Guests who don't give a gift

I wouldn’t give based off of what you got at your wedding. Maybe they didn’t have the funds? Who knows. Personally, I don’t show up to birthday parties or weddings without a gift. With that being said, if someone doesn’t gift my FH and I something at our wedding and later gets married I wouldn’t show up empty handed to theirs because they didn’t get me anything at mine. It’s not your guests jobs to “pay you back” in sorts for your expensive wedding with a gift. You chose the venue and set the budget.

View Quoted Comment Exactly this!!!!!!

How are you “put thousands” people come to support you. They got dressed up and cane to witness you marry the love of your life. I’d personally never plan a wedding expecting to recoup what I spent in regards to gifts. Yes it’s rude and tacky to not give a gift but it’s not a requirement. Perhaps your cousin didn’t have the funds. It’s obvious they are lacking funds if they are doing a potluck. If you are going to their wedding bring a gift.

Did you have any clue what her financial situation was like? You have really been holding on to the fact she did get you a wedding gift for two years!? Let it go. Holding on to that kind of stuff is unhealthy. For your body and mind. I agree you don’t invite guest in expectations they pay you back.

Holy cow. I'm going to be as nice as possible when I say this but EEEEK! You're judging them for giving a card (thoughtful) ... Judging them for inviting you to a potluck (thoughtful) and other events (thoughtful). You're saying their idea of fun is tacky... And you're holding onto a grudge for HOW long? Honestly why do you even talk to them if that's how you feel?

When you extend an invitation, it does not obligate the recipient to give you a gift. If they RSVP they're coming and at the last minute are unable to attend, they don't owe you an explanation. We had several guests come to our wedding and gift us a card with heart felt congratulations. Each one wrote something very personal and that was the best gift.

You don't know a person's situation. Maybe they wanted to give a gift, but needed to pay their rent/mortgage, utilities, car note/insurance, etc. Who knows. You shouldn't expect people to go without so you can receive a gift.

Your friends and family aren’t obligated to give you gifts. You don’t host a wedding to receive gifts. You decided to host a 3 course dinner and an open bar, they didn’t ask for that. You don’t know their financial situation and the fact that they gave a card is sentimental and should be enough. I feel truly sorry for your cousin.

First of all, what's wrong with a potluck engagement party? An engagement party is just a fun event where everyone gets together to celebrate the couple and their love and for families to mingle. There's no need to go full out crazy with catering for something like that. Secondly, a potluck is not tacky at all. In fact, its a really good idea for an engagement party because you get to have foods from both sides of the family and it could be a great starting point for conversation between families.
If you feel this negatively about your cousin maybe you should not attend any of the events.

Can I ask if you would rather your cousin not have come at al if she could not afford a gift? If the answer is yes you wouldn’t of want her to stay home icause she could not have bought you. A gift you need to re-evaluate some things.

Let. It. Go.

They didn't give you a gift for your wedding. They apparently will never give you a gift for your wedding. You can't do anything about that. You can, however, determine whether you will treat people with kindness and grace or not.

View Quoted Comment Yes I agree with every part of this. Your gift shouldn’t be based off what she gave you, it should be based of what you want to and can give her. And you aren’t out money because people didn’t give you gifts- you invited them to the wedding, it’s not then their job to pay you back for their dinner and drinks.

Gifts are not mandatory and should not be expected for any event. Additionally... gifts should not be tit for tat, that’s a very petty mindset. If you are able to give her a gift for her wedding, you should.

If your relationship with your cousin is predicated on how much she spends on you, then I think you need to honestly look at your priorities.

You need to make like Elsa and let it go. It's been almost 2 years. Just because people are invited to a wedding does not obligate them to give a gift. It's not required and shouldnt be expected. You are not out thousands of dollars because people didnt give a gift. You are out thousands of dollars because you chose to have a wedding and throw a reception that probably cost a lot of money. Not your cousins or anyone else fault. I was only able to give my brother, my own family, a card with a very small gift (less than 50 dollars), for his wedding. Why? Because I had just had major back surgery and was out of work at the time. You never know what peoples finances are. Be grateful they at least gave a card with hopefully a nice message inside.

As for your cousins wedding and other plans, you have a few options. You can choose to attend the parties and give a gift if you would like. Or you can decline. Or you can go and not give a gift. Your choice.

Obviously I’m the unpopular opinion but I agree with you! Sorry but you have to keep tabs. If you feel the need to give some little to not show up empty handed but I would price my gift at what someone gave me as well

I will say that my fiance and I went to his friends wedding a few years ago and I didn't know until we got there that my then-new-boyfriend didn't bring a gift. I've felt guilty about it ever since and now that he has asked this person to be a groomsman, I feel even worse and don't know how to make it up to them.

Also, at my best friend's wedding last year, one of her other friends whom she lived with for 3 years showed up empty-handed and with a plus-one. She hasn't forgotten. Doesn't hold a grudge, but she remembers.

And it's a fact- people remember who showed up without a gift. My mom still recalled who didnt bring one to hers over 30 years ago when I asked. It's not that you should ever expect the gifts, you just remember who doesn't bring them.

This isn't a day to expect things from people. That will add stress that isn't needed. It sounds like your cousin Doesn't have the same expectations you do, and if you feel the need to keep the score even, she will probably appreciate a heartfelt message in a card, more than you did.

View Quoted Comment I feel like people judge but money. Like oh sorry it was between getting a gift for my wedding and eating this week well don’t come.

Wow you're really selfish. They came didn't they? That should be enough.

To be honest, you need to let it go. Your wedding was a year and a half ago. Everyone has no-shows and I'm sure lots of people show up without a gift. Is it against etiquette and extremely poor form? Yes. But it's just as bad to be petty about it. Since gifting is not mandatory, no you technically don't need to get them a gift but you would be stooping to their level if you don't give a gift based solely on the fact that they didn't give you one. Everyone has different financial situations.

It seems petty to not give someone a gift because they didn't give you a gift. Maybe they forgot, or funds were low. I understand maybe gifting lesser amounts, but it seems ridiculous to hold on to someone not giving you a gift for over a year. I could see RSVPing yes and not coming, but having a wedding is not about how many gifts you receive. If it were me, I'd probably buy one of the cheaper gifts for her but still get them. She has nothing to do with the friends or family who didn't show up. I also don't know how you could be out thousands of dollars for some people not showing up. Regardless you'd pay your vendors and only a few are affected by guest count.

We also kept tabs on who gifted us things for the wedding because if someone was particularly generous, we wanted to be able to reciprocate that. However, we would never not gift someone something, regardless on if they gave us a gift or not. We had a groomsman and his date not gift us anything, not even a card. We still gave them a gift at their wedding which was the month after ours.