Having a hard time forgiving/warming up to future mother-in-law

None of us were in your shoes and the more info we get, the more it seems both sides were at fault. At the time of visit, you were just a girlfriend of 2 years or so and it also sounds like FH spends a lot of time/holidays with YOUR family who already live close by. I suspect mom was struggling with her own daughters not being there and now son, whom she rarely sees, comes with a girlfriend who is homesick and he strongly suggests she honors your tradition while she's probably going through the motions of getting through the day grieving her own lost traditions by having her own family present and time with her son. Most likely, in her eyes she has lost her son to you and your family and is resentful of that. It doesn't help that you ran to your family and complained how you were treated and now they all want her exiled. The fact that she wants to help with wedding shows that she is trying to support her son's relationship and wants to be included in your lives.

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I was not "just a girlfriend." My fiance and I were already living together and were in a serious relationship.

My fiance's mom has not lost him. He zooms with her he and his family once a week.

And no, I am not letting her help plan, I don't feel comfortable, not after Thanksgiving and not after she rudely turned down my request to have a nice bonding moment with her and her daughters.

And honestly, things change. Relationships don't stay the same when kids marry. My family has graciously accepted the changes that have come with me being in a serious relationship with my boyfriend and they have accepted him wholeheartedly.

I also feel everyone is ignoring or glossing over my fiance's mom turning down my suggestion for us and her daughters to hang out. I can't find a reason for such rudeness.

When my boyfriend met my dad, he suggested they go fishing. Fishing isn't necessarily my dad's favorite thing, but he still graciously accepted as a way of getting to know my boyfriend.

I will say that my boyfriend's request caught his mom off guard. She is not good with change in the least.

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You are assuming information not in evidence. You have created a whole story about what she was actually thinking that is not really related to what she said. Stick with what she actually said and the logical reason behind, the actual context of the request, etc.

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She gave a reason - she said that she didn't have time for that type of activity. Clearly she wasn't interested in going out to get her nails done. Believe it or not, not all women get manicures. Not all women get manicures with other women. Did you suggest an alternative activity? Did you ask her what she and her daughters like to do?

These are seriously minor "infractions" that you're obsessing over.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this!! I was sympathetic towards the poster until I read all all the comments/details!! Look at it from an outsider perspective- your FH spends all his holidays with your family; he makes an off the menu request after his mom already did the shopping/cooking, and then leaves for dessert so you can get what you want ? I am sure your FH only meant well, but when you look at it from your FMIL’s side...Well. It sounds like you both just need to actually talk to each other.

I wouldn't let her help plan if I were you

View Quoted Comment I think you are interpreting events the way YOU want to. You have already decided you were in the right and there is nothing I can say to change your mind clearly, but I still firmly believe you and FH were in the wrong on multiple fronts and you have made mountains out of molehills. So she didn't want to get her nails done with you, so what?? You are clearly set on being the victim and spiting this woman so go for it I guess, have fun with the consequences.

Everyone’s piling on OP because her FH asked for a certain dish to be made - my daughter has asked that before when she has brought an SO home. That’s not some beyond the pale request! My daughter knows that holiday dishes can have a lot of meaning - she would miss sweet potatoes with sugar and cinnamon - so wants to make any guests feel at home as much as possible. I’ve made dishes before at her request for her girlfriend. If I can’t do it I say “Sorry honey I can’t get to it, how about we have it tomorrow?” I can’t imagine 1. Blaming the gf for my daughter’s request and 2. Calling the gf names.

People on this forum are so unnecessarily vicious toward original posters. Just answer the question without attacking or assuming. Hypocrites.


I would probably give your FH’s mom another chance. Holidays can be stressful and family traditions can be sensitive sometimes. I’m sorry your FMIL sounded harsh or unwelcoming at first family gathering, but people can change and warm up to things. I think you should just speak with her directly about how you feel and make amends. Good luck!

View Quoted Comment All of this. All of this. You were a guest staying at her home—if anything, the polite thing would be to offer to make the dessert yourself. (And be cheerful if turned down!) For your fiancé to ask repeatedly after she said no is so, so rude. Making Thanksgiving dinner for a crowd is no easy feat.


And your family sounds super toxic. To “flip” over the mother of the groom (who is just as much a part of this wedding as your mom is) offering to help plan your wedding over a comment you have zero context for is absolutely ridiculous.
I would start over with your MIL and pretend Thanksgiving didn’t happen from your end, although I can understand why she’d still be upset with you.

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I did not suggest anything alternative, because of how she shut me down. When I say she shut me down, that is what she did. Just by her tone, it was like, don't make any other suggestions, I'm not interested. It really hurt. Where did I say all women like to get their nails done? I didn't and you shouldn't assume. I thought it was something she might like to do. I never thought all women like to do so.

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Thank you. I feel a lot of posters are unnecessarily nasty. For the LAST time, I did NOT ask for the dessert to be made for me. Two, my fiance's mom had a ton of food in the house as she always does and would not have had to run out to the store to get ingredients. Three, no, I will not let her help plan the wedding. Not after two incidents of her being nasty to me and the general vibe of her not wanting me around at all. No thank you.

View Quoted Comment I think I’m confused on the original question of what do you do. Do you want ideas on how to tell her you don’t want help planning? In that case, I would say you already have a planner but you appreciate the offer.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with Elizabeth. You and FH are the ones in the wrong here. And you are offering up examples that are irrelevant. Your FH didn’t ask to add a new tradition to the thanksgiving. He asked her to change a tradition. Big difference.
And many women don’t like getting manicures/pedicures. I’m sure you are now going to tell me that she always gets manicures and pedicures but the fact of the matter is that maybe she didn’t have time when you sprung it on her in that moment. Have you ever tried to actually plan something ahead of time with her or just spur of the moment expect her to drop everything because you asked?

Let it go. Your Fi did something most people people would call rude, asking her to change the menu last minute, adding something that takes a long time to make to a holiday meal with zip notice. So she blew up - in her own home, thinking no one was listening ( did you step forward so she would know? No.)
So you overheard something 2 years ago that you are holding against her? You and FI will have a lot of fights over time. Are you going to hold things said 2 years ago against him? Bring them back over and over? That is a way to end up in divorce court. Let it go. Now, and in the future.

Does your fiance know exactly how you feel? Has he spoken to his mom about it? Did you guys make any effort to see his parents/family on non holiday occasions before that? Everyone's circumstances are different, but I can't imagine only visiting his family twice in two years. Could it be that his mom was hurt by that? It sounds like she barely knew you when your fiance made the dessert request the night before Thanksgiving. I can see where she's coming from. That being said, I don't agree with how she voiced her displeasure, and I think it's a conversation that your fiance needs to have with her. Could wanting to help with the wedding be her way of extending an olive branch? If you think there's any chance of that, I would take her up on her offer, but be very upfront with your guy's expectations and wishes. She's going to be in your life now, so if she's not toxic, and you said she isn't, I would try to mend things now. Especially if you're planning on having children.

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Listen, I understand that you didn't ask your FH to ask his mother, and that you didn't ask her yourself. It was a nice gesture from your FH on your part to ask, but it was rude to his mother to ask the night before Thanksgiving. It was a kind gesture to you, but a rude one to his mother. It can be both things.

FMIL turning you down for nails is not an end of the world thing, even if it was short and cold. It was the first time you met her, maybe that's just how she is and you haven't gotten to know her well enough to know that it wasn't intended to be cold. I know when people first meet me that's all too often how I come off.

This situation has gotten really out of control in my opinion. You're wrong to hold this moment against her. You've had very few interactions with her from what I've seen and haven't had a chance to really get to know her outside of these bad moments. When she asks about helping plan you could try being honest with her and just letting her know that you're unsure of it because you don't feel that she likes you and could explain about what you heard on Thanksgiving. That could open the conversation up and allow you to work through this issue.

You're marrying her son, which means you're joining their family, if he has a good relationship with his mother, you're better off at least making some kind of effort to see if she's truly a horrible person or if you both just got off on the wrong foot.

Take a step back, breathe, and try to start over with FMIL.

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I feel the SAME exact way.

The first time FH ever came to dinner at my house, my mom made the menu to what he would eat! Even to this day, she makes his favorite desert when he comes over or will make him his own meal if she's already planned something that he wont eat.

I understand OP's FMIL turning down adding another desert the night before Thanksgiving, by I think OP's real issue is the way it was turned down, not the fact that it was turned down. There was no need for FMIL to throw a hissy fit that its "her house, her family her dinner" it could have been a simple "I really don't have time to do that for tomorrow, but next time you guys are in town I will"

OP don't let these people get to you!

A simple "thanks for offering by my mom and I have planning under control right now, but if anything pops up we could use help with I'll let you know" will do, even if you don't have plans to let her assist, it will relieve her from budging in. This is what I'm doing with my FMIL. Like you, my moms been in the wedding business, has a lot of contacts and a lot of information on the right way to do things, so I'm taking my moms lead.

Well, I don't think this is about bread pudding. You are completely fine to not involve your future mother-in-law (FMIL) in wedding planning. It's always ok to say "thanks, but we have this covered" to offers of help. But the real problem I see is that you are holding this grudge for a year and a half and that is doing you no good.

For your own sake, I would work in letting that go and moving past it. Be polite and keep to superficial topics with your FMIL. Hold no expectations about her behavior; that way she can't let you down.