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Danielle
Dedicated September 2019

Have your friends changed since you got engaged?!

Danielle, on November 16, 2018 at 4:33 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 37

Sorry if this is long. I was just wondering if anyone else’s friends have changed the way they act towards you since you got engaged. I have this friend who I’ve been friends with since we were just kids, it’s been about 20 years, we’ll call her Jane for now. She was always the one that had a...
Sorry if this is long. I was just wondering if anyone else’s friends have changed the way they act towards you since you got engaged. I have this friend who I’ve been friends with since we were just kids, it’s been about 20 years, we’ll call her Jane for now. She was always the one that had a boyfriend through high school and whatnot, each relationship lasting about two years so she didn’t jump around with dating or anything. Two years ago I met my fiancé, she had a boyfriend of over a year and a half at the time. I moved in with FH after five months and my friend continuously told me it wouldn’t work because we didn’t know each other well enough. Fast forward a year, she finally ends her toxic relationship and is single for two months before finding a new boyfriend. About three months into their relationship she was telling me how he’s the one and she just knows it (he’s a good guy so I hope it works out, unfortunately she has said this about every guys she’s dated 😕) and how she was ready for him to give her a ring and how she thinks it’s going to happen soon. (Although I knew it wouldn’t because he already told me a plan he has for about a year and a half from now) My FH proposed to me around their 5 month anniversary. Of course I was happy and sent a group message to my group of girlfriends. This specific friend didn’t respond. Then while talking with my best friend (a mutual friend of Jane & I’s) we’ll call her Susie, she tells me how my FH told my bff he was going to propose. Susie was excited and felt like she had to tell someone and figured it would be fine to tell Jane. Apparently Jane seemed angry when she heard the news. I’ve now heard from a few different friends that Jane is saying that she’s angry at me because she thought she should’ve gotten a ring before me. I know everyone gets engaged at different times in their relationships but it was almost two years for us and a few months for them, we had moved in together, bought our very own house together, got two dogs, etc before getting engaged so I just don’t understand what makes her feel like she “deserved” a ring before me...it’s not a contest. We were very close before FH proposed but she hasn’t talked to me very much since. I guess I just don’t really understand what changed...a ring that had nothing to do with her?

Worry this was long, it’s just been weighing on me for a little while and I needed to get that out.

37 Comments

  • Sarah
    Master June 2016
    Sarah ·
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    The thing about taking different paths though is that regardless of what path you’re on, people stop asking about school or your career as a woman and they ask about marriage and kids and why you haven’t done those things yet. Even though you feel her schooling/career choices should make her feel adequate, there are still societal pressures that say that if all her friends are engaged/married/having babies, she’s behind if she doesn’t fall into those categories.

    I’m not suggesting your friend should be angry at you for getting engaged first, but I don’t think what she’s feeling is actual anger. I think it’s misplaced inadequacy because she’s watching all her friends take these steps in their personal lives that she isn’t taking yet.
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    It’s sucks to see that so many people are in similar situations! I feel like she acted that way too, like this may be petty but when she didn’t respond to my text about it I changed my relationship status on Facebook a few days later and after about a week I looked to see if she even liked it or acknowledged it and she didn’t. Meanwhile people I hadn’t talked to in years were excited for me and they people who already knew were still saying how happy they were for me. I know that’s so stupid that I even cared but I guess I was like “okay maybe she just needed a minute to process it and then she’ll be fine” but she still hasn’t been fine lol.
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Thank you!!!! ❤️❤️❤️
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  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    You’re welcome Danielle. I hope that things get better. If not, remember why you’re doing all of this. You’ll be marrying the love of your life. Do you want this friend there with you on that important day? People change. Relationships change. If you think it’s worth saving then why not sit down and meet for lunch to talk it out?
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I guess I never really thought of it that way. I can see why that would be bothersome for some people. I unfortunately can’t have children (that I know of but miracles can happen lol 🙃) but I’m always happy for anyone else who gets pregnant or starts trying even though I know I’ll probably never get to have that because of something I can’t control at all. But everyone thinks differently, it’s just really hard for me to understand I guess??
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    We’re doing a destination wedding so I’m actually not sure if she will even be able to be there! Plus I’m only having one bridesmaid if any, I haven’t decided yet. If we were having a bigger wedding around home I would’ve definitely wanted to ask her though. And I’d love to sit down and talk things out but knowing how stubborn she can be sometimes I think that would make it worse... she’ll be engaged before I get married so I’m hoping at that point she’ll finally be over it and be happy again lol.
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  • H
    Dedicated December 2018
    Hayley ·
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    Girl, same! She never liked a single post! But hey, I’m way better off without her, so it’s her loss. If your friend can’t be happy for you, then maybe it’s best to let the natural growing apart phase happen. If she wants to make an effort she will, but you can’t be the only one trying. Good luck with this whole situation!
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Thank you!!!
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Ugh, sorry you’re dealing with this. She’s being immature. She should be happy for you! It’s sad, but sometimes weddings show true colors and she is not showing she’s a true friend. If you’d like to try once more, you could reach out with a “I’m hurt you haven’t supported my engagement or even said congrats. I really want to share my excitement with you.” If you get crickets, or negativity, it’s time to move on. ☹️

    I’m in my 40s and lost a friend who had already been married/divorced years ago. She stopped coming to “girls night” and the last straw was she said she was out of town for my reception and was going to send a gift (never did, never followed up after to ask about it or reach out to get together). C’est la vie! Some friendships fade when you get married but you also get new ones (as a married couple, my hubby & I have met other couples and double date night out is so fun!).

    Big hugs to you!
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Thank you! Many of my friendships have fizzled out a little bit because I don’t party or go out like I used to, I love to be at home and/or with my family. I think this specific friendship may be setting sail because unfortunately this isn’t a first conflict and there’s things that are worth getting over but I feel like at this point it may not be worth it. The constant “we’re going to have more money than you” “we should’ve been engaged first” “we’ve known each other longer” is becoming annoying and I’m tired of trying to keep a friendship with someone who’s really starting to show that she thinks she’s better than me. Not worth it
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Yup, seems this friendship is coming to an end...which will be better for you. I had a 15-year friendship end a few years ago and was very upset. I tried reaching out....nothing (she got mad I cancelled an outing because I was EXHAUSTED from new job). I realized for a few years it was usually her way...I had to visit her, I had to provide her free business tips, I needed to reach out more or she'd get hurt. When she ended our friendship, I was hurt but that year made some amazing new (and mature) friends! It sucks you can't share your wedding happiness with her but share with your WW community and other friends.

    Smiley heart

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  • Gloria
    Super March 2019
    Gloria ·
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    Don’t feel bad 😔 I have lost some friends like that but we have to move on even if it bothers us.
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  • C
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Carina ·
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    I honestly can say that once I was engaged and folks starting finding out I was in the midst of wedding planning...people started coming out of the woodworks in both positive and negative ways.

    Let's just say I've started to learn who my real friends are.
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    I have about two really good friends who have been really supportive and always seem very happy for me even though we’re in different points in our lives. I guess it’s better to have four quarters than a hundred pennies...
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Yes, I needed to vent but I feel now that I need to let the friendship go and just be happy. Her negativity shouldn’t be my problem!!
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  • Danielle
    Dedicated September 2019
    Danielle ·
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    It blows my mind how much people change so quickly. Like we hung out multiple times a week, then a few weeks leading up to our vacation week (he proposed on vacation) she got kind of distant. I fired it was just because she was starting back to school or something but now we don’t even talk. True colors right there...
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  • Gloria
    Super March 2019
    Gloria ·
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    I totally agree with you .I had to let my friendships go with two of my best friends ,just because I’m getting married .they were not true friends because if they were they should’ve been happy for me .So I definitely understand how you feel
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