Guest List Madness Thanks to Fh!

Approx 20% off RSVP's are no's so you will probably be closer to your 75 people mark than you think. However, I am worried about you guys fighting a lot, marriage won't magically fix compatibility and communication.

Hey Alli,
Yes, there have been a lot of red flags over the past six years. There have been separations, there has been infidelity. There has been arguing and toxicity as everyone in this thread feels lead to comment on.

However, we have two perfect children who we love immensely. We are also Christians with a strong faith, but it took my fiance a long time to get to where he is today. It took a lot of work. It took counseling. It took heart break and sacrifice. We practice forgiveness daily, because we wouldn't survive otherwise. I realize there are many people here on WW who have always had healthy relationships with the ability to resolve conflict with their spouse in a healthy manner and have possibly never walked the road of infidelity with their fiancé. My fiance and I have endured so much hardship and against all odds, we made it. Yes, in part, we have our children to thank for that. It makes me proud to say that we have walked through the lowest valleys, we have experienced the deepest of hurts, and even then, we have chosen each other.

Yes, this is what I'm thinking now. A lot of these people would be coming from 2.5 hours away, so the chances of them actually even showing up are probably even a little less.

I worry about us fighting a lot, too! Haha, but it's really improved from where we were 3 years ago.

Yikes, I think you need to take a step back from wedding planning and take a look at your relationship, it's not healthy to fight as much, Arguing every now and then is fine but fighting a lot is not healthy especially when you have kids. your wedding is one day your marriage is forever and if you are fighting a lot now you may have a hard marriage, you stated that you have been together for a long time and have had separations and infidelity it's great that you worked through all that but if your still fighting then maybe you should put the wedding on hold and focus on your marriage, In your opinion you shouldn't tell him to not invite these people if they are close to him and you should be able to invite your aunts and cousins I would have a discussion with him and come up with a guest list that suites both your needs not just one

Thank you for the advice (: We're considering inviting both my aunts/uncles and the people he wants invited too. We are thinking that only 75% of our guest list will show up, so it might work out after all. It's still scary thinking, "but what if they all DO show up," haha!

I really appreciate the advice, but I can tell you this with transparency: we are not going to stop fighting. Even the healthiest relationships include arguments. We are two very different people, and we are not compatible. We are secure enough in our relationship to say that it's true, we probably wouldn't have made it as a couple if it weren't for our daughter. She was the little bit of glue we needed at the end of the day when everything was falling apart. And we are okay with saying that (:

Most couples aren't compatible. No two people truly are perfect for each other. We are all flawed human beings, and real love is learning how to cope with and work with another person. That's why good relationships are hard work. I also appreciate that you have worked on your relationship for the sake of your daughter.

I do think there is a difference between arguing and fighting. My parents had a toxic marriage for the first 5 years, and for the last 20+ they have had a great one. Do they still argue? Hell yes, oh my goodness yes. They get salty with each other all the time, it's actually kind of funny because they are just so different. The difference is not that they stopped disagreeing, but that they stopped toxic behaviors. They no longer yell, call each other names, storm out of the house, threaten to get a divorce and take the kids, etc.

I'm the only kid in my family who remembers what their toxic phase was like and only vaguely, but their fighting affected me so much that my school actually had me put in a special needs class and work with a therapist because I was struggling to cope so much at age 4-5. Kids will pick up on toxicity, and it hurts them, makes them feel unsafe in their own home, and hurts their ability to grow and thrive.

If you're fighting, that doesn't mean you have to break up, but it does mean you have serious work to do, for yourself and your daughter. If you're just arguing, eh, have at it.

Edit: saw your previous comment, it seems like you are putting in the work to make your relationship better. Good on you!! Praying for your success.

You don't need to apologize for venting! That's literally what this entire forum is for - venting and giving/receiving advice. You really don't owe anyone an explanation regarding your relationship. People will pick apart your original question to give you an opinion on something completely unrelated to your question. Don't apologize to strangers for coming onto an advice forum and seeking advice!! Good luck!! I hope it all works out for the sake of you and your precious family!

Thank you, Judith! This well written response was actually very helpful. We decided to go ahead and add both my aunts and uncles as well as the family who took him in during his teen years. (Hopefully my MIL behaves, but there are no guarantees)! Our total count came to 107 with at least a third being from out-of-state, so we may be closer to the 75-85 number anyways. We did come together and decide to pass on his old friends from his former job who we no longer see.

Gotcha! Yeah I would just reiterate to him that family should come first! Good luck!!