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Beginner September 2021

Help! a High Maintenance Plus-one!

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Bippy, on August 19, 2021 at 3:15 PM

I have a situation that is really bothering me. Of all the issues I expected to have with my wedding guests, this was definitely not one of them and any advice on how to navigate this is appreciated!

One of my fiancé’s college friends is a reader in the wedding ceremony and he’s married to this woman who apparently has severe gluten intolerance. I’ve never met either of them. According to my fiancé, she “isn’t very chill” in general. Anyway, the friend reached out a couple of days ago and asked to see our menu for the reception and rehearsal dinner. He also asked for the number of our caterers so they can call and ask questions about the food.
Keep in mind, our wedding was originally scheduled last year. They’ve been invited for about 18 months at this point. We never heard a thing from them about dietary restrictions until now—5.5 weeks before the wedding.
My fiancé tried to tell him to list all their questions and WE will ask the caterer—because a wedding guest calling the caterer with questions? If I were the caterer, that would be pretty off-putting. But, the guy was like “No, we’ll take care of it. We’ll call.” My fiancé didn’t want to argue or make things strained, so he let it go. I’m really worried they are going to antagonize our caterers because, according to my fiancé, this woman is intense about her food.
I get if she has issues that makes certain food dangerous to her health…but, I feel like if that’s the case, you make preparations for yourself instead of expecting your hosts to cater to your overly-specific needs. Especially when you’re not close to the hosts AND you’ve waited this long to mention them. I mean, she’s married—does she not remember how involved and stressful compiling a wedding menu is?
I’m pretty irritated about the entire thing. Mostly because, what do they expect us to do if his wife has problems with the food we’ve chosen? I feel bad that she has to live with whatever health issue she has, but…I’m not intending to change the menu mere weeks away from the event just to accommodate one person who is, technically, a plus one.
Is it understandable to be frustrated with them? Am I being ungracious in feeling this way? Also, how do I respond if they reached out to us after speaking with the caterer, wanting us to change the menu to accommodate her? As I said, I don’t know these people, but he is an old friend of my FH, so I don’t want anything to happen that well put a rift in their friendship, but this just feels very inconsiderate and entitled on their part. Am I wrong?

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24 Comments

Super September 2022
Sarah · on August 20, 2021 at 8:29 AM
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I don't think she's being as difficult as you say she is. It sounds like she's trying to take the responsibility for herself instead of putting the burden on you and that's why she wants to call the caterer. She doesn't want you to do extra work just to accommodate her. Also, allergies are very common. The entire meal would not be altered just for her. They would likely set aside a specific meal for only her. If she decides she wants to bring her own food, that's fine, but there should be an option for her there.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on August 20, 2021 at 10:51 AM
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You've never met the woman, but you are sure tossing her a lot of shade here. You are automatically assuming she's going to antagonize your caterer. That really is not fair of you at all. It's also not fair of you to call her "high maintenance" when she has a legitimate food intolerance that can impact her health. "High maintenance" is being a pain in the ass just for the sake of being a pain in the ass.
Maybe they want to talk to the caterer directly because they don't want to burden you with having to deal with the caterer over her special dietary needs.
Maybe they want to talk to the caterer to figure out if she needs to bring her own food.
Honestly, maybe she didn't want to give you questions to ask because they are embarrassing, or she doesn't want you deciding what's important to ask, or she doesn't want you to be responsible for anything being misunderstood.
As someone who has severe dietary restrictions (allergies and intolerances) I'm here to tell you, they aren't fun. I have had friends filter my questions about a meal, which I found out later when I spent the night in the bathroom evacuating my insides and they revealed "oh well yeah, the sauce had some garlic powder in it... but I figured it was just that you didn't like chunks of garlic..." I've had to ask about twenty different food items, which is very embarrassing and I would not have wanted to send a bride - especially a bride who I didn't know - a list of. I've had friends misunderstand the chef's answer, tell me one thing, and then when I arrived, I found out I couldn't eat anything. I've also been to plenty of buffets where - surprise! - I found out when I got there I couldn't eat anything. So there's your "she can get or not get whatever she wants."
Also, why would she tell you far in advance of her restrictions? I wouldn't. It's awfully presumptuous to say to a bride, 18 months out, "here are my dietary restrictions" before they've even looked at a catering menu.
You should not base your opinion of someone on your FH's opinion. Sorry, but you need to step back on this one in my opinion. You are being unreasonably hostile about someone you've never even met.
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Devoted October 2021
Kk · on August 22, 2021 at 5:58 AM
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"according to my fiance, this woman is intense about her food." Ummmm maybe that's because she HAS AN ALLERGY?! That's not being high maintenance, that's being mindful of her health. It honestly blows my mind how ignorant a lot of people are when it comes to food allergies. They're nothing to mess with.
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Devoted February 2022
Chloe · on August 22, 2021 at 10:38 AM
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I'm curious, have you heard anything yet? How did it play out?
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