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Savvy August 2021

He lied to me and it may cost our marriage.. What should i do?

Sara, on February 16, 2021 at 9:15 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 55

Hello everyone, So my fiancé and I have been living and dating for 5 years and our relationship as been struggling for over a year. We maybe do “things” once every other month as well as just cute stuff and I just found out he has been lying to me about his school. I graduated from university in...
Hello everyone,
So my fiancé and I have been living and dating for 5 years and our relationship as been struggling for over a year. We maybe do “things” once every other month as well as just cute stuff and I just found out he has been lying to me about his school.
I graduated from university in December of 2019. Before my graduation, I confronted him about his “first degree” which was in music. Apparently he never had one. I was upset but moved past it quickly since this is what he told me when we first started dating (but did keep the lie going).Now, we both have invested seriously in the continuation of his education. He changed course from music to criminal justice since he is military.A year ago, he wasn’t doing well in some classes and I would occasionally ask him about it. When this happened, he would get very upset. So I stopped asking.Through this year of spiraling, I have applied to graduate schools and am planning on mooring to which he is very supportive of and would go with me. We had big plans for our future when he would graduate this spring and I would start grad school in the fall. He would work and build his career and I would be in the books. Both of us following our dreams...He has been slipping. He works security and gets 2 days off a week and works a half day on Friday’s. Every week, he calls out the day before he has those 2 days off and Sunday, he almost got fired because 1.) he does it a lot 2.) it was Valentines 3.) he had just had an uncomfortable talk from his boss the day prior 4.) he wasn’t sick.. he was fine. Needless to say we had a talk about it and he was very upset with me but decided to go in that day. I asked to call them first and he didn’t. So I just told them he was in his way. He then calls me from work yelling saying that I’m going to be the reason he would get fired... not sure why but I was very upset and cried most of the day. When he got home, he acted VERY happy! He was on top of the world and it was like nothing had ever happened... naturally I confronted him the following day. We talked for several hours about where the relationship was going and what we can do. Throughout these 5 years, we’ve had multiple talks like this. Somewhere trust was brought up. And he had mentioned that he was stressed about graduating. I asked him why and he said I don’t know I have A’s and B’s. (He had been saying the A’s and B’s since January.) Since he’s started his last semester, he has been playing with his friends up until at the very least 12am 4 days a week and works 10 hour shifts except on Fridays. I have over $5,000 invested in his education to which I want him to succeed and not this be all for nothing.I let it slide and I asked when did he apply for graduation. He said “I haven’t gotten anything yet”.... I know that’s bs.. we went to the same university and I graduated before him... they start applications at the beginning of the semester and constantly email you about it.. I asked him why hadn’t he looked at the graduation application. No response. I asked him to find the deadline. He was trying to stall. I found it on my phone. The deadline was going to be this FRIDAY! He showed me his email which he checks daily and of course they had been consistently emailing him about graduation.. “you weren’t going to apply or even look at the deadline. We’re you”.... no response.... I asked to see his grades. Not only was he beyond failing... but his classes end in less than one month... March.. I was told May... he has a 36 and a 66... his GPA is a 1.9 (he’s wayyy smarter than that).. and you need at least a 2.0 to graduate... he hasn’t tried this semester to get good grades... I was devastated. My parents have said that if he doesn’t graduate that they would bless our marriage. He lied... is there any coming back from this?? I need help

55 Comments

  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I’m really sorry to hear that. It’s a lot of effort on your side and (unfortunately) he’s more talk than action. My FH knows someone who just became an FBI agent. So, yes, your FH definitely needs to have his ducks in a row and be the self-motivated type. However, you mentioned that he’s in the military. I’m not sure how long he’s been in. But has he ever considered moving up the ranks and making the military his career?
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    He was in for 6 years with 1 deployment to Cuba for a year during our relationship. Honestly he hated it and won a reward down there. Sorry for my spelling but a platalian award?
    He had been a E4 for a while and had done so much work to get promoted but his fitness prevented it. He hated the Army. So he left
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  • Belle
    VIP August 1997
    Belle ·
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    To me, you seems way smarter and way more mature than he is. If I were you, I would postpone the marriage, and see how the relationship go first. Don’t jump into marriage. You seems very young, and divorce is ugly. Very ugly. Not to mention if kids are involved (if you have one during your marriage). I am over 40, and I do have friends with similar stories. They are either divorced, or carry on with their unhappy marriage. Me personally feel more comfortable living with a man smarter and more mature than myself to be able to feel protected. The lying part, if you ask me, that will never change. I am very sorry but I heard wayyyy too many times about people like him. People do change, but their basic character stays. Today he lies about college, in the future he will lie about something else. Sara, what would you think if you have a daughter like you? Would you not talk to her and tell her “baby, you deserve a better man”? Do your parents knows about you paying for his education? Do you tell your parents about his lies?
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    Well said. Me and my mother are very close. She’s my best friend and yeah we fight but I tell her everything. All of this explosion went down last night so I went to my moms to talk with her. Of course she’s saying these things. And honestly, when talking to her about it.. I didn’t even cry to her. I was crying when I left to see her. But when telling her I didn’t. This morning I haven’t cried either... it says a lot...
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah Online ·
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    So...FYI, I went to a criminal justice school where the FBI regularly recruits individuals for agent jobs. As someone else said, they interview EVERYONE. Also, not just the degree, but the grades matter. I don't like being a negative person, but realistically, his GPA will likely exclude him from even getting passed the 1st stage of the application process. The military experience is a bonus, but the GPA is going to be a major red flag to them.


    I agree with others who said you need to sit down and think about what you want your life to be like. The lying is a huge red flag to me. My husband also sorta went to school for criminal justice and has a passion for music. However, he realized after a few semesters, that he didn't really want to get a bachelors or be a police officer anymore. He works in logistics at a warehouse and makes good money and is happy enough. I'm currently pursuing my doctorate, so he is the main breadwinner at the moment. The most important thing in our relationship has always been trust and support. We support each other in our endeavors and trust each other because we are both always honest. Him hiding his grades, lying about a 2nd bachelors, etc. sounds to me like he thinks you may not care for him as much if he doesn't have a college degree. I would sit down with him and explain that your expectation of him to finish is because you are trying to support him in achieving his dreams (if that's true). You need to ask yourself-could you love him if he decided to drop out and do something else? I remember, before my husband and I got married, my dad asked me if I was sure, since I was going for my PsyD and he just has an associates. To me, the degree doesn't matter. I know my husband is intelligent and has all the qualities I want in a man. However, even though he isn't in love with his job, he has a very strong work ethic and is very reliable (almost to a fault-he feels bad calling out even when he is sick). It sounds like your fiance can't bring himself to put in the work in this job. It seems like he really needs to do some soul searching and figure out his direction in life. He may be 28, but it sounds like he's still very much trying to figure out who he is, which is OK. But he needs to want to put in that work to figure it out. I would recommend putting the marriage plans on pause until you both figure out what you want in life and make sure those plans are compatible.
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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    100% this part. This is very true, and they will reach out to his prior jobs and will comb through all fine hairs
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  • Anjali
    Just Said Yes March 2022
    Anjali ·
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    Wow. What is his reason foe not wanting to go to work and just calling out? Just feeling lazy? That’s a really poor work ethic and unfortunately (assuming here) but that probably carries over to other aspects of the relationship as well.. do you really see him stepping up and taking care of things such as having a baby and getting a house together? I think you should sit down and re-examine what your future possibly looks like with him. I know of men that are in their 30’s playing video games all the time and aspiring to just be personal trainers (nothing wrong, just that there’s a LOT of competition) and not even being hard working enough to be able to achieve that and not realizing that they are completely unrealistic about future prospects. Remember your financial and emotional security will be tied to your partner and whether your mental health is getting affected staying with your current partner. Since I/we don’t know how he treats you in other aspects of the relationship we can only provide suggestions based on what we read here. Please sit down with someone you trust and go over the pros and cons of staying with him and whether you think he will ‘grow up’. Life is too short to make yourself unhappy by staying in an unhealthy situation.
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  • Meghan
    Master October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    There is a lot to work through here. I will start by saying it is never acceptable for someone to lie to their partner. So he is in the wrong there. Have you asked him why he lies about these things? It might be that he feels too pressured by you, and apparently your parents, to do well in school. What if college and grad school isn't what he wants? Have you ever asked him what he wants? It sounds like you and your family have told him this is what he has to do, which is not fair. Maybe he was lying so he didn't upset/disappointed him? You two need to have a serious conversation about why he lies and what he wants out of life. If education is not that, but he wants to go into the work force, you two need to sort through that.

    Good luck with everything!

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    This is EXACTLY what I felt reading this too.
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    Thank you!!! I will
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Oh and bad credit! Credit history is really important. If your credit history is shaky, you get screened out quickly.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    He is NOT ready for marriage. Believe him.
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    We’ve never forced him to do anything. We never chose his path. He chose it and we supported him. I’ve been talking with him about this and he still wants criminal justice and his degree. But he’s found out that he doesn’t like taking people down like police officers do or seeing bad people get away with things. However, he still wants to work in the law. There are plenty of other jobs that he wants to do that require a degree... he said he wants to run when things get hard.. he literally just said that
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    Yup! Which unfortunately he doesn’t have good credit
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    My counselor once told me about relationships... “Between potential and sand, I’ll take sand.” I honestly don’t see this guy even having potential. He’s waaaay not ready. You can’t marry a child; he’ll resent you and continue to lie, fight and eventually drag you down with him. I usually say start with counseling but his continual lying and lack of effort shows he’s not even close to marriage material. Sara, you have so much going for you!
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    There's a lot going on here, but I think this is the bottom line. Ask yourself these questions and try to really understand/fully accept that he is showing you who he IS. The best way to protect/respect yourself is to believe him (not his words, but his actions).

    My husband unexpectedly got really sick with a suddenly discovered chronic condition. Up until that point he had been someone who didn't worry about his health or see doctors regularly. I decided then that I wouldn't be his mother. I would rely on him to make his own doctors appointments, do his own research into the condition, and make the lifestyle changes he needed to do. I would of course support him in anyway that he asked and that was reasonable as his partner (e.g., I was already the primary cook, so I of course modified our meals as necessary; but I would NOT monitor his eating).

    He absolutely wised up/stepped up (the stakes were really high) and took control of his health. Part of that may have been me refusing to coddle him (but we'll never know), but part was just him accepting reality and growing up quickly. If he hadn't done any of that and instead had decided to ignore his health crisis and just waste away? I doubt our relationship would have survived the descent.

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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    I'm going to be blunt - he's not going to get into "FBI school" with a barely passing GPA, a history of calling in sick so he can have a 3-day weekend, and a not-quite-there physique. He is not putting in the effort to meet any of his supposed goals. This is not an adult, this is a child in a man's body. He needs to grow up. You are acting like his mother, not his partner.

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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    Wow that’s sounds really difficult. I have to accept that he is responsible for his actions and he he is who he is. Let’s hope he turns his life around too
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  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    Yes it is difficult but it's better for you in the long run. You cannot change him (that is, no adult can make any other adult change; this is not a criticism of you!). You can hope he turns his life around for his sake, but don't lose yourself in the hoping and waiting. I feel for you and wish you well.

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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    I agree with what everyone else has said. He is not ready for marriage or even capable of adulting. He has a lot of growing up to do.
    However, with that said, you are not totally in the clear here. What you call “supporting his choices” I’ve read multiple times as setting extremely high expectations for him that he doesn’t feel he can meet. You found an app to help get him shape and made a competition out of. He heard “she doesn’t think I’m capable of doing it so she has to show me how”. You’re parents wouldn’t support your marriage if he doesn’t graduate from school? Some people aren’t cut out for school and they are perfectly happy, active members of society. I just see a lot of expectations from you that he simply doesn’t feel he can live up to. Partly because he isn’t mature enough to do so and partly because he shouldn’t have to.
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