with.

Regarding his friend, it's essential to have people who support and celebrate your relationship at your wedding. It's okay to express your discomfort about this person's presence at your wedding, especially given the history you've shared.

Communication is key in this process. It's important for both of you to feel heard and supported. Planning a wedding is a partnership, and both parties should be involved in the decision-making. You're not wrong for wanting to ensure that your wedding feels like a reflection of your relationship and shared values.

In addition, considering your busy schedule and the stress of planning, it might be helpful to seek assistance from a wedding planner or delegate tasks to friends and family who are willing and able to help. This can ease the burden on both of you and make the planning process more manageable and enjoyable.