He just called off the engagement last night. I'm totally lost. What should i do?

I am so sorry you are going through this! It seems like he wants you to change for him and that he is unsure about a marriage. In my opinion, you deserve someone who is just as excited as you are to get married!

View Quoted Comment

Emily, thank you for your warm comment. I think I know that I should move on. But it's hard whenever I think that I have put so much effort on this relationship. It is not even the first time he called off the engagement. He broke up last year, almost called off the engagement last May and..last night. I think I'm getting tired of begging him saying we're meant to be.. Anyways! Thank you. I really do appreciate it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be very difficult. Did he say why he wants you to formally study English before considering getting married? Also, without the fiance visa, how does he expect you to move to the US? Just based on your writing, it seems that you have a strong grasp of the English language. If you can effectively communicate in writing, I'm assuming you can communicate equally as well, if not better, when speaking.

It sounds like he has been doing similar things for awhile now and this is a pattern. I would talk to him and explain that you are not interested in going back to school. Honestly, asking you to still move to a different country and say he changed his mind about the engagement at the same time sounds incredibly selfish of him.

I wouldn't think about it in terms of how much you've already put in, but by how much pain he may continue to cause you if you keep begging.

He broke up with you before, then tried to call off the engagement before? It sounds like you barely know each other, having been long distance most of the time. Why would you stay with someone is trying to break things off multiple times? Divorce is much harder and more expensive than a broken engagement.

View Quoted Comment

Hell Hannah, thank you for your comments.

We have both agreed to start K1 visa last year. But now he is saying that he does not allow me to the US because the fiancee visa means that he is ready for the marriage in 90 days after me entering to the US. That's why he is asking me find a way to stay with him as he does not want to do long distance anymore. He said why wouldn't I try to go language school to study more English which will be good for me to get a job in the US. You're right. My English is enough to work in my country. I really do not want to spend more money on improving my English. I already told him I'm not interested in school things. He said let's find another way for me to enter the US legally.

He probably wants to spend more time with me as normal couple without worrying about the marriage. I don't understand. I'm just depressed and I don't know what to do. I just wanted to ask to Americans if I am acting selfish because I thought I tried all my best to stay with him. I don't want a green card. Giving up all my family and friends to be with him was not even easy decision for me when I started to prepare the visa. But now he changed his mind.

View Quoted Comment

Hello Willow,

Thank you for the comments. I'm now seeing the fact more clearly not emotionally. It was his decision not mine. You're very right.

It sounds as though he wants to keep his options open by not having to get married within the 90 days. However, he also doesn't want you to be long distance, so he wants another way for you to enter the country (under a student visa).

I can understand his wanting more time as a normal couple (and not long-distance) to make up his mind. But he's asking you to give up your home and friends to move to the US, and to study a course you aren't very interested in in order to have the visa that would make that possible, all so he can figure out whether he wants to marry you. The least he can do is to pay for the course and your living expenses while you are taking it. If he is willing to do so, that would at least indicate that he's serious about wanting to explore the possibility of a relationship with you, and you'd need to decide whether the sacrifices you'd need to make to pursue a possible (but far from certain) relationship with him would be worth it. But if he's making no sacrifices of his own (not moving to your country and not paying your expenses to move to the US), I would be very wary.

View Quoted Comment

I think poster "2nd bride" has done an excellent job of summarizing an interpretation your situation. I'm an American college professor, so I understand a little about the realities of international students studying in the US on a student visa. First, if studying is NOT something YOU want to do, you are NOT being selfish to say no, and I'd encourage you to end this relationship and move on. However, if as 2nd bride suggests, your fiance wants more time to get to know each other before marrying, then I agree he should demonstrate his commitment to you by paying for your program and expenses -- if that arrangement would be agreeable to you. I'm sorry he's changing the expectations so late in the process. If he isn't ready to marry you, he should not have proposed. That was very unfair to you. Based on your writing, and the thoughts you've conveyed, you seem like a very intelligent and educated young woman. Trust your instincts, and if your gut reaction is that his change in plans isn't good for you, then walk away. You deserve to be loved fully for who you are -- we all do. Divorce is bad for anyone, but for a woman who has left her family and friends and traveled far for a "new life," that isn't what was promised/expected, it might be especially devastating. Take your time and think all your options through. Good luck to you!

View Quoted Comment

Dear MOB & 2d Bride,

Thank you so much for your sweet and warm comments. I wish I could send you even a coffee coupon if I can do that. Your comments literally made me think clearly about my situation. I don't want to study English even though he pays it for me. Also, the problem is that it would take one more year if we'd want to marry again after me spending a year under student visa. Then we should do long distance again anyways and I'm pretty sure that he would not want that either which means I'm going to end up wasting of time. I just loved him so much and it still hurts but I'll believe that time will heal everything. Thank you ladies again for your comments to encourage me.

I don't have any good advice to add but wanted to say I'm sorry to hear this and hope you feel better soon! This is a tough situation and must be very painful and upsetting. You are very strong to decide what is best for you! I know it will all be better in the future, hang in there ❤

View Quoted Comment Oh yikes! Him calling off the wedding TWICE is a bad sign. He cannot play with your heart like that. It is immature and controlling. Big hugs to you. It is hard but know you deserve better and will find him.

You seem very sweet and intelligent! I truly wish you the best. Please know that you deserve the world! 💖

I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. He sounds like he has a lot of doubts and insecurities. Long distance brings out a lot of these feelings but if he truly sees himself with you in the future, he wouldn’t call off the engagement...twice. And he wouldn’t try to put it back on you to learn more English and get a visa that way. I have a relative who came to the US from Asia to marry a man and they were in a long distance relationship. I’m sure it was tough acclimating to one another’s culture and language but it’s been a few years and they are very happy. I hope you find someone who will cherish you and love you for who you are and where you are in life.

I’m so sorry about this situation. I would say the fact that he’s giving you an ultimatum is a red flag. I understand that you haven’t spent much time together and I can understand if he wants to get to know you better, but there are ways to do that without ending the engagement altogether.

Yeah I don't know about him, I think I get the language part of it, because I am assuming you would live in the U.S. it would be nice to speak both, but honestly he should have thought about that before marrying you. Seems to me that he is not ready for marriage and you deserve someone who is going to love you for you and work through the things that need/want to be done. It is unfair that he is giving you that type of ultimatum. To me if the language thing was such a big deal to him that should have been mentioned a long time ago or learn as you go throughout the engagement/wedding. Hope everything goes well

View Quoted Comment

I think you're being very sensible. I went through the immigration process with my wife, including her taking a whole master's degree she didn't otherwise need in order to be allowed to stay in the US. It was grueling, and that was after we'd at least had six months of living together to try to figure out whether we could make it for the long term. I find it fully understandable that you wouldn't want to do it for someone who has been so changeable about whether he wants to be with you.

View Quoted Comment

Thank you 2d Bride & all.

He still wants to be in the relationship even though he broke off the engagement. I submitted a paper to cancel the visa . And now I'm more calm and be able to think clearly. I decided I'd rather choose not to be angry, needy on his decision nor beg to him to think about it once more. It already happened no matter what whose fault is. Thank you! I will be more focusing on my work, workout and family & friends here in Seoul.

Hi Youri:

I think you are smart looking at this from a cultural perspective. I'm not sure what culture are you from and what the traditions of dating and marriage are there, but my guess is maybe this is confusing from a cross-cultural perspective as well as a personal one.

Most or many couples in the US live near each other and are able to date regularly. Many of those couples then live together before marriage so they really get a sense of what it's like to be with each other full-time.

I would guess from what you've said that perhaps your fiance is concerned that since you've been dating long distance for so long, maybe he feels you don't know each other well enough. Ninety days isn't very long to really get into a groove with a relationship, and it might be quite obvious that something isn't right in that time and he might not want to be stuck with a government-imposed timeline. Given that he is in the military, I would guess he probably has some experience with the government and how it works, and maybe he has some insights that he hasn't shared with you that make him nervous.

Maybe he is concerned for you that if you think your English isn't good (as you stated in your opening of your post) that perhaps you will have a hard time adjusting to live in the US and to the language, and that it will make it difficult for you both to adjust to married life on top of it. I have been hosting exchange students for 10 years, and I can say that full immersion in the language by living day to day and forcing yourself to interact and communicate with native speakers is the best way to learn--far better than language school. Three months may not be a sufficient amount of time to feel completely comfortable with the language, but it IS long enough to help you feel much more comfortable than you probably are now if you really put the effort into it. I don't think you should allow yourself to be pressured into language school.

Ultimately, you know what your head and your heart are telling you. It may be that as painful as it is, he isn't the right person for you, if he continues to throw up roadblocks in your way, when you are already giving up so much to be together. If you think it is worth trying language classes or a tutor and you want to, go for it! I hope this helps. I wish you the best.

Personally I think you're dodging a bullet.. maybe there's a bigger reason why you two aren't getting married and might be a good thing in the long run. You might find a man in your future who would kill to marry you ASAP, and you'll look back and think thank God it didn't go any further. Just some future thoughts, but you're so mature in the way you handled it and I applaud you for it!! You got this girl you're strong and seem super sweet so just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be okay 💕🙏🏼

Don't be sad, great love is coming.