He cheated... now what?

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Also keep in mind that the act of "getting married" won't magically stop him from cheating in the future. He will, in all likeliness, stay as he is now.

Here's something else that you may want to take into consideration that most people do not: If you do get married and choose to get divorced afterwards, understand that it's a long, difficult, and expensive process. Consider the balance of power and wealth in the relationship. Do you really want him, a cheater who has caused you immense emotional distress, potentially getting half of everything you've worked for? Especially considering you have a son to provide for? Hope with your heart but think with your brain.

Just as there are various love languages, there are various languages associated with forgiveness. I know most people aren't like this, but I am retribution oriented. If I found out my FH cheated, I personally would drag his ass out the house and call him out in front of his family and friends. And I'd make him pay back every penny I ever put forth towards our relationship, with a little extra. If you choose to reconcile, what does forgiveness mean to you?

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I agree. DO NOT TELL ANYONE, especially your immediate family. They will remember this for forty years, no lie.

Personally, I would dump his cheating ass. I could never trust him again, and if you can't trust your hubby who can you trust. Working late? Really? Maybe, maybe not. Tempted to go through his phone while he showers? Hard pass. Going out with the boys but you want to follow him? Yeah.....no.

I will be cold water blunt with you: If you forgive him, which is admirable, you are giving him the upper hand (when it should be equal) and, again to be blunt: Permission to do this again as he knows you will forgive him. I am bit older than most here (55) and have seen more, and lived through this with friends. It never ends well. 5K is NOTHING compared to the cost of a divorce. Sorry again to be blunt but THIS IS SERIOUS. Stop telling people, you don't need a reason to break it off. Just say we are following different paths. Good luck to you.

Kristen I am so sorry to hear this. My heart aches for you. As many others have said, you deserve the best. No one should ever make you question yourself or your relationship.

Aht aht! No no no. You had me at he cheated.. then you said a few times. No offense but for me we would be OVER. Theres no coming back after that. We're engaged, that means you've already made the decision that you want to spend your life with me, and me only. He cheats multiple times before you even get married... He'll do it again but next time you'll be his wife. Smh I dont know you, im sure you're great and super sweet. So i cant tell you what to do, but please do what your soul tells you. Dont ever force a relationship no matter the level. You deserve the utmost respect and love as a fiance and wife. He crossed a line that theres no coming back from. Period!

As far as the wedding and deposits, get the money back, or have him pay your dad back and then let that be the last you deal with him. How much information you tell people is a choice, but i would just say that the wedding is off and we're no longer together. Be honest. Because what he did isnt okay at all! And you dont deserve that.

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Wouldnt be a possibility for me! No way, no how! But this is true ...

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Completely agree. I said the same. Next time he cheats you'll be his wife. And the pain from that will be unimaginable. I wouldnt be able to move forward with the relationship. No way.

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Yes, get out now is my view as well.

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I feel the same. Cheating is a deal breaking 100%. At this stage of your life thats the last thing that you should have to worry about. So sorry.

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You're right. So right. I wouldnt be able to get past it and stay. No way no how.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for sharing your opinion.

So far these are the steps he has taken to start building trust... We saw a couples counselor and it was brought up his drinking and he will also see an alcohol counselor as all of his bad decisions were while under the influence... he added a tracker on both his phones so I can check on him if I feel the need as well as added me as a joint account holder on his bank account so I can track expenses... Its only day 5 but he has taken a lot of good steps its just so hard to not just want to completely give up even though he is trying...

If you are willing to work it out there is no reason for you to tell much people the truth, there may be some resentment towards him and your dad may be disappointed.


I would say blame Covid and take as much time as you need until you feel safe and sure.
You are brave! Stay strong! ❤️

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I can appreciate that he's showing signs of trying. But at that point doing all that feels like you're babysitting your man which can turn really toxic and negative very quick. To be in a relationship where you have to do all of that just sounds like a lot of work and a recipe for disaster. But, If this is what you feel like will make things better go for it. I hope you get what you're looking for.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.

To be blunt from my own experience, you absolutely should be honest with the people who love you and treat you right about what's happening in your life. He was a liar, and now his actions are tempting YOU to be a liar. Look at how you are already being isolated from the people you love, trying to protect him and his reputation. And when you're isolated like this, it makes it so likely that you will make a bad decision --- you are distraught and you aren't getting the guidance of the people who love you most and know you best.

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Your heart hurts, I am sure. It is easy to grasp onto how he is taking the steps but 5 days is not a long time. You have hope and you want to believe. I would say try to step out of your situation and pretend this was a close friend. What would you say to her?

So you can track him and check on him now. Forgive me but now it sounds like you have 2 kids instead of one. So how long do you want to do this? Sounds like he may have an alcohol issue along with cheating? Addiction is a long thorny road that will not resolve itself in a few months. It will take longer. I think taking a big step back is critical here. Only time will give you an answer if you believe you can trust him. Has he earned that time?

I’m so sorry you are going through this! How terrible. You deserve better, you are worth more than this love. I know some women can forgive but I personally would be so broken. On the bright side —- 5k down the drain is still cheaper than a divorce. You dodged a bullet. If you do by chance consider taking him back I wouldn’t tell anyone about his infidelity/cheating— you may forgive it but others who care about you likely won’t.

That would be a dealbreaker for me. I think nobody needs to know unless you want to tell them. Your guests and parents will understand.

They love you, and they do not want to see you marry someone just because you've invested all that money. I am sorry you are going through this. It's not your fault. Money can be recouped afterall, your life cannot be.

I do not think it is wise to move forward with this marriage.

My mom was engaged to a man who cheated on her, and my mom's aunt told her she saw him with another woman. They had honeymoon tickets already. They broke up.

Then she fell in love with the love of her life, who is my dad and they have been married for 33 years. Honestly, in my opinion, my parents have the perfect marriage. It all worked out, but I don't want to imagine what it would've been like if she had still married that other guy when she KNEW he had it in him to cheat on her.

You are strong. You are beautiful and this is not your fault.

I think forgiveness is important, but that doesn't mean you should subject yourself to someone who obviously has so little respect for you or your relationship.

I think if you are already married, it is very difficult to overcome infidelity. People do it, but I just think that is too much of a violation of trust. If you break a mirror, you can put it back together but it will always be broken. That would be your trust. I know you WANT to forgive your fiance because you love him, but when people show you their true colors, believe them.

Be blessed and take care. I am sorry you are going through this.

View Quoted Comment Very well said. ❤️ Sometimes we forgive because we are afraid of a life without them. But honestly a life of feeling insecure and always needed to know what he is doing can for sure mess with your mental. Always choose you, no matter who it hurts or disappointments.

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I agree, If you do not plan on taking him back tell your dad the truth

View Quoted Comment I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine the heart ache. As others have said, these steps are all well and good but it puts the onus on you to then start checking up on him. Do you really want that to be your life? Also, I worked with domestic violence survivors for years, and I will tell you what I always told them. Alcohol doesn't make someone do anything. Alcohol lowers one's inhibitions so that they do what they wanted to do all along. Alcohol doesn't make bad decisions, it just makes it easier to do them. So his decision to cheat was because he wanted to do so. The alcohol just took away the voice in his head that says there are consequences to his actions. Your decision to take him back is yours alone. However, along with couples counseling, I would maybe see an individual therapist to help you sort out all of your own thoughts and feelings surrounding these issues and this decision. I wish you and your son the best ❤.