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Savvy August 2021

He lied to me and it may cost our marriage.. What should i do?

Sara, on February 16, 2021 at 9:15 AM

Posted in Family and Relationships 55

Hello everyone, So my fiancé and I have been living and dating for 5 years and our relationship as been struggling for over a year. We maybe do “things” once every other month as well as just cute stuff and I just found out he has been lying to me about his school. I graduated from university in...
Hello everyone,
So my fiancé and I have been living and dating for 5 years and our relationship as been struggling for over a year. We maybe do “things” once every other month as well as just cute stuff and I just found out he has been lying to me about his school.
I graduated from university in December of 2019. Before my graduation, I confronted him about his “first degree” which was in music. Apparently he never had one. I was upset but moved past it quickly since this is what he told me when we first started dating (but did keep the lie going).Now, we both have invested seriously in the continuation of his education. He changed course from music to criminal justice since he is military.A year ago, he wasn’t doing well in some classes and I would occasionally ask him about it. When this happened, he would get very upset. So I stopped asking.Through this year of spiraling, I have applied to graduate schools and am planning on mooring to which he is very supportive of and would go with me. We had big plans for our future when he would graduate this spring and I would start grad school in the fall. He would work and build his career and I would be in the books. Both of us following our dreams...He has been slipping. He works security and gets 2 days off a week and works a half day on Friday’s. Every week, he calls out the day before he has those 2 days off and Sunday, he almost got fired because 1.) he does it a lot 2.) it was Valentines 3.) he had just had an uncomfortable talk from his boss the day prior 4.) he wasn’t sick.. he was fine. Needless to say we had a talk about it and he was very upset with me but decided to go in that day. I asked to call them first and he didn’t. So I just told them he was in his way. He then calls me from work yelling saying that I’m going to be the reason he would get fired... not sure why but I was very upset and cried most of the day. When he got home, he acted VERY happy! He was on top of the world and it was like nothing had ever happened... naturally I confronted him the following day. We talked for several hours about where the relationship was going and what we can do. Throughout these 5 years, we’ve had multiple talks like this. Somewhere trust was brought up. And he had mentioned that he was stressed about graduating. I asked him why and he said I don’t know I have A’s and B’s. (He had been saying the A’s and B’s since January.) Since he’s started his last semester, he has been playing with his friends up until at the very least 12am 4 days a week and works 10 hour shifts except on Fridays. I have over $5,000 invested in his education to which I want him to succeed and not this be all for nothing.I let it slide and I asked when did he apply for graduation. He said “I haven’t gotten anything yet”.... I know that’s bs.. we went to the same university and I graduated before him... they start applications at the beginning of the semester and constantly email you about it.. I asked him why hadn’t he looked at the graduation application. No response. I asked him to find the deadline. He was trying to stall. I found it on my phone. The deadline was going to be this FRIDAY! He showed me his email which he checks daily and of course they had been consistently emailing him about graduation.. “you weren’t going to apply or even look at the deadline. We’re you”.... no response.... I asked to see his grades. Not only was he beyond failing... but his classes end in less than one month... March.. I was told May... he has a 36 and a 66... his GPA is a 1.9 (he’s wayyy smarter than that).. and you need at least a 2.0 to graduate... he hasn’t tried this semester to get good grades... I was devastated. My parents have said that if he doesn’t graduate that they would bless our marriage. He lied... is there any coming back from this?? I need help

55 Comments

  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    I agree. I know I’m not perfect or in the clear of this. Could I have done better? Yes. My family wouldn’t support him dropping out because it’s his last semester and it’s something he has verbally stated and worked on for years. Of course we would be pissed for him. I was trying to get him motivated because everything we had tried to do failed. People fail all the time at committing to the gym. I’m 100% fine if he changes his direction. My issue is his commitment. If you’re chasing a dream you have to give 100%. I want him to have his dream so badly and honestly that’s my excuse for being hard.. I should’ve eased up... I should’ve let him handle this on his own.. but I didn’t. If he can’t commit fully to finishing his school especially when it’s his last semester and lies... how can he commit to the relationship... I know my faults in this..
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  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Do you want to be a mommy-wife to a liar who can barely adult? That's what you're signing yourself up for.


    I would leave. You can do better. Once you're married, his debt is legally your debt and vice versa. He's going to drag you down emotionally and financially. He's not ready for marriage, and he may never grow up. You're enabling him by funding his education, which he's not even taking advantage of. It doesn't matter if he can do better if he won't do better.
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  • Jessica
    Devoted February 2021
    Jessica ·
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    If it’s not good now it won’t be good after the wedding you are who you are and people evolve but they don’t change. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope things work out for you!
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  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
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    The constant lying would be a dealbreaker for me. He needs time to get himself together. Responsible adults go to work. I have had my bouts of unemployment during our relationship, but I have never lied about it.

    An adult goes to work. An adult does the work for the classes he is paying for. You need to stop helping him and you need a break. It doesn't seem like he wants to be in school or is dedicated to it like you are. He sounds like an immature kid.

    I don't think this is the right time for you to get married to this person. Maybe in a few years when he gets his life together. (By this I don't mean "have all his ducks in a row," all I mean is that he wants to accomplish things and takes the steps to accomplish those things. I have pretty low expectations about someone's career aspirations, just that whatever they want, that they take steps to meet those goals)

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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    To be blunt:

    My Ex did this. He'd lie about going to class, he'd lie about his grades, he'd lie about work.

    Well. Those weren't the only things he was lying about.

    He keeps showing you who he is, and it's not someone you can trust.

    I'm so sorry.

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  • C
    Dedicated November 2021
    Claudia ·
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    No. Leave and find better.
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  • RaylaSan
    Expert February 2021
    RaylaSan ·
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    I would honestly stop and think, and consider what you both want. I don't mind the fact that the boy doesn't want to continue schooling, but I would be very upset about being lied to.
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  • A
    Expert September 2020
    Amanda ·
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    This is a lot. Honestly, it sounds more than a mother talking about her child than a significant other. Firstly, he’s been lying to you for a very long time and continuing to add on and change the lies. This is very telling of how he will handle things in the future. Whether it’s school, work, paying bills, taking care of kids, help around the house... sounds like you’re not going to have much support. He really sounds like a child. Do you want to be holding his hand for everything? Make his doctors appointments? Pack his lunch? Know that if you don’t make sure it’s done it probably won’t be? Doesn’t sound fun.
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  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    Right, not wanting to have a four year degree is not the problem, it’s the lies.
    I get that she was pushing him into college and he felt pressured...but he also said his goal was to be in the FBI. He needs a degree for that, and wasn’t be honest with himself and her that he was just fantasizing about the FBI and had no intentions of actually doing it.
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  • Expert September 2021
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    I would be so frustrated with the lying and lack of motivation if nothing else. I see others commenting about other options instead of college, I agree, but I think the issue here is that he seems like he has no motivation and honestly a little immature. He's lied about school, gets in trouble with work and stays up all hours of the night with his friends. I think he seems a little immature and unmotivated. Sure, you could talk to him about alternative schooling options or jobs, but the issue would be more of the lying and immature behavior for me.

    Sorry you are having to deal with this!

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  • Expert September 2021
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    You seem to be very logical and have a strong future ahead of you. I think this guy is bringing you down and you're having to play mommy to a grown adult. I say you deserve way better and I don't even know the full details to this. I think you've given him plenty of grace

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  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    I'm so sorry you're going through this. These things would honestly be a deal breaker for me. I'd get out now while you can

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  • J
    Dedicated June 2021
    Jessica ·
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    This man will drag you down with him. He isn't on your level and you need to associate yourself with people who will uplift you. This sounds the equivalent of a parent/child relationship. You shouldn't have to parent your partner.

    I once got some great advice from my shrink. During one of our sessions, she asked: "why are you still hanging around "X"? I replied "well, he's sometimes kind and affectionate and loving". Her response was "that's it? A dog can provide everything you just described. Dump the man and get a dog."

    Set a standard. Uphold that standard. And when he can't meet it, find someone who can.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Wish him well and walk away. He needs to grow up, for his own good, not to please you. If by " we maybe do things once a month, and other cute stuff" you mean sex, and cuddling or making out, it sounds like he is either gay, or has little to no interest in sex at all. That will not change to husband material for you. And you need to normalize your dating relationship, if marriage one day is your goal. Someone who is not stuck in adolescent behavior. Someone independent and reliable, who tells the truth. No fantasy of being FBI, which requires a BA and either a Law Degree or other related Masters, and prizes reliability. They would not consider someone who could not geta BA in 4 years unless time off was to do something else, like compete in the Olympics or learn 2 languages. Your guy is 2 steps out of really. He needs to be strong enough to organize his life on his own,, not depending on you, and not constantly lying. You need to find a mature man, not teenager, to marry, and not be mommy or babysitter. Move on.
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  • S
    Savvy August 2021
    Sara ·
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    Thank you for your feedback. Right now we are taking a month long break and are living in separate rooms. We are going to re-evaluate our individual goals and observe our behaviors to see if this is what we want long term. The reason for the month is because his classes end on that day. Which will help in the decision of which ways we want to go
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