Guest List Troubles

First off, you and fiance make final decision on guests. This is not something for FMIL especially after telling you that your other choices are bad. She has already gotten married and probably had someone else pick out everything for her so sees this as normal. Tell her point blank you have already made your choices and that is the end of the discussion. Set boundaries now and stick to them or she will get worse down the road.


You and fiance need to compromise and get on the same page. Do not invite people you don't talk to. Also food is something that guests remember being good or bad, so try to get the best you can afford even if that means restaurant corporate catering which is usually better tasting than the best wedding caterer for 1/10 of the price.
For guests, go down the list and ask yourself if it will make or break the day if they are not in attendance. If you cannot imagine the day without them, then keep them. But do invite casual acquaintances or parents' coworkers who dont care about you.

Not at all. This isn’t her party, it’s yours. You’ve made concessions to make your FH happy, don’t lose your whole day to make your FMIL happy too.

Ugh, I am so frustrated for you. You are not being unreasonable at all - your FMIL is.

It is YOUR and your FH's wedding. The two of you have come to an agreement on the guest list, and you both have compromised - it sounds like you even moreso. You need to both present a united front to her and explain that the guest list is already set, end of discussion.

Your parents sound like they are graciously offering financial support without many, if any, strings attached, whereas money from your FMIL doesn't sound like a gift at all. You are not obligated to accept it nor invite her list of guests.

If you shouldn't care about the additional 40 guests or even notice them, imo that's all the more reason why they shouldn't be there in the first place.

Hello bride1993!! I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Speaking from someone who said yes to everyone and when covid hit, I got to have the smaller, family wedding I always wanted, the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders.


Stand your ground before it snowballs and I suggest your fiancé talk with his mom. Work covid to your advantage (smaller guest list) and pick the venue you and your fiancé want. Good luck girlie ❤️❤️❤️

I totally get your frustrations and I don't think you are wrong. I would talk your fiancé and hopefully you will be on the same page and you guys can tell her no. My mother-in-law is always inviting extra people to things. She sent us a list of about 50 people for our wedding, but luckily everyone she included on the list we already on our list. She sent the same list to my brother-in-law and his wife, who got married 6 weeks after us, and about 30 of them weren't on their list. They simply had to say no. She tried telling him she would pay for them, but she doesn't have a lot of money so they were around she would back out of paying for them if they agreed.

Congrats on your engagement & welcome to WW! You’re definitely not being unreasonable- this is your wedding NOT your FMIL. You & your fiancé need to get on the same page & set boundaries for her- if not she’s go to railroad you the entire time.

Given the size and nature of the wedding you want, for her to expect 40 in addition to those on FI 's list of relatives and family friends, seems pretty outrageous. try to get FI to see that having a family reunion, or old fairly local friends, at a cookout or other party after marriage makes more sense than piling everyone on the wedding list. Without all the ceremony, and wedding things, you actually get to spend more time talking ro guests at those smaller gatherings. And with the exception of a very few individuals where distance or military service have kept you apart, try to cut from his lists anyone he personally has not gone to see in 3 years, or who has not visited him. Not just, they met at 2 other people's parties. Because honestly, to pay $150-$300 per couple for someone you won't regularly go see at all, is beyond what most people do. A reunion, either family, or a friend group, are for those people. As for FMIL, if their are already family friends of hers,4-5 people or 2 couples seem like a number that could be reasonable for parents. But if you can get the people rarely seen off the list too, dealing with at most 125 people total will likely be small enough to be comfortable in your own skin and drop those who really belong at more casual gatherings. It is easy to fall i to the trapof thinking you have to do everything at the wedding. But the wedding is just the beginning of your entertaining as a married couple. This was the si gle hardest thing with my FI. After 6 older brothers and sisters marrying with huge and inexpensive everybody you know weddings in their parish hall or a nearby similar K of C, he was thinking 42 Brooklyn Buddies and their wives, and 30 Army friends and their SO, more than the 15 total from these times in his life. And I would say, when are you going to talk to 72 more people than your core list of guys you drop by to visit, and make a trip to visit? We did have 2 weekend parties the following spring and summer, just for friends of his. Those cut, and those not. Good luck with this.

I'd cut your FMiL out of the wedding planning. No more talking about venues or food options with her. 40 additional guests is crazy. Even if she pays for the additional guests, that means additional invites, and possibly forcing you into a bigger venue. Your FH needs to set boundaries with his mother.


I'd also start over on the guest list. If my parents were paying for the entire wedding, and my FH had a guest list that was twice the size of mine, AND over 100 people, I'd be furious. On top of that, your MiL wants to add 40 more!!! If my in laws were paying for my guests, I'd be doing everything possible to trim the list.
When you're spending someone else's money, you need to be conscientous. Your FH needs to figure out where to make cuts. Don't let him get away with being lazy. Everyone has to make cuts for a wedding. There are lots of guidelines on how to do this.
There is a lot of gray area between an elopement and a 200 person wedding.
You can have a microwedding with just immediate family and your closest friends. You can invite in circles (aunts and uncles, first cousins only, no kids). You can draw the line at anyone you haven't spoken to in 6 months. Go down the guest list a second time. If you were at a restaurant with them, would you happily pick up their tab? Would they for you? If their meal cost $50? $100? If not, then why are you inviting them to your wedding?
I doubt that your FH has 106 people for whom he'd be willing to pay for in any other setting.

No, I would be frustrated too. Your FMIL is crossing boundaries. Your FH needs to deal with her

As others have stated, you are not being unreasonable at all! We had the same problem with my mom. She wanted us to invite all of these people that knew me as a child, and most (if not all) of them haven't spoken to me since then.

What we did was tell her that we had a set guest list count, and that we didn't want to go over that limit. We told her that we would start by counting our immediate family, and extended family if we have relationships with them. Then we moved on to close friends, family friends, and so on. We kindly explained that if there was room left over, then we would consider adding the extra people, but at the end of the day, we were the ones that were going to have the final say on the guest list.

I suggest going about it this way. Let her know that while it's nice that she created a guest list for you, you both have it covered and want to invite who is the most important to you both.

Wow! This was my first ever wedding wire post and I am blown away by the level of thoughtful support from you all!

I am realizing that FH is not keen to set boundaries with his mother because he believes that she is justified in her requests. FH is from a large, close knit Italian community. He now lives on the other side of the country and rarely gets to see many of these people that shaped him. We are planning a centrally located US "desination-y" wedding because most guests are spread out across the country/North America... almost all of FH's guests WILL travel (its an affluent group, many travel often, etc.).

FH says that we "view weddings differently." He "wants to have as many people present who have impacted him, and does not care as much about the quality of the food or venue ambiance if he can have more people. Whereas, in his words, "I want to throw a marvelous, impressive event" (obviously not totally true). FH says that I have "gotten to know his community over the years (aka met people 3-4 times at other weddings) and he and his mother are sad that I am unable to embrace their tight group." However, I feel that I am conscious of his unique community, which is why his guest count is almost 2x mine. FH is upset that I made him cut his parent's neighbor, also his accountant, from the list, because he used to babysit FH as a kid....

As I mentioned, I don't particularly enjoy the spotlight (which FH finds "abnormal"). I moved around a lot throughout my life, and have maintained extremely close relationships with a small group of people. It seems like part of our issue is a difference in personalities - FH enjoys having a large social circle, whereas I am just not that way. I tend to enjoy "nicer" things than FH, so I can understand his frustrations in regards to my "pretentiousness." But I feel that it is unfair to disregard my compromises or act like I value having a fancy event over getting to spend time with my loved ones (he is the one after all who proposed an elopement, which would leave out my best friends).... FH has been keen to the idea of an elopement because it would allow us to use the wedding money elsewhere... again generosity from my parents, who have said x amount of money would be a gift to us regardless of the type of wedding that we have (purchasing our first home, paying off graduate student loans, travel, saving for kids, etc.). What I don't understand is why does it have to be all or nothing? Isn't there a breaking point within the guest list at which point it makes sense to save the money for something else rather than inviting the person who babysat you occasionally when you were a kid? When I ask him about this, he says that I just don't understand the community that he grew up in....

Still feeling frustrated...

From your update, I think you guys would benefit from couples counseling. I think he'd be singing a different tune with the guest list if he were paying for it. He also doesn't empathize with your wants, values, or priorities. I don't like how he considers your ideas "pretentious" or your not enjoying the spotlight "abnormal". He enables his mother's entitlement.


The problem goes beyond wedding planning or a difference in personalities. He doesn't seem to respect you. He won't compromise. He is hypocritical. He takes your parents' money for granted.
What are you going to do if you disagree on which house to buy? Disagree on how to raise kids?
Don't marry a man like this until this is all resolved.

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We did have another conversation and it seems that some of his statements were said out of frustration. He admitted that I am making most of the compromises, that my parents have been beyond generous, and that all of my requests have been beyond reasonable.

This is a conversation your fiance needs to have with his mom. And if FMIL has already invited people, well that is on HER to tell them "Oopsie I made a boo boo." I have two kids in college, and someday they might get married......Good Lord I don't even know 40 people, lol. I will wear beige and be quiet....someday.

Don't let her say "Well I will pay for it" that is not the point. She had her wedding, or her opportunity for a wedding, now it is your turn.