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Beginner August 2018

Having problems with my husband

Amanda , on September 15, 2018 at 11:31 PM Posted in Married Life 0 21
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My husband and i keep having issues and fighting. They are mostly my fault and i feel horrible about it. I feel like i cant trust him though. He lies about stuff i ask him about like i asked him about the liquor i know he's been hiding and he says it doesnt exist. He knows i dont like when he smokes cigarettes but i would rather him tell me he wants one instead of telling me to go inside then i later walk out and he hides the cigarette under his knee thinking i wont see it and lies about it. He got trashed and yelled at me making me feel like a piece of crap on our wedding night and said its my fault that thats what i remember of our wedding night even though i didnt do anything but what should happen on a wedding night (intimacy). Today i tries to be honest with him about my feelings about him drinking so much and told him i dont like the way he treats me when he drinks and he started yelling at me saying thats the only thing that makes him happy and not want to killing himself is drinking its what makes things not so boring. I get it some things are more fun with drinking but he makes it like its the only thing that is fun instead of going and doing something to not be bored, he drinks. He makes me feel like i dont make him happy, like he married me because he thought thats what comes next in the relationship it didnt seem like he actually wanted it. He is always complaining like we're gonna end up divorced and im gonna take half of his stuff and thats always been something he brings up as a "joke" and during arguments. I feel that when he says that i want to say "then why did you marry me?" Because it makes me feel like he is more worried about that than losing me. Well i think thats all i have to say right now i know its a little all over the place and jumbled up but i needed to say it and i need some advice about how to be able to trust him or how to let the little things go easier and what to do about my marriage.

21 Comments

Latest activity by MIWM, on September 17, 2018 at 9:06 PM
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    Whoa whoa whoa. Stop. WHY do you think anything above is “mostly your fault”?

    Nothing above is your fault. It sounds like the fault of your husband and his drinking. THAT Is not your fault.
    Was he drinking before you were married? Has it gotten worse or are you guys just together more? His habits sound worrisome. Him “sneaking” things make it sound like he may need some help.

    Are you guys able to have rational conversations when he is sober ? If so, that’s a place to start. If not— that’s a much bigger issue.

    The most important thing i can try to reiterate is: you are not at fault here. You are not at fault for his drinking, nor for the way he behaves when he does. Please do not forget that.

    Couples counseling is a good idea for any couple— it sounds like he could really benefit from it, but also sounds like he may resist. If you guys can communicate while he’s sober, I’d try to suggest it.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Did your husband have drinking issues before you got married, or is this a recent problem? You're right in being concerned. This isn't a little thing and you shouldn't just let it go. It sounds like he's struggling with other things, leading to his drinking. Does he have a history of depression? Is he on any medications that could be causing changes in his mood or suicidal ideations?

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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    We cant really have good conversations when he is sober he is bad at communicating and has anger issues. In know this is probably too much info but we just tried making love and he was close to finishing he said for me to ready for something so i did it came out too early and he was in a rush to put it back in and there was an issue doing so he stormed out of the bedroom and washed off conintued to say "you couldnt just have stayed still for 20 more seconds. I have to do everything everytime." So i told him id do the rest and he said it never works unless hes doing the work. In the state of mind im in i feel l i'll ke i cant do anything right without pissing him off even sex. I feek like i screw everythinh up without even trying i feel like i should just not say anything ever and not move or touch him unless he wants me to touch him. I dont know what to do.
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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    Yes he had drinking issues before we got married but it never got this bad. And he never had the greatest childhood which lead to his drinking he had therapy for awhile to talk about his issues but it put him in a worse mood and he fot really busy with life so he stopped going.
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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    Im also concerned because we've only been married for almost 1 month and we're already having this bad of issues
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  • S
    Dedicated December 2018
    Stacy ·
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    Be very careful because verbal/emotional abuse (which it sounds like he is definitely doing!) often turns into physical abuse and violance. If he's not willing to go to counseling (and AA meetings!) then you need to go yourself (and go to Alanon meetings!). You need to protect yourself at this point before if gets worse and that might mean leaving him.
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    Please, this.
    OP please, none of this is your fault. Your husband has issues that have nothing at all to do with you (please don’t believe him if he tries to tell you otherwise).
    This situation honestly scares me. This is not a good place to be.

    It seems like space would be beneficial. OP, time doesn’t matter. You’re not failing at marriage if you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship— you are succeeding at doing what is best for you. Please PLEASE always remember that that is the single most important thing in your life. This is on him NOT you. You need to take care of yourself. And you do not deserve to be treated like this.
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    If he can’t understand that he needs help for the sake of your marriage, and if he can’t accept help, that is a problem.
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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    You should really try couples therapy. And sounds like he could probably use some individual therapy too!
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  • K
    Dedicated August 2019
    Kate ·
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    This sounds unhealthy for both of you. Don’t feel like you’re failing even if it’s been a month. If you both want this to work he needs to get help, and you need to be in a place that is both emotionally and physically safe. Keep finding your voice and maybe find a counselor who can help you navigate this and support you.
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  • Kayla
    September 2020
    Kayla ·
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    Oh dear please like said above this is not your fault. That sentence right there shows that your self-esteem and self worth are very low or maybe even gone at this point. Before you can do anything to help him you have to help YOURSELF! You are important too. At the beginning and end of everyday the only person you have no matter what is yourself so you have to take care of her first! When you do that you will see you don’t deserve that and if he doesn’t get his self worth in order he will continuously hurt himself you and anyone else. When you put yourself first everything else will fall in line the way it should be, that may not always match what we want but it will be what we need. Good luck honey. Sending love and positive vibes your way. I hope you find your way! (Hugs).
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  • Jane
    Expert May 2019
    Jane ·
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    He is abusing you. He needs serious help before he damages you long-term. Suggest counselling and insist if he refuses. I think you need to make a stand even if it is difficult and only a month after mariage. This won't sort itself out and it is definitely not your fault.

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  • Future Mrs. Petro
    Devoted November 2018
    Future Mrs. Petro ·
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    I'm sorry you are going through all of this and feeling like that! My concern is why you didn't address your concerns with his drinking before you got married as I'm assuming that behavior has not changed.
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  • A
    Dedicated November 2018
    Ashley ·
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    I would seriously consider individual and couple counseling. Sounds like there are some issues he needs to resolve on his own, but I'm sure it is all fixable! Stay hopeful!

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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    He did have drinking issues before but he never showed these things then they all started after we got married i just don't know if i got more worried about what he would do when he drinks so idk if im becoming self destructive in the marriage and if so idk how i would be able to not be destructive in the marriage
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  • Kristina
    Master August 2018
    Kristina ·
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    I'm seeing huge red flags, here.

    1- hiding things from you and not being willing to talk about it are HUGE issues, especially in a brand new marriage. He should be open and honest with you, and if he isn't willing to try, you need both individual AND couple's counseling.

    2-Yelling and screaming at you like that is abuse. It is mental and emotional abuse. Do not take it for anything less, and remember that when he does it again. It is NOT, in any sort of way, your fault. Nothing you described here is your fault. Yelling at you during the sex thing is absurd. He shouldn't be ordering you around during sex (Unless it's a consensual role-play type of deal) and shouldn't be yelling at you for "not staying still." That's 100% abuse.

    3-It seems like his issues stem from a long past of issues. It's not your job to fix them. Urge him to seek help. If he won't, sweetheart, it's not going to change. You have to remember to do what's right for YOU, not for him. Not if he isn't willing to make you happy, too.

    4- If you do end up having to leave/divorce, remember it's HIM who drove you to it, and you deserve to be happy. No one deserves to be treated like this. Individual counseling will help you come up with some coping mechanisms and hopefully help you get out if need be.

    I wish you the best of luck. It's not normal to have these types of things said to you, no matter how young or old the relationship is.

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  • A
    Devoted October 2018
    Ashley ·
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    Looking back at something else you posted before the wedding, it looks like there was an issue from the start. You don't need to stand for the abuse. He is clearly the one with the problem, and I wouldn't try to force something (ie: marriage) that could put yourself in worse situation. I wish you the best of luck.
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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    We also have opposite schedules which kind of creates problems. He works 1p-10:30p,12:30a, or 2:30a and i work 5a-1p ive been trying to have sex with him everyday and last night he said he didnt want to but then he waits till i go to work and jacks off for pornhub when im at work. I feel very disrespected when he does this i have told him how i feel and i told him i will have sex everyday so he doesnt have to but he does that crap. I am his wife i feel i should be the only one he should be looking at/getting pleasure from. I know he is just watching but i feel disrespected that it is other women he is getting pleasure from looking at. I have bought new lingerie for us and have been willing ti try new things and say i am willing t have sex everyday however many times he wants and he still waits till im at work and jacks off instead of sex with me when i offer all the time. And today i found where he came on the floor and tried cleaning it up and i asked him about it i didnt "throw a fit" about it or complain i simply asked and he got pissed and said im acting like my mother always finding something to nag about and he said he was about ready to get a seperate apartment from me. I dont know what to do all i did was ask and he says all these hurtful things. Any advice on what i can do about this?
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  • Laura
    Champion June 2010
    Laura ·
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    Hey Amanda. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult and hurtful situation. We're thinking of you and are concerned about you. Do you feel safe? Do you have a support system in your life with people who know how you feel and can be there for you? Someone from our team will be reaching out to you privately soon via the email address on your account to check in on you.

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  • A
    Beginner August 2018
    Amanda ·
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    I feel safe physically i just don't know how i can fix things between us and i don't know what ive done so wrong to make things like this.
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