My fiancé and I got engaged earlier this year and our venue, vendors, and wedding date are already set for late next year. We are currently creating the guest list and we are already extremely stressed out. My fiancé wanted to elope but he knew how much I wanted a wedding as we have been together for 12 years, so he caved in for me. Our compromise was to have a small, intimate wedding with those we love and care about. The venue was never an issue so we both toured and picked one we really loved as it matched the theme I had in mind. Our initial guest list had been finalized but when my FMIL saw how many of her guests we crossed off, she was not happy and fully expects us to invite every single person on her list.
My FMIL seems to think this is her wedding. From the moment my fiancé and I signed the venue papers, she has been trying to tell me how to run my wedding and what I should do, what flowers I should have, what I should wear, and even what my bridesmaid should wear. She even told me she was looking at “something blue” jewelry for me (which I never even asked her to do nor do I want?) and tried to force me to have my cousin’s 2 year old be the ring bearer and to incorporate something Korean in my wedding “because it would be cool”. I’ve ignored all of this and told her no, I already have everything planned out as it’s my wedding. But now she seems to think she has full control over the guest list and this is where we are super stressed. Our wedding is not a show! We have told her no, we don’t want the people we crossed off on her list to attend our wedding as we don’t know them so we aren’t obligated to invite all of them just because she knows them. I told her repeatedly that we already accommodated more than her allotted number of guests so we cannot accommodate any more, as my mom even got rid of some of her guest list out of kindness to give some more to my FMIL. She told me she has friendships with these 75 friends that I “could never understand” and proceeded to berate me and said “thanks for inviting some of my friends” in a snarky tone. She even told me that my wedding day is not about me and that it’s about everyone else.
They want to invite their entire guest list, which includes 75 of their friends (and their kids lol no kids at our wedding) and at least 90 of their family members, and their entire list gets a plus one apparently. This is just their list, not even including my mom’s and my fiancé and I’s. The minimum for my venue is 150- but my fiancé and I never cared about meeting the minimum for any venue we toured because we wanted an intimate wedding at a nice venue and my mom was willing to pay regardless of whether we met it or not. She even said if my in-laws cause issues, she will just pay for the entire wedding herself so they can shut up. I know that would end up causing more issues but it is definitely a back up plan at this point.
For reference, my in-laws are only paying for half of the venue cost- my mom is paying for the other half, so both parties do get some say in their guest list which we have more than accommodated for, as mentioned above. We included the family members they are close to and their bestest friends. My fiancé and I are paying for everything else- vendors, officiant, food, drinks, invites, decor, favors. They did offer to pay for people on their list if we go over the minimum of 150 (we have) but we don’t care or want their money- we just don’t want the people we crossed off at our wedding. They’re known to cause issues and they’re also people he and I don’t know. Even if they paid for guest fee, my fiancé and I would still have to pay for everything else for those guests too (food, invites, etc.) which we do not have the budget for.
My fiancé is not close with his immediate family or extended family at all. He hasn’t seen them since he was in elementary school. His parents occasionally talk to some of their family members so we kept the ones they talk to, but I am getting the feeling that his mom seems to think our wedding is a family reunion and an excuse to invite everybody and to brag to them. I’ve only ever met my fiancé’s parents and siblings during our 12 years together and not a single person has ever made the effort for any of us to meet the rest of the family. I asked my fiancé why we can’t just not invite the rest of his family since neither of us are close to them or even know them, but he said “that’s not going to work” because his mom already blabbed to everyone about our wedding even way before we even came up with a guest list (she is a huge gossiper).
My fiancé shuts down and just keeps saying how we should’ve eloped. He keeps saying how us not inviting his entire family will cause issues for his parents because they already told them and I’m like why do we have to bear the burden of that and pay for them just because they couldn’t keep their mouth shut? After I say that, he always immediately resorts to saying how we shouldn’t have had it at our venue then (with a minimum of 150) because his parents feel obligated to meet the minimum and invite everyone they know. I told him even if we chose a smaller venue we would still have this problem because the other smaller venues we toured still have a minimum and that the sole issue lies with his mom, not the venue itself. She would still try to pay her way to invite her entire guest list. He doesn’t seem to understand this.
We have repeatedly told them we wanted a small wedding despite the minimum and that my fiancé didn’t even want a wedding in the first place so our compromise was to have one but with close friends and family, but they ignore that every time I bring it up. FMIL keeps thinking of herself and what would make her happy; she has never once thought or asked what would make us happy and what we want. My mom has always asked us this in comparison. She never got a say in her wedding and had 400+ people and has repeatedly told me she was absolutely miserable and did not want that for me.
I genuinely feel like I’m going insane and this has sucked out any joy I had for my wedding to the point where I’m considering paying the hefty cancellation fee myself because I don’t want to deal with my FMIL anymore. I have cried so many times due to her and I just feel stuck and don’t know what to do. At the same time, I would absolutely regret if I cancelled the wedding and I don’t want them to ruin my one day I’ve been looking forward to for years just because they’re horrible and disrespectful. My mom is fully supportive of whatever decision I make- she just wants me to be happy.
