Having the ceremony after getting legally married

I don't think that many are intentionally hiding it (Kaitlyn's story there just sounds like a clusterfuck that is not the norm...). Most either don't go out of their way to inform everyone "hey I'm legally married!" or just don't know that it'd be an issue for some people.

Eileen I agree, that sounded like a shit show. Also, I don't know many people that would be so shitty to walk out of a wedding with their gifts. They'd sure side eye it, but they wouldn't be rude and walk out.

I do agree with you that OP isn't going to hide it, most do go out of their way to say "I'm married!!", which is normal. They don't say "I'm legally married". However there are those few that do hide it, which is sad.

ETA: clarity

People leaving a wedding with their gifts?

That is ridiculous.

I agree with @Eileen!

FH's family is from FL, and they own a house in VT. They have a lot of very close friends in VT that didn't make our final guest list. Apparently one of their friends in VT is a JP and asked if in December they could have a small but legal ceremony for us in VT so all their friends could be there. We thanked them for the offer but we didn't want all of our guests travelling so far for us to not be traveling when we were already legally married. But for some people this is an option but I agree you should let your guests know that you are already legally married.

@MrsWrs Okay. I never said she said anything about poor hosting...

I said be honest. Oh honey I know all about immigration issues. My DH and I thought about going to the courthouse many times during our engagement but we wouldn't lie about it. I don't understand why we'd host a huge party afterwards though.

I literally told her to be honest and that I don't understand why she'd do it.

@ MrsBdeG and others, "why she'd do it"? Because OP wants to. If someone wants to throw a party to celebrate their marriage with friends and family at a later date, why do you or anyone else need to "understand why"?

Life happens. Things are messy, they don't always go as we would like. We don't always get to plan things as we imagined them happening. Sometimes we don't get to plan at all. Marriages can (and often are) hugely based in family (both blood-related and those we choose to surround ourselves with), so it seems pretty natural to me to want to celebrate your union with people who care about you, who may have helped bring you together, who have nurtured and supported your relationship and you are individuals throughout your lives.

And if you choose not to go that route and go "more traditional" or just elope and call it a day? Cool. But no one owes anyone an explanation as to why they choose a particular arrangement.

We had ours in large part for family. I would have been just fine with saving the $25k and having a kick-ass vacation. But I'm literally the first among a very close group of cousins (I'm actually the baby of all the cousins) in YEARS to get married and everyone's been thirsty for a family wedding. We're all scattered along the coast as well and everyone really went out of their way to make it to the wedding which actually felt like a family reunion in many ways.

If the party was just for me and hubby, I would've said "fuck it."

Eileen, yessss! I’ve really struggled with the family wedding vs eloping. I keep cutting our guest list, lol. FH said by the time I’m done we’ll have 10 people. Lol if only!!!

We have done this, we have been married over a year now and our wedding is now a week away. Our families do not know though, so it is like the first time for all of them. We aren't calling it a vow renewal, but like I said it is a secret for us or well mostly our family, we have friends that know. I do not know if you are military or not, but it is pretty common!

Papers on one day, wedding on another is incredibly common. Especially in the military. As far as I'm concerned, if it feels like your wedding, it's your wedding. Have fun.

@Cristina that is so disgraceful that you would lie to your families. You are lying to all these people!

@HisBeauty, after the wedding now, I didn't have any regrets about not eloping though. It was so worth it to see family I haven't seen in years and to meet all their kids for the first time. The only regret was not making a decision about it sooner because cramming wedding planning into 5 months was very stressful.

Yeah, nothing screams LOVE more than lying to your nearest and dearest.

@Abbie I'm cool if she wants to throw 12 vow renewals in a year. I'm just saying don't lie about it.

Also, I know all about "life" so thanks for that lesson. Super informative.

Since when has this process been about lying?

In my mind, I'd be pretty pissed if I went to a wedding and the bride and groom were like "jk we've been married for x years but didn't want to admit it"

Eileen, yeah, we were originally trying to push for April, but I was rushing. We postponed until September. This gives us time for visa paperwork, and ensure we do it correctly and not screw it up while trying to rush. I want relatively small, just 30-35 guests. Inviting my entire family would be over 100 people. :0

Sending you well wishes for the visa process. I'm coming up on the 1 year mark since starting the fiance visa process for hubby. Now just waiting for the green card....

Up here you have to sign the marriage license in front of everyone so "the paperwork" is important and everyone would know if you were already married.

If you are honest with people, I don't see the big deal.

Eileen, thank you. It's so tedious, but I'd rather postpone things and ensure we do it correctly than try to rush and mess up. We chose September for our new month. We were told we should be ok timeline wise, and once approved he has 6 months to come to the states, and once here we have 90 days. So we figure September is the safest thing, but lately I'm really considering cutting a lot and just doing very small, intimate with close friends and family. But I have this new vision I want to see come to life for the wedding, lol. I'm just having a hard time justifying spending $10k for 35 people.

I am team Do You.

FH and I got legally married in July, and *gasp* do not plan to tell anyone except for my mother and our officiant. We will invite friends and family to our wedding in (hopefully) May. We needed to make it official early because I was losing my health insurance and have health issues that required lots of doctor visits. Plus, FH is military and we don't know when we'll be moving. I do not discount any courthouse marriages or see them as "less than". For us, our wedding in May will be more meaningful, but that's because we will be doing it with more intention, care, and spirituality. We did not place any emphasis on the legal ceremony and made it as quick as possible. We will sign our Ketubah (Jewish wedding contract) at our wedding in May and will consider that to be our future wedding anniversary date.

I think it's all about what matters to you and the meaning you and your future spouse place on the various aspects of the process.

If anyone who is invited to my wedding intends to look up the record of my marriage license and sees that as a reason to not attend, great! They can stay home.