Help! Fiance's Family Won't Accept Us....

So I've been in your FH's shoes, although my family was not so much not accepting of my FH, but more reluctant because of religious reasons.

But anyway, I think that you can only control what's within your realm of control. That means your FH needs to really start standing up to his family. They treat you like this because they've done it before and gotten away with it before. They know that they can cut you out and treat you poorly and their son will still come back to all their family events. FH needs to make it clear that you are a package deal, and that by treating you poorly, they are also hurting him.

It doesn't need to be an ultimatum, and probably shouldn't be, if you guys want to hold on to your sanity. But he does need to start making it clear that their behavior is unacceptable. I'm still confused as to why they are so opposed to you, but I guess we can never rationalize the actions of other people. You even worked with his sister, and she passed along your number. So clearly she accepts you, but maybe not openly. It all comes back to the parents.

They sound like like absolute butt holes.
I hope your FH doesnt attend these things without you once he is your husband. Once you’re married YOU become his immediate family. Not them.

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Great advice. I'm not a fan of ultimatums, so I appreciate you recognizing that might not be the best way. To put things in better perspective for you, his family is very conservative and proper, and they view me as not his type, as I have tattoos and rode a motorcycle while I was younger. Plus his sister knew me in my younger single days when I was much wilder than I am as a 40 year old mom. lol. I think she still views me as a 23 year old wild child.

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Buttholes! I love it. Yeah, they definitely are buttholes right now. I keep praying their hearts will soften. My FH's good friend is our minister and we are doing our pre-marital counseling with him and his wife. When discussing this issue, they say exactly what you've said. That me and my daughter are his family now and that he should not compromise the integrity of our relationship. I really wish he would've asked his mother to come to dinner at our home or taken her to lunch over the weekend rather than what he chose. Thank you for responding.

This is so difficult and unfair to you. I think the first thing to do is to sit down with FH and let me know it's really hurtful to be cut out from his family events and especially that him attending without you and your daughter is a big issue.


It's a signal that he is okay acting as if you two aren't part of the family and it's not fair to you both. I think you may never be able to change his family or their behavior but you can expect to be supported by your husband. What that means will be specific to you but this arrangement of him going solo doesn't sound happy or fair and I'd start with calmly letting him know you'd like too figure out how to address that dynamic and make some decisions that support you being A FAMILY UNIT going forward.

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Amy, I truly appreciate your response. I agree that there is no "one size fits all" answer to this. We will definitely sit and talk about this and I am going to do my best to convey just how upset this is making me. I am not a confrontational person so it's hard to make myself sound as upset as I feel. Last night and this morning, when we had a brief conversation, I was so upset that I was shaking. There is no doubt in my mind after 4 years that this issue is with his family and is in no way a reflection of how my daughter or I have acted towards them. Their minds won't be swayed. But we need his support in order for this relationship to work. As I've always said, our hearts and home are open to his family, once they're ready. I never want my FH to look back and say that I made him choose.

I am so sorry, that's awful. I would suggest counseling. You and your FH need to be on the same page about setting boundaries moving forward. Although it was his choice, I don't think he should be going to the events that you and your daughter weren't invited to. It sets the tone that he is okay with you being excluded and that he will still attend. That is exactly what his family is hoping for.

Honestly, I'd be more upset with FH than his family at this point. He's basically telling them it's okay to treat you and your daughter like this. Are you prepared to do this for the rest of your life? You say he understands but he stands by his decision. That's not understanding. That's telling you what you want to hear but doing what he wants to do.

I wouldn't marry a man who couldn't support me and my daughter. I wouldn't want my daughter to see me treated that way.

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I appreciate your response and I agree with you 100% about it setting an unwanted precedent. We are currently meeting with our minister and his wife for premarital counseling and we were honest with them about this being an issue. They had a similar experience early in their relationship/marriage and were able to get through it by setting the clear boundaries that have described. Thank you again.

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Thank you for your response. You are absolutely correct. When we spoke this morning I did remind him that although we are discreet in our disagreements, my daughter did know that he was attending this dinner without us and I'm certain she could tell my temperament was off. This is not the example I want either of us to set. We are going to discuss this further and set clearer boundaries.

My FHs family doesnt like me either. His mom is the only one that does. Everytime i would go to family functions someone was always rude to me or my daughter. FH would address it every time. Finally the last time it happend he told his family he will no longer be coming to family functions. Which also means they wont be getting an invite to the wedding. I havent had to do anything. FH handled his family. We r a unit and if they dont accept our unit then they wont be seeing him until they do. Ur FH has to step up or u will be excluded and feel this way forever.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for responding. I cannot say that my FH's mother likes me, but she will come to our house to visit for a bit every few weeks. You are reminding of a really good point..something I've thought about recently. What if my fiancé's family does actually come to our wedding. Knowing they do not like me or support our relationship, that would be incredibly awkward and it makes me nervous.

View Quoted Comment That's exactly why we r not inviting his family. We dont want anyone at our wedding that we already know doesnt support us in anyway. Girl these people talk crap about the way I walk for petes sake. We refuse to give them the opportunity to taint our day in any way. But my FH took the reigns on this. He always had my back and even confronted his mother in the begining. Once she gave me a chance and let me in she freaking loves me now. Hopefully one day ur FHs family will realize that for u too.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I agree with PP that you need to talk to your fiance about this. He should be standing up for you and your daughter. Hopefully this is something the two of you can work through in your pre marital counseling. I think you are being the much bigger person here and I hope you know that this is their problem, not yours. They are being exceptionally rude to you and I think that reflects more on them than you.

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I am always praying that God will soften their hearts. If they'd have spent the past 4 years getting to know the person I am, rather than making assumptions, we wouldn't have had this problem.

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Thank you for your response. You bring up a great point. Last night I felt so embarrassed that my FH would attend that party without me. But I realized this decision was not a reflection of me, and that they should be the ones who are embarrassed that they didn't invite me and that my FH should be embarrassed that he felt comfortable leaving us home like that. Especially since another couple was invited that we like to hang out with quite a bit. I mean what does he say if they ask where I am? She wasn't invited?

View Quoted Comment Absolutely! They should be embarrassed that they think it's okay to treat you that way for no reason - they don't even know you. My FMIL does not much care for me - I went out of my way to try and please her when we were first together until I realized that I would never be good enough in her eyes and that was HER problem and not mine. Once I gave up seeking her approval I felt a lot better about myself. Similar to my FMIL your in laws are missing out on a great opportunity to have a good relationship with you and your daughter, and in the long run they are going to be worse off for not having you in their lives, not the other way around. You've done nothing wrong and honestly these petty people dont deserve you.

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100%! Great response.

I would have felt very upset if my husband's family invited him to an event and not me. I would expect him to decline if I was not included.

I do not get a long with my husband's mother and sister. There was one point that we were arguing and he tried to please all three of us. I made it very clear to that I was his wife and I come first over his sister and mother and he was making me feel like I was last. Its a work in progress but our relationship is better that we just discuss how we feel before making a decision together.

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Thank you so much for responding. We discussed that last night. From here on out when situations like this arise, we are going to discuss it and make the final decision together. This past Christmas and Thanksgiving he chose not to attend at his parents house because they did not welcome my daughter and I. Personally, I think he should've offered to take his mother to lunch this weekend or we could've had her for dinner at our house. However, attending a party that my daughter and I were purposefully left out of is unacceptable.